Sometimes life has a way of smacking you in the face. Things that were important to you are no longer as important. Or things that you didn't think were important are now becoming more important.
It's April 1st and it's been a year since the last IVF cycle started. DH and I have taken a LONG break from fertility. A big reason for that is insurance. We lost our good insurance and now we don't have any at all.
So with knowing that we couldn't do anything, it was easier to take a break. I probably needed it though too...
Time has passed and life have moved on. I am currently super busy and really haven't given it a whole lot of thought.
Well, that was until recently...
I have made it through A LOT of pregnancy announcements or birth announcements lately. I am super proud of myself. I still try to look at these with a positive attitude. However, I went to a baby shower the other day. At first I was just going through the motions of buying a gift, and being happy for the soon-to-be mother....and then it hit me.
I was okay when one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. I was overjoyed actually because I will be an "aunt" :)
I was at a baby store and saw something I just felt she had to have for the baby. I don't know why but I just felt very compelled to buy it for her.
And then it hit me...
DH and I really haven't been doing much in the baby making department. We know it's a long shot to do it naturally but since we don't have insurance, it seems pointless to get our hopes up.
But somehow someone asks me about having kids or reminding me that I will turn 30 this year...
And then it hits me.
I have felt powerless since my last IVF and other fertility treatments. We don't have the financial funds to do it like we did before. The last cycle was weird and we're still childless.
And let's face it...it's not disappointment....it's devastation.
With devastation comes a broken heart.
And then it hits me.
I'm in the car, driving to the station. Now I am wondering if I should or will be able to buy a ticket for the baby train...I know that once I am on it, I'm going to keep going until we are successful.
But I am so scared.
I decided a LONG time ago that we would get a second opinion or even go with another doctor. I'm sorry but after 6 tries with one doctor and no success, it's time to revise the plan.
Without insurance, I'm not sure what we will do...or how...but I think it's time to have our conversation again.
I still don't understand how people get pregnant. I mean, I understand how it's SUPPOSE to happen...but I guess I don't understand why my body doesn't work like that. Of course that worries me that my body will never be able to do it....
But I must have faith. Faith has been a huge part in my ability to cope. For reasons I don't understand, God hasn't granted us children...yet but that doesn't mean He never will.
One day I will hold my baby boy or girl in my arms and whisper "you were worth the wait". Nevermind whispering...I will SHOUT IT for all to hear!!! :) Til then, I am in the "climbing" stage of the obstacle...not quite there yet but not willing to quit.
May God or whomever you believe in guide you through this time of struggle. Trust in Him and find strength in hope.
Best wishes,
TheMrs
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Venting
Hi all....
This is going to be short...
BUT OMGOSH I am about to delete my Facebook page!! Is anyone else experiencing a high volume amount of pregnancy posts lately?
And then the BITCHING about being pregnant?! I'm not saying I won't bitch about some of it but seriously? You're on the second kid and you're bitching about it? Do you know how lucky you are????
Then there's the pregnancy #2, #3, with dad #2 or 3....etc. I find it increasingly hard to take. I will say that I have my good days and bad days. Just had the straw that broke the camel's back I guess.
Even though I don't make my situation hugely public on FB and I don't expect people to walk eggshells around me, that doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone is RUBBING IT IN MY FACE that I am not pregnant or have a baby. Ugh.
Thank you for the love and support. I am sorry this was just a venting post but I will have to come back a different time for more.
To be continued....
TheMrs
This is going to be short...
BUT OMGOSH I am about to delete my Facebook page!! Is anyone else experiencing a high volume amount of pregnancy posts lately?
And then the BITCHING about being pregnant?! I'm not saying I won't bitch about some of it but seriously? You're on the second kid and you're bitching about it? Do you know how lucky you are????
Then there's the pregnancy #2, #3, with dad #2 or 3....etc. I find it increasingly hard to take. I will say that I have my good days and bad days. Just had the straw that broke the camel's back I guess.
Even though I don't make my situation hugely public on FB and I don't expect people to walk eggshells around me, that doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone is RUBBING IT IN MY FACE that I am not pregnant or have a baby. Ugh.
Thank you for the love and support. I am sorry this was just a venting post but I will have to come back a different time for more.
To be continued....
TheMrs
Friday, August 31, 2012
Back in Earth's Atmosphere...
Does not writing something make it not true or like it never happened? No...But not writing about something means I can close the door to that messy room and leave it be for awhile. I don't have to look at it or worry about cleaning it. It just gathers dust.
As you may have read from my previous, and short, post...the last IVF attempt didn't work. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Not a shred of me wanted to deal with it by posting all of the gory details.
Sometimes you just don't want to face things.
When I started this blog in 2010 I think, I just found out that I had a hormone imbalance and I would need to see a RE. I didn't know the path that was before me (not that anyone ever does). But I was naive to think that things would click into place and it would all be fine in the end.
It's not the end...so there's still time (and hope) for that. I'm just not sure when, where, or how it's going to be.
Starting on a road like this...you have preconceived notions about how it's going to be...and what it's going to look like. You don't know what is around the corner for doctor visits, tests, and procedures. You're not quite prepared for showing a room full of people your vagina or having strangers stick condom covered, dildo shaped, cameras up your vagina either.
But in the beginning...your goal outweighs the fear and heaviness of anticipation. You want that baby so badly that you will spread eagle and look away because it's all for a common goal.
At this point...I can say that my longing for a child has not diminished at all...I think it's actually stronger than ever. But it's wrapped in a blanket of ....I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe it's cautious optimism...may it's the experience of knowing it may not work...
Maybe it's a bit of pessimism. Whatever it is, it's different. I find myself less likely to openly talk about my troubles unless it is with someone who has gone through the process too. I find people who don't know what I'm going through to be harder to talk to. They don't know the words to say to make them feel like they are saying something helpful and I can't honestly tell them what would make me feel better. There's nothing to say...
It fucking sucks.
So now I'm kind of in limbo with the world of IF...another reason I find it hard to dig deep and reflect.
Basically what happened was this...
Before my IVF, I was on BCPs like normal. I started bleeding DAILY for 3 weeks. I called into the dr's office periodically and was reassured that it was fine and/or it was break-through bleeding. To me, that has NEVER happened...and it should have been looked into more before starting a procedure that's SO important. I'm not a nurse or a dr though...so what do I know?
I started my stims and that seemed to be going very well. Hubs and I got up every day and made it part of our routine. We seemed to be the most on-time and regular than ever before...ironic.
I started doing acupuncture. I did it before the transfer and after plus one time during the dreaded 2ww. But I should have started sooner. My schedule and financial situation didn't allow it. I love my acupuncturist though. She's awesome.
I may have mentioned before (not sure) that she told me the patients she's had that have gone to my doctor...haven't gotten pregnant through his protocols. That, of course, shook me but I was determined to be the exception. She apologized for scaring me but it woke me up. God works in mysterious ways, right? Well, I think part of me meeting her was for her to tell me that. It made me think twice and actually consider getting a second opinion. I was too afraid for whatever reason to look elsewhere...but after all the unsuccessful attempts, I'm not sure I have any other choice.
Anyways....retrieval was okay but not stellar. I talked about it already on here...so let's just get to the rest...
Transfer day was fine. I was good about resting. I did my acupuncture right after. Things seemed to be okay...minus that was only had 1.
Fast forward a week later and I start bleeding. Not spotting...and not severe bleeding, but period-ish bleeding. I know it's the end. I had an acupuncture appt the next day so I went. I told her what was going on and she said she had never heard of it.
Yay, again...I am a medical marvel. *Rolls eyes*
Anyways, she does her thing and that's it.
Fast forward a few more days to my beta test. No surprise...it's negative. Hence, my short post with an unhappy four letter word.
We had a consultation after that (two weeks...I don't remember). He said that I have to lose 20 lbs before he would consider doing treatment again. He's suggested it before but proceeded with the procedures...thus wasting our time and insurance, and number of times that we can even do this...
At this same point in time, we also know that our insurance is actually changing. It's not a maybe or whatever this time. I'm not the girl that cried insurance anymore...the wolf was really there. So that sucks because now we are back to the beginning and without insurance to cover it.
I asked my RE if he would change my protocol and he said there was nothing wrong with it. ?!!!?!!?!?!?!?
It DIDN'T WORK! Yeah, there's something wrong with it!!
But according to him, once I lose the weight, he would do the EXACT same protocol.
Here's my frustration...I don't disagree about losing the weight...but I do disagree about not changing anything or doing more tests. I plan on getting a second opinion when we feel like we can afford to or whatever.
In the meantime, Hubs and I have had some heart to hearts and he REALLY wants a baby. Sometimes I think he's more driven than I am. I guess I just feel more....beaten...or defeated. I really want a baby too...but my hopes and heart have been through a lot.
He's suggested trying to go gluten free. I was good in the beginning of the summer but kinda fell off the wagon a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid of being heart broken again...
Either way, I'm trying again...I did lose a few pounds after I started it. So we'll see...
Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for not responding and being absent for awhile. I couldn't face my feelings or thoughts...and sometimes I find it hard to face other people's successes when all I've done is fail. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the Earth....I just had to walk away for awhile.
Thanks for reading. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs.
As you may have read from my previous, and short, post...the last IVF attempt didn't work. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Not a shred of me wanted to deal with it by posting all of the gory details.
Sometimes you just don't want to face things.
When I started this blog in 2010 I think, I just found out that I had a hormone imbalance and I would need to see a RE. I didn't know the path that was before me (not that anyone ever does). But I was naive to think that things would click into place and it would all be fine in the end.
It's not the end...so there's still time (and hope) for that. I'm just not sure when, where, or how it's going to be.
Starting on a road like this...you have preconceived notions about how it's going to be...and what it's going to look like. You don't know what is around the corner for doctor visits, tests, and procedures. You're not quite prepared for showing a room full of people your vagina or having strangers stick condom covered, dildo shaped, cameras up your vagina either.
But in the beginning...your goal outweighs the fear and heaviness of anticipation. You want that baby so badly that you will spread eagle and look away because it's all for a common goal.
At this point...I can say that my longing for a child has not diminished at all...I think it's actually stronger than ever. But it's wrapped in a blanket of ....I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe it's cautious optimism...may it's the experience of knowing it may not work...
Maybe it's a bit of pessimism. Whatever it is, it's different. I find myself less likely to openly talk about my troubles unless it is with someone who has gone through the process too. I find people who don't know what I'm going through to be harder to talk to. They don't know the words to say to make them feel like they are saying something helpful and I can't honestly tell them what would make me feel better. There's nothing to say...
It fucking sucks.
So now I'm kind of in limbo with the world of IF...another reason I find it hard to dig deep and reflect.
Basically what happened was this...
Before my IVF, I was on BCPs like normal. I started bleeding DAILY for 3 weeks. I called into the dr's office periodically and was reassured that it was fine and/or it was break-through bleeding. To me, that has NEVER happened...and it should have been looked into more before starting a procedure that's SO important. I'm not a nurse or a dr though...so what do I know?
I started my stims and that seemed to be going very well. Hubs and I got up every day and made it part of our routine. We seemed to be the most on-time and regular than ever before...ironic.
I started doing acupuncture. I did it before the transfer and after plus one time during the dreaded 2ww. But I should have started sooner. My schedule and financial situation didn't allow it. I love my acupuncturist though. She's awesome.
I may have mentioned before (not sure) that she told me the patients she's had that have gone to my doctor...haven't gotten pregnant through his protocols. That, of course, shook me but I was determined to be the exception. She apologized for scaring me but it woke me up. God works in mysterious ways, right? Well, I think part of me meeting her was for her to tell me that. It made me think twice and actually consider getting a second opinion. I was too afraid for whatever reason to look elsewhere...but after all the unsuccessful attempts, I'm not sure I have any other choice.
Anyways....retrieval was okay but not stellar. I talked about it already on here...so let's just get to the rest...
Transfer day was fine. I was good about resting. I did my acupuncture right after. Things seemed to be okay...minus that was only had 1.
Fast forward a week later and I start bleeding. Not spotting...and not severe bleeding, but period-ish bleeding. I know it's the end. I had an acupuncture appt the next day so I went. I told her what was going on and she said she had never heard of it.
Yay, again...I am a medical marvel. *Rolls eyes*
Anyways, she does her thing and that's it.
Fast forward a few more days to my beta test. No surprise...it's negative. Hence, my short post with an unhappy four letter word.
