A Hard Pill To Swallow

Initially I planned on a long blog post but I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it. I didn't post in between the transfer and now because I get caught up in my thoughts and then they run away with me.

But I will at least let you know that I am not pregnant. I pretty much knew it since yesterday. I had a gut feeling but I was hoping that I was super wrong and that I would be pleasantly surprised tonight when I checked the computer.

But nope...

And I haven't cried like the last time yet...but it's coming.

I'm seriously starting to lose hope that it will ever happen. Apparently there is more wrong with me than I thought. But we'll see what the next thing is when we talk to the doctor again.


The idea of IVF again doesn't thrill me but I will keep doing it because I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there yet.

My hubs said that we have each other first and some people don't even have that. This is quite true.

But at some point, having a family becomes a very strong need and desire. But no matter how much bed rest you do, or how much you pray or the things you eat or don't eat...there's no guarantee.

I learned the hard way tonight not to have Facebook open while you are checking your pregnancy results. As soon as you see that it's negative, you see on Facebook that someone announced their pregnancy.

Ouch.

So, how am I feeling? Like I'm about to get pranked by the monthly visitor as a reminder that I am not pregnant. Now I get to bleed for a week so I don't forget it.

Periods are good when you are ready to do a cycle and everything but not when you were desperately hoping you were FINALLY with child.

Weight Watchers and 2 weeks off from life may be added into the next round. Hubs mentioned that I'm not supposed to lift more than 15 lbs and I think he was implying that I carry that in my chest....He may be right about that but I don't think that's what they mean. :)

It might not even be until next year because it's already October 3rd and they stop stims in the beginning or so of December so they don't hit the holidays.

With hubby's insurance/working issue, I don't know what's going to happen. Okay, I know I say that every time but it seems to change or have the possibility of changing...so it's true each time.

He's working there for almost a year and not wanting to but doing it so we can try to have a baby.

The financial stuff rests on him and the making the baby stick relies on me. We're in a bit of a pickle because he's not fond of his situation and I'm not having any luck.

But my inner voice told me that I would get through this...somehow. Maybe it's God's way of getting the message to me.

Tonight we went to Outback because we had a free steak coupon and I decided that we should go before we found out. I figured I'd be too much of a mess to eat in public after finding out. Due to traffic, we took a scenic route, and of course there was a sign that said "It's a hard pill to swallow but stay the course."

Coincidence?? Yeah, I don't think so. God knows he's breaking my heart right now but I am going to try and trust in Him that we will have our miracle.

It does get harder and harder to be positive or at least stay positive. It's hard to believe that it may actually work.

I guess as long as we can still keep going, that's what I'm going to do. When we run out of options or insurance, that's when we think about other alternatives.

That also depends on what the doctor thinks too.

Sigh...

Happy Baby Wishes,

TheMrs