Updates, Randomness, and WTFs

Hello to those in the blogosphere. It's been awhile. I don't know how many times I wanted to post but something always got in the way. Most likely...it was myself.

Brief Update...

Hubby's/our insurance issue has returned. No surprise there. Literally a few days after telling him that I was ready to start again, he was told that the deal he had with the employer was over. Seems to always happen like that.

I hurt my back really bad and ended up visiting the ER towards the end of January. I was off for a whole week because I had trouble even walking around. That really sucked.

Then of course as soon as I get back to my part time daycare gig, they put me in a room full of toddlers and then two year olds. Yeah, my doctor (I had to do a follow up after the ER) said it could take weeks, even a month before my back was feeling normal again. So it made total sense that my boss threw me in a room with little ones right after the whole ordeal. Ugh. She had also sent me home a week prior to that because I was in so much pain.

I was helping get the tods to sleep one day and I was holding a little girl in the rocking chair (because I couldn't sit next to her like we'd normally do). She was giving me kisses and laying her head on my shoulder. Of course I am super sensitive to that kind of thing. She made my heart melt. Luckily she did fall asleep too. :)

I've always felt like I was born to be a mom. People that know me know how I am with kids and how much I love them. They know how I can be patient (except with Hubs lol) and kind. I like to have fun but still be able to teach right from wrong. I just love kids. Being with children is what I was born to do. I always thought it was teaching in elementary education too...but sometimes (okay a lot of times) I'm not sure that's me anymore.

My third grade teacher was fun and still managed to teach us things. That was about 20 yrs ago...WHOA...just realized that. :) But the world of education has changed a lot. I kind of feel like I've been searching for that prime opportunity where I can be like he was. I don't know if he is still like that to this day. He may even be retired. I think wanting to be that kind of teacher has been a motivator but then somewhat of a hinderance once I got out into the "real world" and got a taste of what it is really like. There's a lot more politics and ass kissing and crap I don't like than I thought there would be. I guess that is me being naive but still....

I found some stuff from when I was a student teacher and some of the notes I had from my cooperating teacher the other day. I feel like I've grown from where I was 6.5 yrs ago (wow that's crazy!) and am better than I was. But even the educator I am now while subbing or working with my school aged children doesn't seem to fit into the real world of teaching.

Maybe it's just my nerves and lack of self confidence talking but I do feel like that is part of why I am reluctant to push harder and harder for a real teaching job.

Food for thought anyways....

IF journey....to continue or to not continue...

As I said before, our insurance situation is back to being a pain in the butt. This is REALLY good insurance though so I'd hate to lose it. It's just another thing added to our pile. I suppose that goes for everyone though...It just stresses Hubby out. He had a good thing going for awhile but they just didn't have enough work for him to do. 

So now we have the question (as always)...do we start IVF again or not...Well, one day it was "yes, let's start" and then a week later it was "well, we'll see" or "depends on how things go" or "get a new job" or "get a new job with insurance". 

Bottom line ...I went to do the initial blood work and ultrasound last Monday (the 13th). I had a cyst that was actually pretty big but Nancy seemed to think I could have ovulated and it was just something that was going to go away. That's usually the case anyways. Getting blood drawn was again...sigh...those poor ladies.

It took 2 people, drinking 2 bottles of water, 5 tries, and at least 30 minutes to get 1 full vial and 2 half or barely full vials. Most people go to those appointments and are done in 15 minutes or less (counting wait time) but not me...I was there for about 40 minutes. Oops.

Those ladies are the best though and we joke around and talk while they are flicking my veins or yelling at me for not drinking any water. I told them "I bet you missed me" or something like that. It's weird but nice to go to a doctor's office and feel like you know people and can joke around with them. 

After ALL of that, I got my results later saying I could start the birth control pills and to do a nurse consultation once our financial clearance went through. So I did start the bcps and we're waiting on the letter. Of course we could end up not even continuing because of the insurance thing. Who knows? 

It's just so frustrating. Early October we were told we could start again at any time but he suggested taking better care of ourselves. If I had known that we would have had 3 whole months of perfect insurance before this crap again, I might have done it then. Granted, the holidays would have been hard, but ugh...I'm so sick of this cycle. 

Then there's the issue of waiting until something else comes around as far as insurance from a new job or whatever. Well, that puts us AT LEAST 3-5 months from now if one of us got a job today. If it was me, then I have to tell a new job that I need days off or to come in late, etc. It's just not a simple solution no matter how you look at it. And sure, we could wait another year or 2 or 3 but we don't want to. We are trying to make it work as best as we can.

I've been looking into doing acupunture as well. I have heard some people say that it really helped. I've talked to 2 people so far...and they were quite different on their methods, cost, how often, etc. So if you have any recommendations or advice on that, please let me know. If we continue with this process, I want to get started in a few weeks.

Side note

One of my new favorite shows is America's Super Nanny. She's AWESOME! And working with children on a daily basis means I need new techniques and insights to discipline, etc. So it's really a helpful tool as well. Sometimes the families are a hot mess...Okay, usually they are. But anyways, she has some really great strategies and I feel like it's informative.

Last night I was catching up on my DVR and watched an episode about a family of 10 kids, mom and dad. The kids are almost a year apart...so I am sure Mom is preggers every year. She was also currently 8 months pregnant during the filming of this with twins! The kids were violent with one another and very hurtful. I cannot even express how ridiculous it was. Anyways...Deborah (aka SuperNanny) comes and observes the first day. The next day she has a meeting with Mom and Dad. She lays it all on the line and even gets pretty stern with them. Pregnant (with twins) Mom says she's sick of her kids. Deborah looks at her like WTF? You have 2 more on the way! etc etc

I started bawling. I am glad this family is blessed with 10 (now 12) children and they are so fertile they can have a baby every year. But it broke my heart that she seemed to be taking it all for granted. Those of us going through IF cannot even fathom having the ability to "just get pregnant" let alone do it every year. And then to say you're SICK of them?!

Okay...I understand as a parent you get frustrated and may feel like you're in a losing battle from time to time I can understand that but she was so straight faced. I kept thinking "do you think those 2 new babies are going to change all that?" Getting pregnant again and again to get a "redo" is what I felt like she was doing. I don't know if that's true but I was just crying my eyes out.

Luckily they seemed to make things better with Deborah's techniques. I just found it so heart breaking that she'd even say that.

I think it's on Lifetime and the story I'm referring to is The Carzell family if you'd like to check it out.

All in all, I'm kind of in a funk. Most of the time I feel like I can't do anything right. First it was being a teacher and then I thought at least I could be a mom (something I've always wanted even more than being a teacher) and I can't even do that. F*ing heart breaking.

Since the failure of the transfer I feel like I've been building up a lot of feelings and it's just now starting to fizz out...sometimes more than others. It looks different too. Sometimes it's buying things I shouldn't. Sometimes it's eating things I shouldn't. Sometimes it is sleeping longer than I should. Sometimes it's getting bitchy at hubby or  it's taking everything he says as a slap in the face. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's a good old fashioned cry. Sometimes it's staring at a computer screen not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's reading a book. Sometimes it's playing on my ipod or Kindle. Sometimes it's getting involved with a friend's sister's baby shower. Sometimes it's writing a blog...

I realize it's not "all over" or "there's nothing I can do". There are things to do or try or whatever. I'm just in a WTF kind of mood and needed to get it out there.

Thanks for reading...

TheMrs.