Sometimes life has a way of smacking you in the face. Things that were important to you are no longer as important. Or things that you didn't think were important are now becoming more important.
It's April 1st and it's been a year since the last IVF cycle started. DH and I have taken a LONG break from fertility. A big reason for that is insurance. We lost our good insurance and now we don't have any at all.
So with knowing that we couldn't do anything, it was easier to take a break. I probably needed it though too...
Time has passed and life have moved on. I am currently super busy and really haven't given it a whole lot of thought.
Well, that was until recently...
I have made it through A LOT of pregnancy announcements or birth announcements lately. I am super proud of myself. I still try to look at these with a positive attitude. However, I went to a baby shower the other day. At first I was just going through the motions of buying a gift, and being happy for the soon-to-be mother....and then it hit me.
I was okay when one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. I was overjoyed actually because I will be an "aunt" :)
I was at a baby store and saw something I just felt she had to have for the baby. I don't know why but I just felt very compelled to buy it for her.
And then it hit me...
DH and I really haven't been doing much in the baby making department. We know it's a long shot to do it naturally but since we don't have insurance, it seems pointless to get our hopes up.
But somehow someone asks me about having kids or reminding me that I will turn 30 this year...
And then it hits me.
I have felt powerless since my last IVF and other fertility treatments. We don't have the financial funds to do it like we did before. The last cycle was weird and we're still childless.
And let's face it...it's not disappointment....it's devastation.
With devastation comes a broken heart.
And then it hits me.
I'm in the car, driving to the station. Now I am wondering if I should or will be able to buy a ticket for the baby train...I know that once I am on it, I'm going to keep going until we are successful.
But I am so scared.
I decided a LONG time ago that we would get a second opinion or even go with another doctor. I'm sorry but after 6 tries with one doctor and no success, it's time to revise the plan.
Without insurance, I'm not sure what we will do...or how...but I think it's time to have our conversation again.
I still don't understand how people get pregnant. I mean, I understand how it's SUPPOSE to happen...but I guess I don't understand why my body doesn't work like that. Of course that worries me that my body will never be able to do it....
But I must have faith. Faith has been a huge part in my ability to cope. For reasons I don't understand, God hasn't granted us children...yet but that doesn't mean He never will.
One day I will hold my baby boy or girl in my arms and whisper "you were worth the wait". Nevermind whispering...I will SHOUT IT for all to hear!!! :) Til then, I am in the "climbing" stage of the obstacle...not quite there yet but not willing to quit.
May God or whomever you believe in guide you through this time of struggle. Trust in Him and find strength in hope.
Best wishes,
TheMrs
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Venting
Hi all....
This is going to be short...
BUT OMGOSH I am about to delete my Facebook page!! Is anyone else experiencing a high volume amount of pregnancy posts lately?
And then the BITCHING about being pregnant?! I'm not saying I won't bitch about some of it but seriously? You're on the second kid and you're bitching about it? Do you know how lucky you are????
Then there's the pregnancy #2, #3, with dad #2 or 3....etc. I find it increasingly hard to take. I will say that I have my good days and bad days. Just had the straw that broke the camel's back I guess.
Even though I don't make my situation hugely public on FB and I don't expect people to walk eggshells around me, that doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone is RUBBING IT IN MY FACE that I am not pregnant or have a baby. Ugh.
Thank you for the love and support. I am sorry this was just a venting post but I will have to come back a different time for more.
To be continued....
TheMrs
This is going to be short...
BUT OMGOSH I am about to delete my Facebook page!! Is anyone else experiencing a high volume amount of pregnancy posts lately?
And then the BITCHING about being pregnant?! I'm not saying I won't bitch about some of it but seriously? You're on the second kid and you're bitching about it? Do you know how lucky you are????
Then there's the pregnancy #2, #3, with dad #2 or 3....etc. I find it increasingly hard to take. I will say that I have my good days and bad days. Just had the straw that broke the camel's back I guess.
Even though I don't make my situation hugely public on FB and I don't expect people to walk eggshells around me, that doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone is RUBBING IT IN MY FACE that I am not pregnant or have a baby. Ugh.
Thank you for the love and support. I am sorry this was just a venting post but I will have to come back a different time for more.
To be continued....
TheMrs
Friday, August 31, 2012
Back in Earth's Atmosphere...
Does not writing something make it not true or like it never happened? No...But not writing about something means I can close the door to that messy room and leave it be for awhile. I don't have to look at it or worry about cleaning it. It just gathers dust.