We had a consultation after that (two weeks...I don't remember). He said that I have to lose 20 lbs before he would consider doing treatment again. He's suggested it before but proceeded with the procedures...thus wasting our time and insurance, and number of times that we can even do this...
At this same point in time, we also know that our insurance is actually changing. It's not a maybe or whatever this time. I'm not the girl that cried insurance anymore...the wolf was really there. So that sucks because now we are back to the beginning and without insurance to cover it.
I asked my RE if he would change my protocol and he said there was nothing wrong with it. ?!!!?!!?!?!?!?
It DIDN'T WORK! Yeah, there's something wrong with it!!
But according to him, once I lose the weight, he would do the EXACT same protocol.
Here's my frustration...I don't disagree about losing the weight...but I do disagree about not changing anything or doing more tests. I plan on getting a second opinion when we feel like we can afford to or whatever.
In the meantime, Hubs and I have had some heart to hearts and he REALLY wants a baby. Sometimes I think he's more driven than I am. I guess I just feel more....beaten...or defeated. I really want a baby too...but my hopes and heart have been through a lot.
He's suggested trying to go gluten free. I was good in the beginning of the summer but kinda fell off the wagon a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid of being heart broken again...
Either way, I'm trying again...I did lose a few pounds after I started it. So we'll see...
Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for not responding and being absent for awhile. I couldn't face my feelings or thoughts...and sometimes I find it hard to face other people's successes when all I've done is fail. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the Earth....I just had to walk away for awhile.
Thanks for reading. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Vagina Translator
Hubby and I have come to a new understanding...and I call it "The Vagina Translator". This started because my lovely hubs said something that definitely could have been taken the wrong way but he claims that he didn't mean it that way.
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
Idle Minds ....Think Stupid Things
I was pretty good last week with taking it easy. I wasn't on strict bed rest or anything but definitely took things easily. I ignored most of the cleaning that needs to be done, took myself to the movies, tried to distract myself with catching up with my DVR, and slept.
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Chuck Norris is in My Uterus
Well today was the big, big, big day (Hunger Games reference).
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
Monday, April 23, 2012
May the Odds Be Ever In My Favor
Hello...
I'd like to say that I've been super busy and that's why I haven't blogged but that's only partially true. Avoidance and procrastination are probably more to blame.
Thursday was my retrieval. Only 8 eggs this time. One of my ovaries wasn't responding as well or as fast as the other. That was a bit of a let down. We found out that 5 fertilized...Again, the numbers weren't great. Last time we had 13 eggs, 9 fertilized and 4 embies.
We actually don't know how many embies made it over the weekend. All I know is that the plan is to do 2 tomorrow. Hubs and I have decided though that if we have 1, 2, or 3, we're doing all of them. If we have 4, we will transfer 2 and freeze 2. If we have 5, transfer 3, freeze 2. So we have a plan but we don't know what we're working with right now.
I understand some of their reasoning for not knowing...but it will have to be a decision tomorrow instead of one in advance. Hopefully all goes well and we can transfer 3 and freeze 2.
I am a realist though..sometimes... lol So I am hoping at least 2 have been growing like rock stars. Anything more than is a total bonus.
I decided to start acupuncture this time around because I know some people who have had success with it. I wanted to start earlier in the cycle but due to money and scheduling, it didn't work out. Plus, I totally forgot how (somewhat) fast the shots and stuff go.
So my first time was on Saturday. I REALLY like the acupuncturist lady. I think she is super cool and compassionate. She's on your side and wants to help you. I told her I already had the retrieval and was going to have the transfer. Just so happens it was going to occur on days she doesn't work (day before transfer and day of transfer) but she offered to come to my house or meet me at the office. We both live 45 min away or so from the office. I told her no to the home thing because my dogs would go nuts.
But how many times has someone in her position said she'd come on a day she's not working just for YOU?
Yeah, not many.
Anyways, the first time wasn't bad. I only felt a few pricks but they didn't hurt. Just the initial sting. I actually felt kinda good. But as soon as she left me alone...
I started crying.
Now I know that I am on Crinone gel and my hormones have been out of whack...but there was just a huge amount of emotion that came out.
Hubs and I have been doing the shots and I've been going to my appts. My one hand looked like a pin cushion for awhile...and I haven't really let the emotions surrounding all of this hit me. Oh but it hit me that day.
Acupuncture on Saturday kinda felt like a last ditch effort or something out of desperation but it's really not. I can't think of it like that.
So today I found out that the transfer is tomorrow (Tues) and called K's cellphone. She called me back and made arrangements to meet me. And we also made an appt for tomorrow too. She's planned on being at the office so she's ready for me to get there...early or later than expected.
How fricking nice is that?!
There's no guarantee that this will work but I am hoping it does! You never know... :)
I'm feeling more optimistic. She's even excited for me.
Wish me luck, baby dust, and sticky vibes for tomorrow. I'd appreciate it!
I can't type anymore because I'm getting a cramp. I don't like typing in laptop keyboards....
Anyways,
Best Baby wishes to you all.
Love,
TheMrs
I'd like to say that I've been super busy and that's why I haven't blogged but that's only partially true. Avoidance and procrastination are probably more to blame.
Thursday was my retrieval. Only 8 eggs this time. One of my ovaries wasn't responding as well or as fast as the other. That was a bit of a let down. We found out that 5 fertilized...Again, the numbers weren't great. Last time we had 13 eggs, 9 fertilized and 4 embies.
We actually don't know how many embies made it over the weekend. All I know is that the plan is to do 2 tomorrow. Hubs and I have decided though that if we have 1, 2, or 3, we're doing all of them. If we have 4, we will transfer 2 and freeze 2. If we have 5, transfer 3, freeze 2. So we have a plan but we don't know what we're working with right now.
I understand some of their reasoning for not knowing...but it will have to be a decision tomorrow instead of one in advance. Hopefully all goes well and we can transfer 3 and freeze 2.
I am a realist though..sometimes... lol So I am hoping at least 2 have been growing like rock stars. Anything more than is a total bonus.
I decided to start acupuncture this time around because I know some people who have had success with it. I wanted to start earlier in the cycle but due to money and scheduling, it didn't work out. Plus, I totally forgot how (somewhat) fast the shots and stuff go.
So my first time was on Saturday. I REALLY like the acupuncturist lady. I think she is super cool and compassionate. She's on your side and wants to help you. I told her I already had the retrieval and was going to have the transfer. Just so happens it was going to occur on days she doesn't work (day before transfer and day of transfer) but she offered to come to my house or meet me at the office. We both live 45 min away or so from the office. I told her no to the home thing because my dogs would go nuts.
But how many times has someone in her position said she'd come on a day she's not working just for YOU?
Yeah, not many.
Anyways, the first time wasn't bad. I only felt a few pricks but they didn't hurt. Just the initial sting. I actually felt kinda good. But as soon as she left me alone...
I started crying.
Now I know that I am on Crinone gel and my hormones have been out of whack...but there was just a huge amount of emotion that came out.
Hubs and I have been doing the shots and I've been going to my appts. My one hand looked like a pin cushion for awhile...and I haven't really let the emotions surrounding all of this hit me. Oh but it hit me that day.
Acupuncture on Saturday kinda felt like a last ditch effort or something out of desperation but it's really not. I can't think of it like that.
So today I found out that the transfer is tomorrow (Tues) and called K's cellphone. She called me back and made arrangements to meet me. And we also made an appt for tomorrow too. She's planned on being at the office so she's ready for me to get there...early or later than expected.
How fricking nice is that?!
There's no guarantee that this will work but I am hoping it does! You never know... :)
I'm feeling more optimistic. She's even excited for me.
Wish me luck, baby dust, and sticky vibes for tomorrow. I'd appreciate it!
I can't type anymore because I'm getting a cramp. I don't like typing in laptop keyboards....
Anyways,
Best Baby wishes to you all.
Love,
TheMrs
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Don't Mess With Me, Period.
You know the old package of pasta or can of something that sits in the back of your pantry...outdated? Or the leftovers you totally forgot about in the back of your fridge?
Yeah that is kinda how my feelings about IF have been for awhile now....Stored in the back...festering and getting stale.
Don't get me wrong, infertility is something I live with and think about on a daily basis. It just hasn't been until now that I am getting back into the swing of things or about to begin a new cycle.
IVF #2 begins Friday. I am officially off bcps. Wahoo! I get to have another period. Yay!
I've had a period for 2 and a half weeks. So even though it was the lightest it has been today, as soon as my body is like "oh there's no more bcps" I am most likely going to get it again. Fun times. Luckily I saw pads were on sale recently and decided to stock up.
On Monday, we had our stim start. I forgot that we pay our co-pay for less than 2 minutes with the doc, an ultrasound, and blood work.
Ugh. I dislike that part BUT I can't complain too much because there are people that have to pay WAY more than we do. Despite what my hubs may say, we are VERY lucky to have this insurance and pay what little we have to.
VERY.
It hasn't quite paid off yet, but each little thing adds up.
Going back to the beginning for a sec, I feel like I used to be better at this. At blogging. At telling my story. At being humorous in these situations.
I had to reread some past posts to fill out a health history and it got me thinking.
I am way more pessimistic now than I was in 2010. Back then everything was new and more hopeful because we were still in the beginning stages.
As time as gone by and the doctors visits have become more numerous, invasive, and sometimes downright depressing...that same hopeful spark seems to have fizzled.
I briefly saw on someone else's blog that they were saying how NOT blogging was sometimes just as therapeutic as blogging.
I completely agree.
Now that we've gone through all that we have, it does take the fight out of you a bit. And sometimes you don't want to talk about it.
Frankly, I don't want to think about it. Not in terms of how I feel or how much it sucks or how to turn it into a funny subject line.
I live it. I don't always need to put it into words. Or maybe it's just me hiding. Hiding from the world that hurts me repeatedly. Hide from the truth of the situation. Putting my feelings towards the back of the pantry only to be discovered months past its expiration date.
It was almost a year ago that we went down this same road and it is as scary now as it was then. Sure I remember more of what happens and what to do...but it's almost harder knowing that we could be doing ALL of this for ...relatively nothing. The first time didn't work. Not much as changed since then....so...
I need to be more realistic and cautiously optimistic than pessimistic. I realize I am writing at 1:30AM and I should be in bed instead.
Sometimes hope comes at weird times though...
For instance, I had a strange dream the other night. I will tell you the short version. :)
I was going to my old childhood home. It looked wrong...like a log cabin or something. But we (myself and whomever was with me) decided to go in. As we tried to go in, we seemed to get bigger and the place seemed to get smaller. But magically I got in the house. I ended up in the upstairs level I think too. Dreams have weird physics and logistics. Anyways, I am by myself now and see all kinds of baby things. From the bouncers to the jungle gyms to clothes, etc. Then in the middle of the floor is this smiling baby with dark hair and dark eyes waiting for me. There seem to be other dolls or babies around her but they are not looking at me. She's just looking at me...expectantly. It's as if she's just been waiting there for me.
So of course, I start BAWLING my eyes out in the dream. I actually woke up (to pee) with tears in my eyes.
Hope comes at weird times. Sometimes when you need to be reminded that this is a process and yes it does kinda suck...but...
Somewhere that baby is waiting to grow inside me and then be born into this world.
Obviously this is a very upsetting struggle to go through time and time again. But for that baby, I am holding on to that hope for dear life.
It's not that I am pessimistic...it's more that I want this SO badly that I can barely allow myself to get excited or hopeful in case we are disappointed again.
Slowly my heart is realizing that this is really going to happen again...and to prepare for the journey ahead. This is just one more stepping stone. One more bridge to cross. One more hurdle.
And I've got a lot of fight.
Yeah that is kinda how my feelings about IF have been for awhile now....Stored in the back...festering and getting stale.
Don't get me wrong, infertility is something I live with and think about on a daily basis. It just hasn't been until now that I am getting back into the swing of things or about to begin a new cycle.
IVF #2 begins Friday. I am officially off bcps. Wahoo! I get to have another period. Yay!
I've had a period for 2 and a half weeks. So even though it was the lightest it has been today, as soon as my body is like "oh there's no more bcps" I am most likely going to get it again. Fun times. Luckily I saw pads were on sale recently and decided to stock up.
On Monday, we had our stim start. I forgot that we pay our co-pay for less than 2 minutes with the doc, an ultrasound, and blood work.
Ugh. I dislike that part BUT I can't complain too much because there are people that have to pay WAY more than we do. Despite what my hubs may say, we are VERY lucky to have this insurance and pay what little we have to.
