2012????!!!! ....What happened to 2011? :)

Happy New Year blogger friends!

I hope your holiday season has been good to you. Now we can all concentrate on paying our bills. lol I actually got some GREAT deals for the holidays but as luck would have it, my bills are still there....and still in need of some TLC. That's what January is for, right? :)

Anyways, I thought I'd reflect on some IF related things from 2011 as well as non-related events....

IF in 2011

*IUI #3  Failed

*IVF #1 Didn't work

*Transfer #1 (2 embies) Didn't stick

Wow, that looks depressing. And I guess it was, to be honest. It also seems like a lot less but there is a LOT that is involved in each process.

We've been taking a break and to be honest, I feel indifferent. Most of the time I'm panicking that our insurance is going to have something bad happen (because that's what happened the other times) but we're okay for now (knock on wood). So I guess the "rush" feeling has declined...and thus my anxiety has also declined.

I can't deny though that there are times I don't know what to feel or think. Or it hits me all at once. Last week or so a friend called me upset that her younger sister was 11 weeks preggo and won't be getting married til the fall of 2012. My friend just got married in the summer and thought she'd be the first to have kids. I totally understand that. After our conversation I saw Christina Perri perform her song, A Thousand Years, for an adoption fundraiser or something on TV (I taped it because I wanted to see Justin Bieber lol). Anyways, I started BAWLING. Part of it was the message of the song, and part of it was the testimonials from foster children of all ages waiting for a home. It's the 3rd thing about adoption that has been said or happened to me recently. We're not opposed to it but we'd like to try all of our other options first. But it does get me to thinking...is this a sign?

I'd like to say that I'm a fairly strong person when it comes to certain things. I can be "youthful"...(my real name even has that as part of its meaning) because I like kid things. Heck, I just got sidetracked with this blog post looking for Batman stuff on Ebay and Amazon. lol I'm totally serious. :)

But I guess part of being strong is knowing that sometimes you have to go through your emotions and not just let them fester and build. I was apparently more emotional for a few days and feelings just came out. Anyways, I can put up a pretty good facade when I need to, but it in the end...it does affect me...whether we're in the middle of treatments or not.

It occurred to me the other day that IF is kinda like a disability. Some people can't see or hear. Some people are missing a limb or have to deal daily with something else. I realize that it is not the same thing...it is only similar in a few ways. I am not comparing myself to a blind or deaf person. However, I do feel like that my infertility does affect my entire life and well-being. Having children with my husband, being a mom, and doing family things together are what I long for....what I desire most.

We've been trying for awhile now with help and without. My husband still remains optimistic, which is HUGELY helpful...but I feel like it is something inside of me that is causing this. It is a part of me...as the lack of sight or hearing is part of other people. I guess I can't really explain it...and I'm not sure those of you not going through IF would really understand...but not being able to have a baby on your own which is a BIOLOGICAL (or supposed to be) ability...feels like a hand I was dealt and therefore something I do not have control over. (holy long run on sentence Batman!)

While others have methods of dealing with their own daily struggles through life, I do have doctors and medicine and procedures to hopefully acquire my dream. So in that sense, I feel that I have a bit of an advantage...and therefore, I can't compare myself totally with those who have many more challenges. I hope no one takes offense to my poorly articulated comparison...or whatever you want to call it.

I told the Hubs that I hope this year we either have our baby or at least get pregnant and are on the way to having our baby(ies). Cross those fingers!

As for non-related events...

*Hubs went on TV

*Family drama

*Started a second job

*Car accident

*Hubs got a new car

*Almost lost our house

*Hubs wrote to Obama about the home loan modification

*(knock on wood) We have our mortgage modification! Thanks to Obama...or at least his staff.

*Best friend got married

*Went to FLORIDA!!!

*Started and quit Nutrisystem (a.k.a Lost 9 and a half lbs but only to gain it back during Christmas lol)

Gosh, I know there was more but I am having a brain fart. lol

Either way, it's hard to paraphrase or summarize 365 days of life. I do find myself acknowledging the blessings I do have in life and trying to focus on that.

I do find happiness in small things and randomly throughout the day, week, or whatever. But I have to say that I am not happy all of the time...I am human. And frankly, another year without a baby does leave a void and a hole in my heart.

We're going to continue to work on feeling better and maybe losing a few pounds before starting again...but I don't know when that will be. We have no timeline and no plan really right now where the IVF stuff is concerned.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel okay and even a little relieved. Other times I feel lost and in need of that peace of mind to hold on to.

For now, knowing that it is at least in the works will have to do. I don't have much of a choice. Either way, I wish you the best in life and your baby journey (if you are currently on one).

Also, CONGRATS (a bit belated) to my friend over at Fertility Frustration on her baby girl born in the beginning of December. :) SO happy for her!!!

Hugs,

TheMrs

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"

-Christina Perri (A Thousand Years)