Back in Earth's Atmosphere...

Does not writing something make it not true or like it never happened? No...But not writing about something means I can close the door to that messy room and leave it be for awhile. I don't have to look at it or worry about cleaning it. It just gathers dust.

As you may have read from my previous, and short, post...the last IVF attempt didn't work. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Not a shred of me wanted to deal with it by posting all of the gory details.

Sometimes you just don't want to face things.

When I started this blog in 2010 I think, I just found out that I had a hormone imbalance and I would need to see a RE. I didn't know the path that was before me (not that anyone ever does). But I was naive to think that things would click into place and it would all be fine in the end.

It's not the end...so there's still time (and hope) for that. I'm just not sure when, where, or how it's going to be.

Starting on a road like this...you have preconceived notions about how it's going to be...and what it's going to look like. You don't know what is around the corner for doctor visits, tests, and procedures. You're not quite prepared for showing a room full of people your vagina or having strangers stick condom covered, dildo shaped, cameras up your vagina either.

But in the beginning...your goal outweighs the fear and heaviness of anticipation. You want that baby so badly that you will spread eagle and look away because it's all for a common goal.

At this point...I can say that my longing for a child has not diminished at all...I think it's actually stronger than ever. But it's wrapped in a blanket of ....I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe it's cautious optimism...may it's the experience of knowing it may not work...

Maybe it's a bit of pessimism. Whatever it is, it's different. I find myself less likely to openly talk about my troubles unless it is with someone who has gone through the process too. I find people who don't know what I'm going through to be harder to talk to. They don't know the words to say to make them feel like they are saying something helpful and I can't honestly tell them what would make me feel better. There's nothing to say...

It fucking sucks.

So now I'm kind of in limbo with the world of IF...another reason I find it hard to dig deep and reflect.

Basically what happened was this...

Before my IVF, I was on BCPs like normal. I started bleeding DAILY for 3 weeks. I called into the dr's office periodically and was reassured that it was fine and/or it was break-through bleeding. To me, that has NEVER happened...and it should have been looked into more before starting a procedure that's SO important. I'm not a nurse or a dr though...so what do I know?

I started my stims and that seemed to be going very well. Hubs and I got up every day and made it part of our routine. We seemed to be the most on-time and regular than ever before...ironic.

I started doing acupuncture. I did it before the transfer and after plus one time during the dreaded 2ww. But I should have started sooner. My schedule and financial situation didn't allow it. I love my acupuncturist though. She's awesome.

I may have mentioned before (not sure) that she told me the patients she's had that have gone to my doctor...haven't gotten pregnant through his protocols. That, of course, shook me but I was determined to be the exception. She apologized for scaring me but it woke me up. God works in mysterious ways, right? Well, I think part of me meeting her was for her to tell me that. It made me think twice and actually consider getting a second opinion. I was too afraid for whatever reason to look elsewhere...but after all the unsuccessful attempts, I'm not sure I have any other choice.

Anyways....retrieval was okay but not stellar. I talked about it already on here...so let's just get to the rest...

Transfer day was fine. I was good about resting. I did my acupuncture right after. Things seemed to be okay...minus that was only had 1.

Fast forward a week later and I start bleeding. Not spotting...and not severe bleeding, but period-ish bleeding. I know it's the end. I had an acupuncture appt the next day so I went. I told her what was going on and she said she had never heard of it.

Yay, again...I am a medical marvel. *Rolls eyes*

Anyways, she does her thing and that's it.

Fast forward a few more days to my beta test. No surprise...it's negative. Hence, my short post with an unhappy four letter word.

We had a consultation after that (two weeks...I don't remember). He said that I have to lose 20 lbs before he would consider doing treatment again. He's suggested it before but proceeded with the procedures...thus wasting our time and insurance, and number of times that we can even do this...

At this same point in time, we also know that our insurance is actually changing. It's not a maybe or whatever this time. I'm not the girl that cried insurance anymore...the wolf was really there. So that sucks because now we are back to the beginning and without insurance to cover it.

I asked my RE if he would change my protocol and he said there was nothing wrong with it. ?!!!?!!?!?!?!?

It DIDN'T WORK! Yeah, there's something wrong with it!!

But according to him, once I lose the weight, he would do the EXACT same protocol.

Here's my frustration...I don't disagree about losing the weight...but I do disagree about not changing anything or doing more tests. I plan on getting a second opinion when we feel like we can afford to or whatever.

In the meantime, Hubs and I have had some heart to hearts and he REALLY wants a baby. Sometimes I think he's more driven than I am. I guess I just feel more....beaten...or defeated. I really want a baby too...but my hopes and heart have been through a lot.

He's suggested trying to go gluten free. I was good in the beginning of the summer but kinda fell off the wagon a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid of being heart broken again...

Either way, I'm trying again...I did lose a few pounds after I started it. So we'll see...

Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for not responding and being absent for awhile. I couldn't face my feelings or thoughts...and sometimes I find it hard to face other people's successes when all I've done is fail. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the Earth....I just had to walk away for awhile.

Thanks for reading. :)

Happy Baby Wishes,

TheMrs.