VERY.
It hasn't quite paid off yet, but each little thing adds up.
Going back to the beginning for a sec, I feel like I used to be better at this. At blogging. At telling my story. At being humorous in these situations.
I had to reread some past posts to fill out a health history and it got me thinking.
I am way more pessimistic now than I was in 2010. Back then everything was new and more hopeful because we were still in the beginning stages.
As time as gone by and the doctors visits have become more numerous, invasive, and sometimes downright depressing...that same hopeful spark seems to have fizzled.
I briefly saw on someone else's blog that they were saying how NOT blogging was sometimes just as therapeutic as blogging.
I completely agree.
Now that we've gone through all that we have, it does take the fight out of you a bit. And sometimes you don't want to talk about it.
Frankly, I don't want to think about it. Not in terms of how I feel or how much it sucks or how to turn it into a funny subject line.
I live it. I don't always need to put it into words. Or maybe it's just me hiding. Hiding from the world that hurts me repeatedly. Hide from the truth of the situation. Putting my feelings towards the back of the pantry only to be discovered months past its expiration date.
It was almost a year ago that we went down this same road and it is as scary now as it was then. Sure I remember more of what happens and what to do...but it's almost harder knowing that we could be doing ALL of this for ...relatively nothing. The first time didn't work. Not much as changed since then....so...
I need to be more realistic and cautiously optimistic than pessimistic. I realize I am writing at 1:30AM and I should be in bed instead.
Sometimes hope comes at weird times though...
For instance, I had a strange dream the other night. I will tell you the short version. :)
I was going to my old childhood home. It looked wrong...like a log cabin or something. But we (myself and whomever was with me) decided to go in. As we tried to go in, we seemed to get bigger and the place seemed to get smaller. But magically I got in the house. I ended up in the upstairs level I think too. Dreams have weird physics and logistics. Anyways, I am by myself now and see all kinds of baby things. From the bouncers to the jungle gyms to clothes, etc. Then in the middle of the floor is this smiling baby with dark hair and dark eyes waiting for me. There seem to be other dolls or babies around her but they are not looking at me. She's just looking at me...expectantly. It's as if she's just been waiting there for me.
So of course, I start BAWLING my eyes out in the dream. I actually woke up (to pee) with tears in my eyes.
Hope comes at weird times. Sometimes when you need to be reminded that this is a process and yes it does kinda suck...but...
Somewhere that baby is waiting to grow inside me and then be born into this world.
Obviously this is a very upsetting struggle to go through time and time again. But for that baby, I am holding on to that hope for dear life.
It's not that I am pessimistic...it's more that I want this SO badly that I can barely allow myself to get excited or hopeful in case we are disappointed again.
Slowly my heart is realizing that this is really going to happen again...and to prepare for the journey ahead. This is just one more stepping stone. One more bridge to cross. One more hurdle.
And I've got a lot of fight.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Updates, Randomness, and WTFs
Hello to those in the blogosphere. It's been awhile. I don't know how many times I wanted to post but something always got in the way. Most likely...it was myself.
Hubby's/our insurance issue has returned. No surprise there. Literally a few days after telling him that I was ready to start again, he was told that the deal he had with the employer was over. Seems to always happen like that.
I hurt my back really bad and ended up visiting the ER towards the end of January. I was off for a whole week because I had trouble even walking around. That really sucked.
Then of course as soon as I get back to my part time daycare gig, they put me in a room full of toddlers and then two year olds. Yeah, my doctor (I had to do a follow up after the ER) said it could take weeks, even a month before my back was feeling normal again. So it made total sense that my boss threw me in a room with little ones right after the whole ordeal. Ugh. She had also sent me home a week prior to that because I was in so much pain.
I was helping get the tods to sleep one day and I was holding a little girl in the rocking chair (because I couldn't sit next to her like we'd normally do). She was giving me kisses and laying her head on my shoulder. Of course I am super sensitive to that kind of thing. She made my heart melt. Luckily she did fall asleep too. :)
I've always felt like I was born to be a mom. People that know me know how I am with kids and how much I love them. They know how I can be patient (except with Hubs lol) and kind. I like to have fun but still be able to teach right from wrong. I just love kids. Being with children is what I was born to do. I always thought it was teaching in elementary education too...but sometimes (okay a lot of times) I'm not sure that's me anymore.
My third grade teacher was fun and still managed to teach us things. That was about 20 yrs ago...WHOA...just realized that. :) But the world of education has changed a lot. I kind of feel like I've been searching for that prime opportunity where I can be like he was. I don't know if he is still like that to this day. He may even be retired. I think wanting to be that kind of teacher has been a motivator but then somewhat of a hinderance once I got out into the "real world" and got a taste of what it is really like. There's a lot more politics and ass kissing and crap I don't like than I thought there would be. I guess that is me being naive but still....
I found some stuff from when I was a student teacher and some of the notes I had from my cooperating teacher the other day. I feel like I've grown from where I was 6.5 yrs ago (wow that's crazy!) and am better than I was. But even the educator I am now while subbing or working with my school aged children doesn't seem to fit into the real world of teaching.
Maybe it's just my nerves and lack of self confidence talking but I do feel like that is part of why I am reluctant to push harder and harder for a real teaching job.
Food for thought anyways....
So now we have the question (as always)...do we start IVF again or not...Well, one day it was "yes, let's start" and then a week later it was "well, we'll see" or "depends on how things go" or "get a new job" or "get a new job with insurance".
One of my new favorite shows is America's Super Nanny. She's AWESOME! And working with children on a daily basis means I need new techniques and insights to discipline, etc. So it's really a helpful tool as well. Sometimes the families are a hot mess...Okay, usually they are. But anyways, she has some really great strategies and I feel like it's informative.
Last night I was catching up on my DVR and watched an episode about a family of 10 kids, mom and dad. The kids are almost a year apart...so I am sure Mom is preggers every year. She was also currently 8 months pregnant during the filming of this with twins! The kids were violent with one another and very hurtful. I cannot even express how ridiculous it was. Anyways...Deborah (aka SuperNanny) comes and observes the first day. The next day she has a meeting with Mom and Dad. She lays it all on the line and even gets pretty stern with them. Pregnant (with twins) Mom says she's sick of her kids. Deborah looks at her like WTF? You have 2 more on the way! etc etc
I started bawling. I am glad this family is blessed with 10 (now 12) children and they are so fertile they can have a baby every year. But it broke my heart that she seemed to be taking it all for granted. Those of us going through IF cannot even fathom having the ability to "just get pregnant" let alone do it every year. And then to say you're SICK of them?!
Okay...I understand as a parent you get frustrated and may feel like you're in a losing battle from time to time I can understand that but she was so straight faced. I kept thinking "do you think those 2 new babies are going to change all that?" Getting pregnant again and again to get a "redo" is what I felt like she was doing. I don't know if that's true but I was just crying my eyes out.
Luckily they seemed to make things better with Deborah's techniques. I just found it so heart breaking that she'd even say that.
I think it's on Lifetime and the story I'm referring to is The Carzell family if you'd like to check it out.
All in all, I'm kind of in a funk. Most of the time I feel like I can't do anything right. First it was being a teacher and then I thought at least I could be a mom (something I've always wanted even more than being a teacher) and I can't even do that. F*ing heart breaking.
Since the failure of the transfer I feel like I've been building up a lot of feelings and it's just now starting to fizz out...sometimes more than others. It looks different too. Sometimes it's buying things I shouldn't. Sometimes it's eating things I shouldn't. Sometimes it is sleeping longer than I should. Sometimes it's getting bitchy at hubby or it's taking everything he says as a slap in the face. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's a good old fashioned cry. Sometimes it's staring at a computer screen not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's reading a book. Sometimes it's playing on my ipod or Kindle. Sometimes it's getting involved with a friend's sister's baby shower. Sometimes it's writing a blog...
I realize it's not "all over" or "there's nothing I can do". There are things to do or try or whatever. I'm just in a WTF kind of mood and needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading...
TheMrs.
Brief Update...
Hubby's/our insurance issue has returned. No surprise there. Literally a few days after telling him that I was ready to start again, he was told that the deal he had with the employer was over. Seems to always happen like that.
I hurt my back really bad and ended up visiting the ER towards the end of January. I was off for a whole week because I had trouble even walking around. That really sucked.
Then of course as soon as I get back to my part time daycare gig, they put me in a room full of toddlers and then two year olds. Yeah, my doctor (I had to do a follow up after the ER) said it could take weeks, even a month before my back was feeling normal again. So it made total sense that my boss threw me in a room with little ones right after the whole ordeal. Ugh. She had also sent me home a week prior to that because I was in so much pain.
I was helping get the tods to sleep one day and I was holding a little girl in the rocking chair (because I couldn't sit next to her like we'd normally do). She was giving me kisses and laying her head on my shoulder. Of course I am super sensitive to that kind of thing. She made my heart melt. Luckily she did fall asleep too. :)
I've always felt like I was born to be a mom. People that know me know how I am with kids and how much I love them. They know how I can be patient (except with Hubs lol) and kind. I like to have fun but still be able to teach right from wrong. I just love kids. Being with children is what I was born to do. I always thought it was teaching in elementary education too...but sometimes (okay a lot of times) I'm not sure that's me anymore.
My third grade teacher was fun and still managed to teach us things. That was about 20 yrs ago...WHOA...just realized that. :) But the world of education has changed a lot. I kind of feel like I've been searching for that prime opportunity where I can be like he was. I don't know if he is still like that to this day. He may even be retired. I think wanting to be that kind of teacher has been a motivator but then somewhat of a hinderance once I got out into the "real world" and got a taste of what it is really like. There's a lot more politics and ass kissing and crap I don't like than I thought there would be. I guess that is me being naive but still....
I found some stuff from when I was a student teacher and some of the notes I had from my cooperating teacher the other day. I feel like I've grown from where I was 6.5 yrs ago (wow that's crazy!) and am better than I was. But even the educator I am now while subbing or working with my school aged children doesn't seem to fit into the real world of teaching.
Maybe it's just my nerves and lack of self confidence talking but I do feel like that is part of why I am reluctant to push harder and harder for a real teaching job.
Food for thought anyways....
IF journey....to continue or to not continue...
As I said before, our insurance situation is back to being a pain in the butt. This is REALLY good insurance though so I'd hate to lose it. It's just another thing added to our pile. I suppose that goes for everyone though...It just stresses Hubby out. He had a good thing going for awhile but they just didn't have enough work for him to do.
So now we have the question (as always)...do we start IVF again or not...Well, one day it was "yes, let's start" and then a week later it was "well, we'll see" or "depends on how things go" or "get a new job" or "get a new job with insurance".
Bottom line ...I went to do the initial blood work and ultrasound last Monday (the 13th). I had a cyst that was actually pretty big but Nancy seemed to think I could have ovulated and it was just something that was going to go away. That's usually the case anyways. Getting blood drawn was again...sigh...those poor ladies.
It took 2 people, drinking 2 bottles of water, 5 tries, and at least 30 minutes to get 1 full vial and 2 half or barely full vials. Most people go to those appointments and are done in 15 minutes or less (counting wait time) but not me...I was there for about 40 minutes. Oops.
Those ladies are the best though and we joke around and talk while they are flicking my veins or yelling at me for not drinking any water. I told them "I bet you missed me" or something like that. It's weird but nice to go to a doctor's office and feel like you know people and can joke around with them.
After ALL of that, I got my results later saying I could start the birth control pills and to do a nurse consultation once our financial clearance went through. So I did start the bcps and we're waiting on the letter. Of course we could end up not even continuing because of the insurance thing. Who knows?
It's just so frustrating. Early October we were told we could start again at any time but he suggested taking better care of ourselves. If I had known that we would have had 3 whole months of perfect insurance before this crap again, I might have done it then. Granted, the holidays would have been hard, but ugh...I'm so sick of this cycle.
Then there's the issue of waiting until something else comes around as far as insurance from a new job or whatever. Well, that puts us AT LEAST 3-5 months from now if one of us got a job today. If it was me, then I have to tell a new job that I need days off or to come in late, etc. It's just not a simple solution no matter how you look at it. And sure, we could wait another year or 2 or 3 but we don't want to. We are trying to make it work as best as we can.
I've been looking into doing acupunture as well. I have heard some people say that it really helped. I've talked to 2 people so far...and they were quite different on their methods, cost, how often, etc. So if you have any recommendations or advice on that, please let me know. If we continue with this process, I want to get started in a few weeks.
Side note
One of my new favorite shows is America's Super Nanny. She's AWESOME! And working with children on a daily basis means I need new techniques and insights to discipline, etc. So it's really a helpful tool as well. Sometimes the families are a hot mess...Okay, usually they are. But anyways, she has some really great strategies and I feel like it's informative.
Last night I was catching up on my DVR and watched an episode about a family of 10 kids, mom and dad. The kids are almost a year apart...so I am sure Mom is preggers every year. She was also currently 8 months pregnant during the filming of this with twins! The kids were violent with one another and very hurtful. I cannot even express how ridiculous it was. Anyways...Deborah (aka SuperNanny) comes and observes the first day. The next day she has a meeting with Mom and Dad. She lays it all on the line and even gets pretty stern with them. Pregnant (with twins) Mom says she's sick of her kids. Deborah looks at her like WTF? You have 2 more on the way! etc etc
I started bawling. I am glad this family is blessed with 10 (now 12) children and they are so fertile they can have a baby every year. But it broke my heart that she seemed to be taking it all for granted. Those of us going through IF cannot even fathom having the ability to "just get pregnant" let alone do it every year. And then to say you're SICK of them?!
Okay...I understand as a parent you get frustrated and may feel like you're in a losing battle from time to time I can understand that but she was so straight faced. I kept thinking "do you think those 2 new babies are going to change all that?" Getting pregnant again and again to get a "redo" is what I felt like she was doing. I don't know if that's true but I was just crying my eyes out.
Luckily they seemed to make things better with Deborah's techniques. I just found it so heart breaking that she'd even say that.
I think it's on Lifetime and the story I'm referring to is The Carzell family if you'd like to check it out.
All in all, I'm kind of in a funk. Most of the time I feel like I can't do anything right. First it was being a teacher and then I thought at least I could be a mom (something I've always wanted even more than being a teacher) and I can't even do that. F*ing heart breaking.
Since the failure of the transfer I feel like I've been building up a lot of feelings and it's just now starting to fizz out...sometimes more than others. It looks different too. Sometimes it's buying things I shouldn't. Sometimes it's eating things I shouldn't. Sometimes it is sleeping longer than I should. Sometimes it's getting bitchy at hubby or it's taking everything he says as a slap in the face. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's a good old fashioned cry. Sometimes it's staring at a computer screen not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's reading a book. Sometimes it's playing on my ipod or Kindle. Sometimes it's getting involved with a friend's sister's baby shower. Sometimes it's writing a blog...
I realize it's not "all over" or "there's nothing I can do". There are things to do or try or whatever. I'm just in a WTF kind of mood and needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading...
TheMrs.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012????!!!! ....What happened to 2011? :)
Happy New Year blogger friends!
I hope your holiday season has been good to you. Now we can all concentrate on paying our bills. lol I actually got some GREAT deals for the holidays but as luck would have it, my bills are still there....and still in need of some TLC. That's what January is for, right? :)
Anyways, I thought I'd reflect on some IF related things from 2011 as well as non-related events....
IF in 2011
*IUI #3 Failed
*IVF #1 Didn't work
*Transfer #1 (2 embies) Didn't stick
Wow, that looks depressing. And I guess it was, to be honest. It also seems like a lot less but there is a LOT that is involved in each process.
We've been taking a break and to be honest, I feel indifferent. Most of the time I'm panicking that our insurance is going to have something bad happen (because that's what happened the other times) but we're okay for now (knock on wood). So I guess the "rush" feeling has declined...and thus my anxiety has also declined.
I can't deny though that there are times I don't know what to feel or think. Or it hits me all at once. Last week or so a friend called me upset that her younger sister was 11 weeks preggo and won't be getting married til the fall of 2012. My friend just got married in the summer and thought she'd be the first to have kids. I totally understand that. After our conversation I saw Christina Perri perform her song, A Thousand Years, for an adoption fundraiser or something on TV (I taped it because I wanted to see Justin Bieber lol). Anyways, I started BAWLING. Part of it was the message of the song, and part of it was the testimonials from foster children of all ages waiting for a home. It's the 3rd thing about adoption that has been said or happened to me recently. We're not opposed to it but we'd like to try all of our other options first. But it does get me to thinking...is this a sign?
I'd like to say that I'm a fairly strong person when it comes to certain things. I can be "youthful"...(my real name even has that as part of its meaning) because I like kid things. Heck, I just got sidetracked with this blog post looking for Batman stuff on Ebay and Amazon. lol I'm totally serious. :)
But I guess part of being strong is knowing that sometimes you have to go through your emotions and not just let them fester and build. I was apparently more emotional for a few days and feelings just came out. Anyways, I can put up a pretty good facade when I need to, but it in the end...it does affect me...whether we're in the middle of treatments or not.
It occurred to me the other day that IF is kinda like a disability. Some people can't see or hear. Some people are missing a limb or have to deal daily with something else. I realize that it is not the same thing...it is only similar in a few ways. I am not comparing myself to a blind or deaf person. However, I do feel like that my infertility does affect my entire life and well-being. Having children with my husband, being a mom, and doing family things together are what I long for....what I desire most.
We've been trying for awhile now with help and without. My husband still remains optimistic, which is HUGELY helpful...but I feel like it is something inside of me that is causing this. It is a part of me...as the lack of sight or hearing is part of other people. I guess I can't really explain it...and I'm not sure those of you not going through IF would really understand...but not being able to have a baby on your own which is a BIOLOGICAL (or supposed to be) ability...feels like a hand I was dealt and therefore something I do not have control over. (holy long run on sentence Batman!)
While others have methods of dealing with their own daily struggles through life, I do have doctors and medicine and procedures to hopefully acquire my dream. So in that sense, I feel that I have a bit of an advantage...and therefore, I can't compare myself totally with those who have many more challenges. I hope no one takes offense to my poorly articulated comparison...or whatever you want to call it.
I told the Hubs that I hope this year we either have our baby or at least get pregnant and are on the way to having our baby(ies). Cross those fingers!
As for non-related events...
*Hubs went on TV
*Family drama
*Started a second job
*Car accident
*Hubs got a new car
*Almost lost our house
*Hubs wrote to Obama about the home loan modification
*(knock on wood) We have our mortgage modification! Thanks to Obama...or at least his staff.
*Best friend got married
*Went to FLORIDA!!!
*Started and quit Nutrisystem (a.k.a Lost 9 and a half lbs but only to gain it back during Christmas lol)
Gosh, I know there was more but I am having a brain fart. lol
Either way, it's hard to paraphrase or summarize 365 days of life. I do find myself acknowledging the blessings I do have in life and trying to focus on that.
I do find happiness in small things and randomly throughout the day, week, or whatever. But I have to say that I am not happy all of the time...I am human. And frankly, another year without a baby does leave a void and a hole in my heart.
We're going to continue to work on feeling better and maybe losing a few pounds before starting again...but I don't know when that will be. We have no timeline and no plan really right now where the IVF stuff is concerned.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel okay and even a little relieved. Other times I feel lost and in need of that peace of mind to hold on to.
For now, knowing that it is at least in the works will have to do. I don't have much of a choice. Either way, I wish you the best in life and your baby journey (if you are currently on one).
Also, CONGRATS (a bit belated) to my friend over at Fertility Frustration on her baby girl born in the beginning of December. :) SO happy for her!!!
Hugs,
TheMrs
"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"
-Christina Perri (A Thousand Years)
I hope your holiday season has been good to you. Now we can all concentrate on paying our bills. lol I actually got some GREAT deals for the holidays but as luck would have it, my bills are still there....and still in need of some TLC. That's what January is for, right? :)
Anyways, I thought I'd reflect on some IF related things from 2011 as well as non-related events....
IF in 2011
*IUI #3 Failed
*IVF #1 Didn't work
*Transfer #1 (2 embies) Didn't stick
Wow, that looks depressing. And I guess it was, to be honest. It also seems like a lot less but there is a LOT that is involved in each process.
We've been taking a break and to be honest, I feel indifferent. Most of the time I'm panicking that our insurance is going to have something bad happen (because that's what happened the other times) but we're okay for now (knock on wood). So I guess the "rush" feeling has declined...and thus my anxiety has also declined.
I can't deny though that there are times I don't know what to feel or think. Or it hits me all at once. Last week or so a friend called me upset that her younger sister was 11 weeks preggo and won't be getting married til the fall of 2012. My friend just got married in the summer and thought she'd be the first to have kids. I totally understand that. After our conversation I saw Christina Perri perform her song, A Thousand Years, for an adoption fundraiser or something on TV (I taped it because I wanted to see Justin Bieber lol). Anyways, I started BAWLING. Part of it was the message of the song, and part of it was the testimonials from foster children of all ages waiting for a home. It's the 3rd thing about adoption that has been said or happened to me recently. We're not opposed to it but we'd like to try all of our other options first. But it does get me to thinking...is this a sign?
I'd like to say that I'm a fairly strong person when it comes to certain things. I can be "youthful"...(my real name even has that as part of its meaning) because I like kid things. Heck, I just got sidetracked with this blog post looking for Batman stuff on Ebay and Amazon. lol I'm totally serious. :)
But I guess part of being strong is knowing that sometimes you have to go through your emotions and not just let them fester and build. I was apparently more emotional for a few days and feelings just came out. Anyways, I can put up a pretty good facade when I need to, but it in the end...it does affect me...whether we're in the middle of treatments or not.
It occurred to me the other day that IF is kinda like a disability. Some people can't see or hear. Some people are missing a limb or have to deal daily with something else. I realize that it is not the same thing...it is only similar in a few ways. I am not comparing myself to a blind or deaf person. However, I do feel like that my infertility does affect my entire life and well-being. Having children with my husband, being a mom, and doing family things together are what I long for....what I desire most.
We've been trying for awhile now with help and without. My husband still remains optimistic, which is HUGELY helpful...but I feel like it is something inside of me that is causing this. It is a part of me...as the lack of sight or hearing is part of other people. I guess I can't really explain it...and I'm not sure those of you not going through IF would really understand...but not being able to have a baby on your own which is a BIOLOGICAL (or supposed to be) ability...feels like a hand I was dealt and therefore something I do not have control over. (holy long run on sentence Batman!)
While others have methods of dealing with their own daily struggles through life, I do have doctors and medicine and procedures to hopefully acquire my dream. So in that sense, I feel that I have a bit of an advantage...and therefore, I can't compare myself totally with those who have many more challenges. I hope no one takes offense to my poorly articulated comparison...or whatever you want to call it.
I told the Hubs that I hope this year we either have our baby or at least get pregnant and are on the way to having our baby(ies). Cross those fingers!
As for non-related events...
*Hubs went on TV
*Family drama
*Started a second job
*Car accident
*Hubs got a new car
*Almost lost our house
*Hubs wrote to Obama about the home loan modification
*(knock on wood) We have our mortgage modification! Thanks to Obama...or at least his staff.
*Best friend got married
*Went to FLORIDA!!!
*Started and quit Nutrisystem (a.k.a Lost 9 and a half lbs but only to gain it back during Christmas lol)
Gosh, I know there was more but I am having a brain fart. lol
Either way, it's hard to paraphrase or summarize 365 days of life. I do find myself acknowledging the blessings I do have in life and trying to focus on that.
I do find happiness in small things and randomly throughout the day, week, or whatever. But I have to say that I am not happy all of the time...I am human. And frankly, another year without a baby does leave a void and a hole in my heart.
We're going to continue to work on feeling better and maybe losing a few pounds before starting again...but I don't know when that will be. We have no timeline and no plan really right now where the IVF stuff is concerned.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel okay and even a little relieved. Other times I feel lost and in need of that peace of mind to hold on to.
For now, knowing that it is at least in the works will have to do. I don't have much of a choice. Either way, I wish you the best in life and your baby journey (if you are currently on one).
Also, CONGRATS (a bit belated) to my friend over at Fertility Frustration on her baby girl born in the beginning of December. :) SO happy for her!!!
Hugs,
TheMrs
"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"
-Christina Perri (A Thousand Years)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Happy Holidays!
Hey blog friends,
I just came on here to quickly say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all! :)
I know my hiatus from baby making has caused me to be absent from here, but I appreciate that you stick around.
There is a lot going on in my head but with the holidays and working more...I barely even look at my computer let alone feel like blogging. So, sorry. I will work on that. :)
Again, Happy Holidays!!!!
I just came on here to quickly say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all! :)
I know my hiatus from baby making has caused me to be absent from here, but I appreciate that you stick around.
There is a lot going on in my head but with the holidays and working more...I barely even look at my computer let alone feel like blogging. So, sorry. I will work on that. :)
Again, Happy Holidays!!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
About Damn Time
Wow...I can't believe it's been that long since I've updated. Oops. Thanks for those of you who have stuck around and didn't delete me. I appreciate it. :)
I guess I can give you the "nutshell" version...
Hubby and I went to Florida at the end of October. It was a much needed break from baby stuff, life, and just everything in between. I have family down there and they let us stay at the motel they run for free. Even better. We got to do a lot of fun things. One of which was take a dinner cruise. Awesome. I think we connected in a way we haven't in a long time. You get so caught up in regular daily life, especially when you're going through IF and TTC, that sometimes you need a refresher.
So we spent time picking seashells in the rain or shopping in an outdoor shopping area in the drizzle (major brownie points to Hubby). We took pictures by silly things and went to the movies at 11:10pm to see Puss in Boots in 3D (which cost $27 just to get in). We played in the sand, and had great dinners at different places. We got to spend time alone and with my aunt and uncle.
It was the first time Hubs had been to an actual beach and/or an ocean or large body of water. He doesn't get outwardly excited all that much but he was having a blast.
Somehow we found each other again.
We even thought about moving down there. Seriously. Maybe we'd move back to the Midwest in the summer because frankly...Florida heat and humidity is kinda crazy sometimes. For us, anyways.
So all in all, it was an AMAZING trip. So much so that I was bummed big time that we had to come home to reality.
We both realized (and verbally said) that we have a lot we could be sad about but somehow we're still happy. I think our pictures prove it.
Now that we've been home for a few weeks, and started a diet (I'll get to that in a moment), we are back to being our normal, sometimes grumpy, selves. :)
However, I do find that we make more of an effort to be supportive or affectionate. We appreciate each other more even when we're cranky.
I think we need a vacation like that more often because it really helped recharge the batteries and put things into perspective.
As for the diet thing, we started Nutrisystem 8 days go. And we've already canceled it. lol
It's not the worst, but it is certainly not the best. The doctor told us it would help if I lost even 20 lbs with the amount of meds and everything I need while doing IVF. So...we're on TEAM BABY now. We even high five sometimes. lol I joke that I'm thinking about getting matching t-shirts. :)
The food isn't the greatest. For instance, I got a turkey hot dog for a lunch choice and it came in a box the size of a DVD. No joke. Today I heated up my pasta meal and someone came in the room thinking something smelled of vomit. Also, no joke. lol
We live for "cheater" days because have the flex plan that allows us to have 2 days off the actual Nutrisystem plan. THANK GOODNESS.
We can't go crazy but we can also eat something we actual enjoy. For Hubs, it's Chipotle (but he scales it down and only eats half). lol For me, it's a few different things. However, I find myself trying to be more cautious and more well-balanced than I used to. I can't go eating a whole pizza or anything on a cheater day but I can compromise a little.
So the goal right now is to start bcps early December... (side note--maybe I should call the doctor about that...) and then shots around New Years.
Then hopefully things will finally work out and we'll get preggers. I'm not banking on it but I sure am hoping.
I am sure there will be more in the world of IF to report on once we start the whole process again. I will be here and there (on the blog). The holidays are crazy...heck, normal life is crazy. I hope all is going with you all.
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
If you are traveling like we are, I hope you have a safe journey.
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
I guess I can give you the "nutshell" version...
Hubby and I went to Florida at the end of October. It was a much needed break from baby stuff, life, and just everything in between. I have family down there and they let us stay at the motel they run for free. Even better. We got to do a lot of fun things. One of which was take a dinner cruise. Awesome. I think we connected in a way we haven't in a long time. You get so caught up in regular daily life, especially when you're going through IF and TTC, that sometimes you need a refresher.
So we spent time picking seashells in the rain or shopping in an outdoor shopping area in the drizzle (major brownie points to Hubby). We took pictures by silly things and went to the movies at 11:10pm to see Puss in Boots in 3D (which cost $27 just to get in). We played in the sand, and had great dinners at different places. We got to spend time alone and with my aunt and uncle.
It was the first time Hubs had been to an actual beach and/or an ocean or large body of water. He doesn't get outwardly excited all that much but he was having a blast.
Somehow we found each other again.
We even thought about moving down there. Seriously. Maybe we'd move back to the Midwest in the summer because frankly...Florida heat and humidity is kinda crazy sometimes. For us, anyways.
So all in all, it was an AMAZING trip. So much so that I was bummed big time that we had to come home to reality.
We both realized (and verbally said) that we have a lot we could be sad about but somehow we're still happy. I think our pictures prove it.
Now that we've been home for a few weeks, and started a diet (I'll get to that in a moment), we are back to being our normal, sometimes grumpy, selves. :)
However, I do find that we make more of an effort to be supportive or affectionate. We appreciate each other more even when we're cranky.
I think we need a vacation like that more often because it really helped recharge the batteries and put things into perspective.
As for the diet thing, we started Nutrisystem 8 days go. And we've already canceled it. lol
It's not the worst, but it is certainly not the best. The doctor told us it would help if I lost even 20 lbs with the amount of meds and everything I need while doing IVF. So...we're on TEAM BABY now. We even high five sometimes. lol I joke that I'm thinking about getting matching t-shirts. :)
The food isn't the greatest. For instance, I got a turkey hot dog for a lunch choice and it came in a box the size of a DVD. No joke. Today I heated up my pasta meal and someone came in the room thinking something smelled of vomit. Also, no joke. lol
We live for "cheater" days because have the flex plan that allows us to have 2 days off the actual Nutrisystem plan. THANK GOODNESS.
We can't go crazy but we can also eat something we actual enjoy. For Hubs, it's Chipotle (but he scales it down and only eats half). lol For me, it's a few different things. However, I find myself trying to be more cautious and more well-balanced than I used to. I can't go eating a whole pizza or anything on a cheater day but I can compromise a little.
So the goal right now is to start bcps early December... (side note--maybe I should call the doctor about that...) and then shots around New Years.
Then hopefully things will finally work out and we'll get preggers. I'm not banking on it but I sure am hoping.
I am sure there will be more in the world of IF to report on once we start the whole process again. I will be here and there (on the blog). The holidays are crazy...heck, normal life is crazy. I hope all is going with you all.
I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
If you are traveling like we are, I hope you have a safe journey.
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
Monday, October 3, 2011
A Hard Pill To Swallow
Initially I planned on a long blog post but I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it. I didn't post in between the transfer and now because I get caught up in my thoughts and then they run away with me.
But I will at least let you know that I am not pregnant. I pretty much knew it since yesterday. I had a gut feeling but I was hoping that I was super wrong and that I would be pleasantly surprised tonight when I checked the computer.
But nope...
And I haven't cried like the last time yet...but it's coming.
I'm seriously starting to lose hope that it will ever happen. Apparently there is more wrong with me than I thought. But we'll see what the next thing is when we talk to the doctor again.
The idea of IVF again doesn't thrill me but I will keep doing it because I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there yet.
My hubs said that we have each other first and some people don't even have that. This is quite true.
But at some point, having a family becomes a very strong need and desire. But no matter how much bed rest you do, or how much you pray or the things you eat or don't eat...there's no guarantee.
I learned the hard way tonight not to have Facebook open while you are checking your pregnancy results. As soon as you see that it's negative, you see on Facebook that someone announced their pregnancy.
Ouch.
So, how am I feeling? Like I'm about to get pranked by the monthly visitor as a reminder that I am not pregnant. Now I get to bleed for a week so I don't forget it.
Periods are good when you are ready to do a cycle and everything but not when you were desperately hoping you were FINALLY with child.
Weight Watchers and 2 weeks off from life may be added into the next round. Hubs mentioned that I'm not supposed to lift more than 15 lbs and I think he was implying that I carry that in my chest....He may be right about that but I don't think that's what they mean. :)
It might not even be until next year because it's already October 3rd and they stop stims in the beginning or so of December so they don't hit the holidays.
With hubby's insurance/working issue, I don't know what's going to happen. Okay, I know I say that every time but it seems to change or have the possibility of changing...so it's true each time.
He's working there for almost a year and not wanting to but doing it so we can try to have a baby.
The financial stuff rests on him and the making the baby stick relies on me. We're in a bit of a pickle because he's not fond of his situation and I'm not having any luck.
But my inner voice told me that I would get through this...somehow. Maybe it's God's way of getting the message to me.
Tonight we went to Outback because we had a free steak coupon and I decided that we should go before we found out. I figured I'd be too much of a mess to eat in public after finding out. Due to traffic, we took a scenic route, and of course there was a sign that said "It's a hard pill to swallow but stay the course."
Coincidence?? Yeah, I don't think so. God knows he's breaking my heart right now but I am going to try and trust in Him that we will have our miracle.
It does get harder and harder to be positive or at least stay positive. It's hard to believe that it may actually work.
I guess as long as we can still keep going, that's what I'm going to do. When we run out of options or insurance, that's when we think about other alternatives.
That also depends on what the doctor thinks too.
Sigh...
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
But I will at least let you know that I am not pregnant. I pretty much knew it since yesterday. I had a gut feeling but I was hoping that I was super wrong and that I would be pleasantly surprised tonight when I checked the computer.
But nope...
And I haven't cried like the last time yet...but it's coming.
I'm seriously starting to lose hope that it will ever happen. Apparently there is more wrong with me than I thought. But we'll see what the next thing is when we talk to the doctor again.
The idea of IVF again doesn't thrill me but I will keep doing it because I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there yet.
My hubs said that we have each other first and some people don't even have that. This is quite true.
But at some point, having a family becomes a very strong need and desire. But no matter how much bed rest you do, or how much you pray or the things you eat or don't eat...there's no guarantee.
I learned the hard way tonight not to have Facebook open while you are checking your pregnancy results. As soon as you see that it's negative, you see on Facebook that someone announced their pregnancy.
Ouch.
So, how am I feeling? Like I'm about to get pranked by the monthly visitor as a reminder that I am not pregnant. Now I get to bleed for a week so I don't forget it.
Periods are good when you are ready to do a cycle and everything but not when you were desperately hoping you were FINALLY with child.
Weight Watchers and 2 weeks off from life may be added into the next round. Hubs mentioned that I'm not supposed to lift more than 15 lbs and I think he was implying that I carry that in my chest....He may be right about that but I don't think that's what they mean. :)
It might not even be until next year because it's already October 3rd and they stop stims in the beginning or so of December so they don't hit the holidays.
With hubby's insurance/working issue, I don't know what's going to happen. Okay, I know I say that every time but it seems to change or have the possibility of changing...so it's true each time.
He's working there for almost a year and not wanting to but doing it so we can try to have a baby.
The financial stuff rests on him and the making the baby stick relies on me. We're in a bit of a pickle because he's not fond of his situation and I'm not having any luck.
But my inner voice told me that I would get through this...somehow. Maybe it's God's way of getting the message to me.
Tonight we went to Outback because we had a free steak coupon and I decided that we should go before we found out. I figured I'd be too much of a mess to eat in public after finding out. Due to traffic, we took a scenic route, and of course there was a sign that said "It's a hard pill to swallow but stay the course."
Coincidence?? Yeah, I don't think so. God knows he's breaking my heart right now but I am going to try and trust in Him that we will have our miracle.
It does get harder and harder to be positive or at least stay positive. It's hard to believe that it may actually work.
I guess as long as we can still keep going, that's what I'm going to do. When we run out of options or insurance, that's when we think about other alternatives.
That also depends on what the doctor thinks too.
Sigh...
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Cuts and Bruises of the actual kind
Just got my instructions for the transfer tomorrow.
What a weird email to get. This is the time, place, and doctor that will put your potential babies in your womb.
Weird.
It's much earlier than I thought. I don't know if that is good or bad but hey...it's happening. 7am I need to drink 20oz of water. If you know my bladder, that is going to be a problem. So now while I'm already hoping I don't toot during the procedure, I have to worry about not peeing on myself or anyone either. 7:30 we have to be there. We talk to embryology and maybe sign papers. I forget. We signed the okay for them to be thawed already. I get undressed and Hubs puts on a crazy small outfit that makes him look silly...but cute. :) And by 8 or so, I'll probably have my vajayjay in the air and all will be underway. Hopefully.
My emotions go from extreme excitement to worry and nervousness. And then there's the inevitable embarrassment of it all too.
My butt has bruises from the progesterone oil injections. Fun.
And today I accidentally cut myself 2x with a razor. Once on my inner thigh and the other one...well, let's just say when the HUGE light is helping them navigate "down there", I won't be surprised if they giggle while they are up close and personal. So even more things to worry about doing or not doing or being embarrassed about.
I hope they don't giggle as I am hopefully NOT the first or last person to do that...
Ugh.
Hubs thinks it's kinda funny. And while I was sitting in the bathroom trying to get it stop bleeding...well, I kinda thought it was a tad funny too.
But my biggest concern aside from the embarrassment factor was...would it impede or hinder the transfer somehow?
Will I get all undressed for nothing just to have them take one look and say "oh no, we can't do it with that disaster there" or something? Silly I know. But I seriously would call the dr office to talk to a nurse if they were still accepting voicemails. After 4, they can't guarantee a response until the next day.
So while I write these blog entries for myself and to help others...I also write them so you can learn from my mistakes.
Or know what you're getting yourself into.
Sometimes I seriously just shake my head...at myself.
For those of you new to transfers ...I suggest finding my IVF transfer blog post because I tried my best to explain it.
Perhaps I will recreate the visual for you tomorrow after I get home.
I was watching an episode of Giuliana and Bill the other night and they went all the way to Denver to see a specialist to begin the process of IVF again. The genetics counselor (or whatever) said that it's hard for patients to believe that it could happen, that it could work.
That's sooo true.
There are so many people who have been through way more than we have, but I'm already up to 3 IUIs, 1 IVF, and now my first frozen embryo transfer.
So tomorrow morning around 8am (central time)...please think good thoughts for us. Whether you're new or an old follower, a friend, a lurker, or a complete stranger that knows what I am going through, I appreciate that you allow me to tell my story and that maybe you will be rooting for us. You know how much we want this. And have wanted it for a long time now.
Will this be it for us? I don't know. But I am certainly hoping and praying that it is.
I'm going on bed rest as soon as I get home. I might be a little less strict about it come Saturday but for Thurs and Fri...my bed is my new bff.
Last time I worked stupid hours after the IVF transfer and I still kick myself for it. The paper they give you clearly says not to even vacuum. Not that I know what that is (LOL) but I can imagine that it is less work than working 9 or 10 hours in a preschool class with 20 kids that don't know how to clean up.
Yeah...not good.
So I'm taking a break from the world. I will eat when I want to or sleep when I want to and watch movies and tv when I want to.
These embryos are going to get my undivided attention. Whether it works or not, I will at least know I did what I could. There's always something else I'm sure that can be done (healthier, etc) but I just really hope this is going to be it.
Maybe just one baby. Maybe 2. Who knows?
This is the most exciting and gut wrenching and sometimes heartbreaking part of this process.
Bring it.
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
What a weird email to get. This is the time, place, and doctor that will put your potential babies in your womb.
Weird.
It's much earlier than I thought. I don't know if that is good or bad but hey...it's happening. 7am I need to drink 20oz of water. If you know my bladder, that is going to be a problem. So now while I'm already hoping I don't toot during the procedure, I have to worry about not peeing on myself or anyone either. 7:30 we have to be there. We talk to embryology and maybe sign papers. I forget. We signed the okay for them to be thawed already. I get undressed and Hubs puts on a crazy small outfit that makes him look silly...but cute. :) And by 8 or so, I'll probably have my vajayjay in the air and all will be underway. Hopefully.
My emotions go from extreme excitement to worry and nervousness. And then there's the inevitable embarrassment of it all too.
My butt has bruises from the progesterone oil injections. Fun.
And today I accidentally cut myself 2x with a razor. Once on my inner thigh and the other one...well, let's just say when the HUGE light is helping them navigate "down there", I won't be surprised if they giggle while they are up close and personal. So even more things to worry about doing or not doing or being embarrassed about.
I hope they don't giggle as I am hopefully NOT the first or last person to do that...
Ugh.
Hubs thinks it's kinda funny. And while I was sitting in the bathroom trying to get it stop bleeding...well, I kinda thought it was a tad funny too.
But my biggest concern aside from the embarrassment factor was...would it impede or hinder the transfer somehow?
Will I get all undressed for nothing just to have them take one look and say "oh no, we can't do it with that disaster there" or something? Silly I know. But I seriously would call the dr office to talk to a nurse if they were still accepting voicemails. After 4, they can't guarantee a response until the next day.
So while I write these blog entries for myself and to help others...I also write them so you can learn from my mistakes.
Or know what you're getting yourself into.
Sometimes I seriously just shake my head...at myself.
For those of you new to transfers ...I suggest finding my IVF transfer blog post because I tried my best to explain it.
Perhaps I will recreate the visual for you tomorrow after I get home.
I was watching an episode of Giuliana and Bill the other night and they went all the way to Denver to see a specialist to begin the process of IVF again. The genetics counselor (or whatever) said that it's hard for patients to believe that it could happen, that it could work.
That's sooo true.
There are so many people who have been through way more than we have, but I'm already up to 3 IUIs, 1 IVF, and now my first frozen embryo transfer.
So tomorrow morning around 8am (central time)...please think good thoughts for us. Whether you're new or an old follower, a friend, a lurker, or a complete stranger that knows what I am going through, I appreciate that you allow me to tell my story and that maybe you will be rooting for us. You know how much we want this. And have wanted it for a long time now.
Will this be it for us? I don't know. But I am certainly hoping and praying that it is.
I'm going on bed rest as soon as I get home. I might be a little less strict about it come Saturday but for Thurs and Fri...my bed is my new bff.
Last time I worked stupid hours after the IVF transfer and I still kick myself for it. The paper they give you clearly says not to even vacuum. Not that I know what that is (LOL) but I can imagine that it is less work than working 9 or 10 hours in a preschool class with 20 kids that don't know how to clean up.
Yeah...not good.
So I'm taking a break from the world. I will eat when I want to or sleep when I want to and watch movies and tv when I want to.
These embryos are going to get my undivided attention. Whether it works or not, I will at least know I did what I could. There's always something else I'm sure that can be done (healthier, etc) but I just really hope this is going to be it.
Maybe just one baby. Maybe 2. Who knows?
This is the most exciting and gut wrenching and sometimes heartbreaking part of this process.
Bring it.
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
Monday, September 5, 2011
Gifts Wrapped in Shit
A wise lady told me today about gifts wrapped in shit. OK not literal shit. :)
But basically...we all go through shit. Life throws shit our way all the time. Being infertile is definitely shitty. However, my friend told me that there is a gift wrapped in that shit. We might not know it yet or think there is anything there. If we look deep enough, we will find the lesson in all of the shit and then be able to help others.
So this is my experience with IF. My experience and blog and support for you is my gift that I found out of the shit that is IF. :)
Personally, I don't think I'm quite out of the sifting through shit phase yet because we're still not pregnant ....BUT I'm trying to live through it and help at least someone else realize that they are not alone in this.
On another note, I'm scheduled for my transfer on the 22nd. I found out about a week ago that I have jury duty starting the 26th (yay....not) and it might conflict. Since I don't know how to get out of jury duty in the short period of time I have, I wanted to make sure everything was going to be okay with the transfer first. So after some phone tag with the doctor's office, we had a date. Now I think that still depends on how my body reacts to the Lupron and Estrace I'm on. I have another appointment on Friday the 9th to check things out. So cross your fingers that everything will go smoothly and the 22nd will be the lucky day. I am then taking 2 days off from doing anything other than TV and maybe the computer. No working or cleaning. I'm even missing a big birthday party for one of my friends.
But this is super important. So I'm sorry....but that's how it goes.
Also, for those of you who know me IRL, please do not buy me any baby books (about having babies not books to read to babies) or pregnancy books. Now that one of my FAVORITE stores is going out of business,I have acquired a HUGE collection of books. I probably shouldn't have purchased them since we're not pregnant yet but they were SUCH a good deal. Seriously...it was like they were giving them away.
I will have to count them later and cringe at how many I have. I like to think of it as being optimistic. I find it hard buying actual baby items right now unless I buy it for my niece or friends. I like to think of the books as "hope" pieces and hopefully not books that will collect dust on the shelves.
Also, if I know you IRL, don't be surprised if you get a book as a present when you get preggers. LOL
But I promise it won't be wrapped in shit. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
PS I can't see my followers list. Anyone know how to fix that??
But basically...we all go through shit. Life throws shit our way all the time. Being infertile is definitely shitty. However, my friend told me that there is a gift wrapped in that shit. We might not know it yet or think there is anything there. If we look deep enough, we will find the lesson in all of the shit and then be able to help others.
So this is my experience with IF. My experience and blog and support for you is my gift that I found out of the shit that is IF. :)
Personally, I don't think I'm quite out of the sifting through shit phase yet because we're still not pregnant ....BUT I'm trying to live through it and help at least someone else realize that they are not alone in this.
On another note, I'm scheduled for my transfer on the 22nd. I found out about a week ago that I have jury duty starting the 26th (yay....not) and it might conflict. Since I don't know how to get out of jury duty in the short period of time I have, I wanted to make sure everything was going to be okay with the transfer first. So after some phone tag with the doctor's office, we had a date. Now I think that still depends on how my body reacts to the Lupron and Estrace I'm on. I have another appointment on Friday the 9th to check things out. So cross your fingers that everything will go smoothly and the 22nd will be the lucky day. I am then taking 2 days off from doing anything other than TV and maybe the computer. No working or cleaning. I'm even missing a big birthday party for one of my friends.
But this is super important. So I'm sorry....but that's how it goes.
Also, for those of you who know me IRL, please do not buy me any baby books (about having babies not books to read to babies) or pregnancy books. Now that one of my FAVORITE stores is going out of business,I have acquired a HUGE collection of books. I probably shouldn't have purchased them since we're not pregnant yet but they were SUCH a good deal. Seriously...it was like they were giving them away.
I will have to count them later and cringe at how many I have. I like to think of it as being optimistic. I find it hard buying actual baby items right now unless I buy it for my niece or friends. I like to think of the books as "hope" pieces and hopefully not books that will collect dust on the shelves.
Also, if I know you IRL, don't be surprised if you get a book as a present when you get preggers. LOL
But I promise it won't be wrapped in shit. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs
PS I can't see my followers list. Anyone know how to fix that??
Monday, August 29, 2011
Hormones, Fried Chicken, and Ex-Boyfriends
What a title huh? :) Let me explain...
Hormones...are mean.. Well, it's more like I'm me an when I'm messing with my hormones. I actually tried to explain this to my hubs recently. I hadn't had my period yet but he claimed I was cranky so it was probably coming. I told him that he needs to realize this (because he clearly doesn't) and not push me everytime I walk in the door. He doesn't physically push me but he bugs me about certain things. Sometimes he tries to be funny but I am obviously not feeling it but he continues on and on anyways.
So I said that you wouldn't approach a tiger when its hungry or angry. Sometimes I'm the tiger. No surprise but no response to that one (it was via text). It's just common sense.
I do make a point though, right? A tiger can't change its stripes and I can't change my mood sometimes. Sure, I can try and I do make an effort. However, a tiger can only be poke so much before it bites...or at least make an intimidating roar or growl.
On Wednesday, I finally saw what appeared to be a period and the cramps are a clue that it is definitely here. So, hopefully hubs will take a hint and all will be good.
This period has been a little weird. Just when I thought it was tapering off, it started back full force yesterday. TMI warning...but it was a little "clotty". Sorry...just not sure if that means anything or not.
Moving on...to fried chicken.
One bonus of bcps and/or not having your period for awhile is NO ZITS! Now that I'm off them, it was as if a colony of pilgrims came to my face and decided to settle there.
I got a lot right away but the under the skin kind that kinda hurts a little. Well, you can feel them and its just uncomfortable. Luckily, I got burnt the other day and I think that it helped a little. Perhaps they can go off and settle on someone else's face. lol
However, the night after getting them is NOT a good time to eat fried chicken! I think all of the grease went to my face. Sigh...but my hormones/ body wanted fried chicken because it has been so long. A catch 22 it was.
Ex-boyfriends....
You may need a little backstory for this one...
In middle school, there was a boy who liked me and pursued me for the whole 3 yrs, every day. Yes, a little stalkerish. lol
In high schol, this same boy continued to pursue me except he actually attempted to date other girls when I told him no (and I was dating someone else-REALLY long story there). Anyways, eventually we did go out and we also went to ALL of the high school dances together (sometimes as friends and sometimes while dating). He was my first for many things. We were...how do I put this...stupidly in love. But all was not roses. He lied a LOT and his dysfunctional relationship with his parents even landed him in a tent next to my parents' house for a weekend. His family lived 3 houtses behind mine. Anyways, he slept in a tent because my parents weren't stupid (they probably knew things were going on) and wouldn't let him stay in the house. This makes me laugh now...Maybe you had to be there. lol
Anyways, after 4 yrs of a roller coaster relationship, we broke up. Well, he told me he had slept with someone else. He had cheated and I wasn't surprised. After his uncle died in 2003, he was a different person. He did drugs and alcohol. He asked me for money (which yes, I gave him...), got put in jail for shoplifting at Walmart...which I bailed him out, and he showed up at my dorm room once with hickies all over his neck...and not from me.
So that was 2004. A few years later his girlfriend at the time (who he cheated on me with) contacted me via AIM. Does anyone even use that anymore?? I don't know why she wanted to talk to me but unfortunately he jumped on the computer at one point and was really nasty to me. That was the last time I remember hearing from him. That was maybe 2006.
His sister (the nicest one) is still on my Facebook (because I'm crazy I guess). And I still talk to the girlfriend that IMed me all those years ago (who has married and divorced him) on Facebook too. I know, I know...that's just crazy. But she was cheated on too (big shocker) but (un)fortunately, a child was created from that.
Now he's with some older lady that has 2 teenage children and a 13 month old (who is adorable).
Life is so fair, isn't it?
My point I was getting to was...
About a week ago I came home from doing a craft show with my mom and her friend. I found a note on my car. Guess who it was from? Yeah. Wow. After being broken up since 2004, and last hearing from him around 2006, I was beside myself.
I then found out from my dad (because I was at their house) that he actually came to the DOOR looking for me. Despite that my car was there, I was not. THANKFULLY.
Needless to say I freaked out a little. Wouldn't you? What could he have to say?? His note said he just wanted to say hi and it mentioned that he was at his parents' house for the night.
Yeah, like I'd go over there. I'd pass the spot in the concrete where we wrote our initials. No thanks. There was also the whole talking to him thing too. lol
One of my friends said I should talk to him though to see what he has to say. At first, I thought absolutely not! He crushed me. And just the night before all of this, I happened to reread a poem I wrote about how he saved my life when he had walked out of it.
That Monday came and went without much thought about it. But then the other night I stumbled on some pictures from his sister's wedding. I saw him with his son. Weird because it was hard to see to him as a dad but cute. No flutteries though but I know I will always have some good and bad feelings towards him.
So maybe I should talk to him if the opportunity presents itself? Maybe he has changed. Maybe not. But that has to take balls to show up after 5 yrs. Plus, I think God promotes forgiveness more than hate. I'm tired of feeling that way about him. Not hate, but true dislike and betrayal....mixed with residual feelings from the good times. Let's face it...I'd like to tell him a few things too.
My dad said that no martter what happened between us, I was still a good friend to him. That's true. My friends and family are happy I didn't stay with him but for my dad to say that, it got me thinking.
I could be the better person. I usually have in our situation. I don't plan on pursuing this or making an effort. If he tried again to talk to me, do I respond?
Maybe I'll be less paranoid and more willing to be receptive should he contact me again. Neither one of our parents seems to be moving, so he will always be right there when he's visiting. It could be another 5 years too.
Then again, it could all just be my hormones talking. :)
Whew...that was long. Thanks for reading!!
Happy Baby Wishes,
The Mrs
Hormones...are mean.. Well, it's more like I'm me an when I'm messing with my hormones. I actually tried to explain this to my hubs recently. I hadn't had my period yet but he claimed I was cranky so it was probably coming. I told him that he needs to realize this (because he clearly doesn't) and not push me everytime I walk in the door. He doesn't physically push me but he bugs me about certain things. Sometimes he tries to be funny but I am obviously not feeling it but he continues on and on anyways.
So I said that you wouldn't approach a tiger when its hungry or angry. Sometimes I'm the tiger. No surprise but no response to that one (it was via text). It's just common sense.
I do make a point though, right? A tiger can't change its stripes and I can't change my mood sometimes. Sure, I can try and I do make an effort. However, a tiger can only be poke so much before it bites...or at least make an intimidating roar or growl.
On Wednesday, I finally saw what appeared to be a period and the cramps are a clue that it is definitely here. So, hopefully hubs will take a hint and all will be good.
This period has been a little weird. Just when I thought it was tapering off, it started back full force yesterday. TMI warning...but it was a little "clotty". Sorry...just not sure if that means anything or not.
Moving on...to fried chicken.
One bonus of bcps and/or not having your period for awhile is NO ZITS! Now that I'm off them, it was as if a colony of pilgrims came to my face and decided to settle there.
I got a lot right away but the under the skin kind that kinda hurts a little. Well, you can feel them and its just uncomfortable. Luckily, I got burnt the other day and I think that it helped a little. Perhaps they can go off and settle on someone else's face. lol
However, the night after getting them is NOT a good time to eat fried chicken! I think all of the grease went to my face. Sigh...but my hormones/ body wanted fried chicken because it has been so long. A catch 22 it was.
Ex-boyfriends....
You may need a little backstory for this one...
In middle school, there was a boy who liked me and pursued me for the whole 3 yrs, every day. Yes, a little stalkerish. lol
In high schol, this same boy continued to pursue me except he actually attempted to date other girls when I told him no (and I was dating someone else-REALLY long story there). Anyways, eventually we did go out and we also went to ALL of the high school dances together (sometimes as friends and sometimes while dating). He was my first for many things. We were...how do I put this...stupidly in love. But all was not roses. He lied a LOT and his dysfunctional relationship with his parents even landed him in a tent next to my parents' house for a weekend. His family lived 3 houtses behind mine. Anyways, he slept in a tent because my parents weren't stupid (they probably knew things were going on) and wouldn't let him stay in the house. This makes me laugh now...Maybe you had to be there. lol
Anyways, after 4 yrs of a roller coaster relationship, we broke up. Well, he told me he had slept with someone else. He had cheated and I wasn't surprised. After his uncle died in 2003, he was a different person. He did drugs and alcohol. He asked me for money (which yes, I gave him...), got put in jail for shoplifting at Walmart...which I bailed him out, and he showed up at my dorm room once with hickies all over his neck...and not from me.
So that was 2004. A few years later his girlfriend at the time (who he cheated on me with) contacted me via AIM. Does anyone even use that anymore?? I don't know why she wanted to talk to me but unfortunately he jumped on the computer at one point and was really nasty to me. That was the last time I remember hearing from him. That was maybe 2006.
His sister (the nicest one) is still on my Facebook (because I'm crazy I guess). And I still talk to the girlfriend that IMed me all those years ago (who has married and divorced him) on Facebook too. I know, I know...that's just crazy. But she was cheated on too (big shocker) but (un)fortunately, a child was created from that.
Now he's with some older lady that has 2 teenage children and a 13 month old (who is adorable).
Life is so fair, isn't it?
My point I was getting to was...
About a week ago I came home from doing a craft show with my mom and her friend. I found a note on my car. Guess who it was from? Yeah. Wow. After being broken up since 2004, and last hearing from him around 2006, I was beside myself.
I then found out from my dad (because I was at their house) that he actually came to the DOOR looking for me. Despite that my car was there, I was not. THANKFULLY.
Needless to say I freaked out a little. Wouldn't you? What could he have to say?? His note said he just wanted to say hi and it mentioned that he was at his parents' house for the night.
Yeah, like I'd go over there. I'd pass the spot in the concrete where we wrote our initials. No thanks. There was also the whole talking to him thing too. lol
One of my friends said I should talk to him though to see what he has to say. At first, I thought absolutely not! He crushed me. And just the night before all of this, I happened to reread a poem I wrote about how he saved my life when he had walked out of it.
That Monday came and went without much thought about it. But then the other night I stumbled on some pictures from his sister's wedding. I saw him with his son. Weird because it was hard to see to him as a dad but cute. No flutteries though but I know I will always have some good and bad feelings towards him.
So maybe I should talk to him if the opportunity presents itself? Maybe he has changed. Maybe not. But that has to take balls to show up after 5 yrs. Plus, I think God promotes forgiveness more than hate. I'm tired of feeling that way about him. Not hate, but true dislike and betrayal....mixed with residual feelings from the good times. Let's face it...I'd like to tell him a few things too.
My dad said that no martter what happened between us, I was still a good friend to him. That's true. My friends and family are happy I didn't stay with him but for my dad to say that, it got me thinking.
I could be the better person. I usually have in our situation. I don't plan on pursuing this or making an effort. If he tried again to talk to me, do I respond?
Maybe I'll be less paranoid and more willing to be receptive should he contact me again. Neither one of our parents seems to be moving, so he will always be right there when he's visiting. It could be another 5 years too.
Then again, it could all just be my hormones talking. :)
Whew...that was long. Thanks for reading!!
Happy Baby Wishes,
The Mrs
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Frozen Embryo Daycare
My future babies are in daycare right now. We have custody of them and we have to sign release papers to let them out. We pay tuition and even a meal plan. Okay, maybe not a meal plan, but it is funny to think they are in some "daycare" ready to be thawed and transferred to their new home...my uterus.
This is not something I thought I'd ever be doing. It was always something you heard about on the news because someone messed up (thanks Mom for bringing THAT up). But it was always someone else's story and here I'm finding out that it is mine too. Well, at least part of it.
What do you tell your kids? Do you tell them how they came to be? I know we're okay with it. I hope my family and friends are okay with it...but will they be okay with it?
Perhaps it won't come up. :)
At least not until they are passed 40yrs old. Maybe then we will let them date AND tell them about how they came into this world.
Um...no...maybe 50. :)
Truth is, it doesn't really matter...especially at this point. We've been through so much and frankly they can come so many different ways.
We went to the nurse consultation on Monday to get our timeline (which is kinda vague) and some instructions on this cycle.
FYI...IVF has a TON more shots and meds but is a bit faster. FET cycles are less meds but take much longer to get through.
Oh and by the way, I'm expecting a period in the next day or two that has been waiting to emerge from its cocoon since the end of May.
HOLY CRAZY LADY!!! My hubs has already heard its wrath a little lately. Yikes. And the lava flow (sorry for the TMI) is expected to be a doozy.
You may want to evacuate now.
:)
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...we were getting out of the car when my hubby said "Let's make a baby this time, okay?"
"Yes. 2 or 3 or 7. I don't care anymore." Well...something to that affect was my reply.
It was cute. The previous day we were having lunch and he said randomly that he is going to have a hard time making conversation with our kids.
See...I am fluent in some kid language. At some ages, NO one can understand what they are saying but you smile and nod anyways. lol
I teach, babysit, and have been doing camp this summer. I watch kid shows and do kid type things now and then. I am quite in touch with my inner tween. lol
So I feel like I can make a lot of conversation with slightly older children. Babies and toddlers just beginning to speak...well, that's a challenge to anyone with ears. Or sometimes only the parents of the child know what the heck they want.
But that's a challenge I look forward to...and obviously something my hubby thinks about.
While he definitely wants children, even more so now than before, he still sees the financial part that is kicking us in the butt. Literally. lol
We have GREAT insurance now but it's because he works for nothing except insurance pretty much. Long story there.
Anyways, he needs money for things like food, our mortgage, and other bills. So it's hard right now because we are relying on having this insurance to have children...the non-old fashioned way.
So if our snow omelets don't make it...then it could be months or years until we are able to do another retrieval.
Anyways, I am trying to remain hopeful even though the doubt is there...It is always there.
So here we go...Lupron shots started Wednesday. Birth control pills stopped last night (Fri). I keep doing Lupron until August 31. I go in for ultrasound and blood work.
Then I will start Estrace most likely around that time and continue a lower dose of Lupron, After the transfer (which I will have a week's heads up about) I think I start the progesterone oil and Crinone gel (aka tampon of goo). I could be missing something in there or slightly off with something but I'm getting tired. :P
Either way, that is my update. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. Take care!
Happy Baby wishes,
TheMrs
This is not something I thought I'd ever be doing. It was always something you heard about on the news because someone messed up (thanks Mom for bringing THAT up). But it was always someone else's story and here I'm finding out that it is mine too. Well, at least part of it.
What do you tell your kids? Do you tell them how they came to be? I know we're okay with it. I hope my family and friends are okay with it...but will they be okay with it?
Perhaps it won't come up. :)
At least not until they are passed 40yrs old. Maybe then we will let them date AND tell them about how they came into this world.
Um...no...maybe 50. :)
Truth is, it doesn't really matter...especially at this point. We've been through so much and frankly they can come so many different ways.
We went to the nurse consultation on Monday to get our timeline (which is kinda vague) and some instructions on this cycle.
FYI...IVF has a TON more shots and meds but is a bit faster. FET cycles are less meds but take much longer to get through.
Oh and by the way, I'm expecting a period in the next day or two that has been waiting to emerge from its cocoon since the end of May.
HOLY CRAZY LADY!!! My hubs has already heard its wrath a little lately. Yikes. And the lava flow (sorry for the TMI) is expected to be a doozy.
You may want to evacuate now.
:)
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...we were getting out of the car when my hubby said "Let's make a baby this time, okay?"
"Yes. 2 or 3 or 7. I don't care anymore." Well...something to that affect was my reply.
It was cute. The previous day we were having lunch and he said randomly that he is going to have a hard time making conversation with our kids.
See...I am fluent in some kid language. At some ages, NO one can understand what they are saying but you smile and nod anyways. lol
I teach, babysit, and have been doing camp this summer. I watch kid shows and do kid type things now and then. I am quite in touch with my inner tween. lol
So I feel like I can make a lot of conversation with slightly older children. Babies and toddlers just beginning to speak...well, that's a challenge to anyone with ears. Or sometimes only the parents of the child know what the heck they want.
But that's a challenge I look forward to...and obviously something my hubby thinks about.
While he definitely wants children, even more so now than before, he still sees the financial part that is kicking us in the butt. Literally. lol
We have GREAT insurance now but it's because he works for nothing except insurance pretty much. Long story there.
Anyways, he needs money for things like food, our mortgage, and other bills. So it's hard right now because we are relying on having this insurance to have children...the non-old fashioned way.
So if our snow omelets don't make it...then it could be months or years until we are able to do another retrieval.
Anyways, I am trying to remain hopeful even though the doubt is there...It is always there.
So here we go...Lupron shots started Wednesday. Birth control pills stopped last night (Fri). I keep doing Lupron until August 31. I go in for ultrasound and blood work.
Then I will start Estrace most likely around that time and continue a lower dose of Lupron, After the transfer (which I will have a week's heads up about) I think I start the progesterone oil and Crinone gel (aka tampon of goo). I could be missing something in there or slightly off with something but I'm getting tired. :P
Either way, that is my update. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. Take care!
Happy Baby wishes,
TheMrs
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
It's Not Effin' Fair
OK...I need to rant a little....
It's not effing fair. Why do certain people get to have beautiful babies and we don't???
Why do some babies have problems and some are totally fine?
Why do I have a hormonal imbalance that makes it hard to get pregnant??
When will DH and I have our miracle babies?!
Will I ever be able to post pictures of my darling babies for all to oooh and awww at?
Kids are messy, and expensive. They drain your energy and don't allow you to sleep. They talk back or poop on you...but I WANT THAT!
I want a family...
I didn't think it would be so hard. Some people just make it look so frickin' easy. Some people talk about it like it's GOING to happen and they know for sure.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but I still don't get why WE have to suffer when we are perfectly good parents?
And then I wonder...maybe we're not good enough. But then I think about some of the people who do have kids...and I hate to judge...but I think we'd be better parents than those people.
But maybe not.
Why can't we make love to each other instead of conceiving with a cup or syringe and have a handful of doctors make the magic happen (which hasn't happened yet)?
It's not fair that I revolve my life around kids and I see them every day. Heck, they are almost always the reason why I am constantly sick...
But life's cruel joke is that I can't have my own?
I do hope we can...eventually we will get there. I have to keep believing that. And that child or those children that are brought into this world will have a purpose for being just as they are. God wants a special person or people for us to raise...I know they will be worth the wait.
I'm just not the most patient person....
Filing paperwork at work the other day even made me think about my kids. I kept thinking that I want someone to take to get a physical for school (and get back to school supplies!!) and sign papers that say I'm his or her mom and they are my son or daughter. I want a file at school that says his or her name. I want a cubby or a desk with their name on it. I want a teacher to say hi "so and so". I want them to cry when I leave but then be okay or run to me when I pick them up.
People take their children for granted sometimes. I know I will complain about mine too if I am blessed enough to have one or however many. I know I will...because I am human. But I will love them still.
Even when they poop on the carpet. lol
I just don't like when people tell me about how kids aren't good to have because of this or that. Really? You would do ANYTHING for them but you tell me I shouldn't have them because they trash your house? Or steal your money? Or eat you out of house and home? Or they are noisy? These are not deal breakers to me...
They are the love of your life and you couldn't ask for anything more but then you say they ruined your body and sex life or ability to have any vehicle other than a minivan.
Oh please.
You say that the love you have for them and them for you is nothing else in the world but you think I'm going to consider not having kids because you can't stand the Wiggles?
Don't try to make me feel like I'm the lucky one here because I don't have kids. You want a vacation without the screaming and yelling (and I'm sure I will one day too) but right now I envy you.
I envy that you kiss their boo-boos or tuck them in at night. I envy that you get to pack them a lunch and kiss them bye before school.
I envy that you created a life inside of you and now there is a life running around, screaming, puking on your side of the bed, laughing at nothing, on a sugar high, complaining about chores, taking his first steps, or saying her first words.
You're so effin' lucky...
I'm not saying I need everything the easy way, because that's not fair either...nor realistic. But something that should be so biological and part of our human nature....?? Really? Is this some kind of natural selection? Because not to brag but I am kind of awesome...and Hubs isn't so bad himself. :) lol
I dunno...
Sometimes I look at people's newborn pics or read their blogs or hear about their exciting news and smile though my heart is breaking. Sometimes I play with my kids at work or see the babies come and go and not think much of it.
But then there are days when life is not fair...IF is not effin' fair...and I just lose it. I cry, I wanna scream but I don't, and I feel the need to get it off my chest.
Nothing anyone can say to me will make it any better even though I appreciate that you/they try.
I don't want to think about our other options just yet either though adoption and surrogacy cross my mind from time to time.
I know I am not perfect by any means but my heart's deepest desire is to have a child or children of my own with my husband (of now 4 yrs! yay!). I have soooo much love to give for a child or children.
Who will I give it to?
Love and baby dust,
TheMrs
PS Btw, don't believe Magic 8 balls or consult Google quizzes about pregnancy or when you will get pregnant...
They... do not...work.
It's not effing fair. Why do certain people get to have beautiful babies and we don't???
Why do some babies have problems and some are totally fine?
Why do I have a hormonal imbalance that makes it hard to get pregnant??
When will DH and I have our miracle babies?!
Will I ever be able to post pictures of my darling babies for all to oooh and awww at?
Kids are messy, and expensive. They drain your energy and don't allow you to sleep. They talk back or poop on you...but I WANT THAT!
I want a family...
I didn't think it would be so hard. Some people just make it look so frickin' easy. Some people talk about it like it's GOING to happen and they know for sure.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but I still don't get why WE have to suffer when we are perfectly good parents?
And then I wonder...maybe we're not good enough. But then I think about some of the people who do have kids...and I hate to judge...but I think we'd be better parents than those people.
But maybe not.
Why can't we make love to each other instead of conceiving with a cup or syringe and have a handful of doctors make the magic happen (which hasn't happened yet)?
It's not fair that I revolve my life around kids and I see them every day. Heck, they are almost always the reason why I am constantly sick...
But life's cruel joke is that I can't have my own?
I do hope we can...eventually we will get there. I have to keep believing that. And that child or those children that are brought into this world will have a purpose for being just as they are. God wants a special person or people for us to raise...I know they will be worth the wait.
I'm just not the most patient person....
Filing paperwork at work the other day even made me think about my kids. I kept thinking that I want someone to take to get a physical for school (and get back to school supplies!!) and sign papers that say I'm his or her mom and they are my son or daughter. I want a file at school that says his or her name. I want a cubby or a desk with their name on it. I want a teacher to say hi "so and so". I want them to cry when I leave but then be okay or run to me when I pick them up.
People take their children for granted sometimes. I know I will complain about mine too if I am blessed enough to have one or however many. I know I will...because I am human. But I will love them still.
Even when they poop on the carpet. lol
I just don't like when people tell me about how kids aren't good to have because of this or that. Really? You would do ANYTHING for them but you tell me I shouldn't have them because they trash your house? Or steal your money? Or eat you out of house and home? Or they are noisy? These are not deal breakers to me...
They are the love of your life and you couldn't ask for anything more but then you say they ruined your body and sex life or ability to have any vehicle other than a minivan.
Oh please.
You say that the love you have for them and them for you is nothing else in the world but you think I'm going to consider not having kids because you can't stand the Wiggles?
Don't try to make me feel like I'm the lucky one here because I don't have kids. You want a vacation without the screaming and yelling (and I'm sure I will one day too) but right now I envy you.
I envy that you kiss their boo-boos or tuck them in at night. I envy that you get to pack them a lunch and kiss them bye before school.
I envy that you created a life inside of you and now there is a life running around, screaming, puking on your side of the bed, laughing at nothing, on a sugar high, complaining about chores, taking his first steps, or saying her first words.
You're so effin' lucky...
I'm not saying I need everything the easy way, because that's not fair either...nor realistic. But something that should be so biological and part of our human nature....?? Really? Is this some kind of natural selection? Because not to brag but I am kind of awesome...and Hubs isn't so bad himself. :) lol
I dunno...
Sometimes I look at people's newborn pics or read their blogs or hear about their exciting news and smile though my heart is breaking. Sometimes I play with my kids at work or see the babies come and go and not think much of it.
But then there are days when life is not fair...IF is not effin' fair...and I just lose it. I cry, I wanna scream but I don't, and I feel the need to get it off my chest.
Nothing anyone can say to me will make it any better even though I appreciate that you/they try.
I don't want to think about our other options just yet either though adoption and surrogacy cross my mind from time to time.
I know I am not perfect by any means but my heart's deepest desire is to have a child or children of my own with my husband (of now 4 yrs! yay!). I have soooo much love to give for a child or children.
Who will I give it to?
Love and baby dust,
TheMrs
PS Btw, don't believe Magic 8 balls or consult Google quizzes about pregnancy or when you will get pregnant...
They... do not...work.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Not Much New
Sorry for the lack of updates but there really hasn't been anything going on in the world of IF. I have had 2 appointments for blood work. Strange thing about that was the second one came back with a higher HCG level than the first. Weird.. But still not pregnant.
So now I'm on birth control pills until they tell me to stop. I am assuming that they want me to get a period...it's been awhile. But I will know more on the 15th (provided that work lets me have the afternoon off) at the nurse consultation.
Even if all goes well with me, the little embies might not thaw correctly and then we're back to square one.
We recently dodged a huge bullet with our mortgage/house but that could come crumbling down at any minute too. So we're not out of the woods yet.
So that leaves us with the question....what then??
I will probably update after the next appointment. Sometimes I come on here and think about posting...but at times, it's seriously too depressing.
Plus, I've been on a roller coaster of sickness and really don't come online much anymore.
So followers, please don't take it personally or think I've abandoned you ...I haven't.
Til the next time, good luck, sticky vibes, and baby dust! :)
Please leave a comment and let me know how things are going with you, where you are at with IF, or just to say hi. :)
So now I'm on birth control pills until they tell me to stop. I am assuming that they want me to get a period...it's been awhile. But I will know more on the 15th (provided that work lets me have the afternoon off) at the nurse consultation.
Even if all goes well with me, the little embies might not thaw correctly and then we're back to square one.
We recently dodged a huge bullet with our mortgage/house but that could come crumbling down at any minute too. So we're not out of the woods yet.
So that leaves us with the question....what then??
I will probably update after the next appointment. Sometimes I come on here and think about posting...but at times, it's seriously too depressing.
Plus, I've been on a roller coaster of sickness and really don't come online much anymore.
So followers, please don't take it personally or think I've abandoned you ...I haven't.
Til the next time, good luck, sticky vibes, and baby dust! :)
Please leave a comment and let me know how things are going with you, where you are at with IF, or just to say hi. :)
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