As you may have read from my previous, and short, post...the last IVF attempt didn't work. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Not a shred of me wanted to deal with it by posting all of the gory details.
Sometimes you just don't want to face things.
When I started this blog in 2010 I think, I just found out that I had a hormone imbalance and I would need to see a RE. I didn't know the path that was before me (not that anyone ever does). But I was naive to think that things would click into place and it would all be fine in the end.
It's not the end...so there's still time (and hope) for that. I'm just not sure when, where, or how it's going to be.
Starting on a road like this...you have preconceived notions about how it's going to be...and what it's going to look like. You don't know what is around the corner for doctor visits, tests, and procedures. You're not quite prepared for showing a room full of people your vagina or having strangers stick condom covered, dildo shaped, cameras up your vagina either.
But in the beginning...your goal outweighs the fear and heaviness of anticipation. You want that baby so badly that you will spread eagle and look away because it's all for a common goal.
At this point...I can say that my longing for a child has not diminished at all...I think it's actually stronger than ever. But it's wrapped in a blanket of ....I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe it's cautious optimism...may it's the experience of knowing it may not work...
Maybe it's a bit of pessimism. Whatever it is, it's different. I find myself less likely to openly talk about my troubles unless it is with someone who has gone through the process too. I find people who don't know what I'm going through to be harder to talk to. They don't know the words to say to make them feel like they are saying something helpful and I can't honestly tell them what would make me feel better. There's nothing to say...
It fucking sucks.
So now I'm kind of in limbo with the world of IF...another reason I find it hard to dig deep and reflect.
Basically what happened was this...
Before my IVF, I was on BCPs like normal. I started bleeding DAILY for 3 weeks. I called into the dr's office periodically and was reassured that it was fine and/or it was break-through bleeding. To me, that has NEVER happened...and it should have been looked into more before starting a procedure that's SO important. I'm not a nurse or a dr though...so what do I know?
I started my stims and that seemed to be going very well. Hubs and I got up every day and made it part of our routine. We seemed to be the most on-time and regular than ever before...ironic.
I started doing acupuncture. I did it before the transfer and after plus one time during the dreaded 2ww. But I should have started sooner. My schedule and financial situation didn't allow it. I love my acupuncturist though. She's awesome.
I may have mentioned before (not sure) that she told me the patients she's had that have gone to my doctor...haven't gotten pregnant through his protocols. That, of course, shook me but I was determined to be the exception. She apologized for scaring me but it woke me up. God works in mysterious ways, right? Well, I think part of me meeting her was for her to tell me that. It made me think twice and actually consider getting a second opinion. I was too afraid for whatever reason to look elsewhere...but after all the unsuccessful attempts, I'm not sure I have any other choice.
Anyways....retrieval was okay but not stellar. I talked about it already on here...so let's just get to the rest...
Transfer day was fine. I was good about resting. I did my acupuncture right after. Things seemed to be okay...minus that was only had 1.
Fast forward a week later and I start bleeding. Not spotting...and not severe bleeding, but period-ish bleeding. I know it's the end. I had an acupuncture appt the next day so I went. I told her what was going on and she said she had never heard of it.
Yay, again...I am a medical marvel. *Rolls eyes*
Anyways, she does her thing and that's it.
Fast forward a few more days to my beta test. No surprise...it's negative. Hence, my short post with an unhappy four letter word.
We had a consultation after that (two weeks...I don't remember). He said that I have to lose 20 lbs before he would consider doing treatment again. He's suggested it before but proceeded with the procedures...thus wasting our time and insurance, and number of times that we can even do this...
At this same point in time, we also know that our insurance is actually changing. It's not a maybe or whatever this time. I'm not the girl that cried insurance anymore...the wolf was really there. So that sucks because now we are back to the beginning and without insurance to cover it.
I asked my RE if he would change my protocol and he said there was nothing wrong with it. ?!!!?!!?!?!?!?
It DIDN'T WORK! Yeah, there's something wrong with it!!
But according to him, once I lose the weight, he would do the EXACT same protocol.
Here's my frustration...I don't disagree about losing the weight...but I do disagree about not changing anything or doing more tests. I plan on getting a second opinion when we feel like we can afford to or whatever.
In the meantime, Hubs and I have had some heart to hearts and he REALLY wants a baby. Sometimes I think he's more driven than I am. I guess I just feel more....beaten...or defeated. I really want a baby too...but my hopes and heart have been through a lot.
He's suggested trying to go gluten free. I was good in the beginning of the summer but kinda fell off the wagon a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid of being heart broken again...
Either way, I'm trying again...I did lose a few pounds after I started it. So we'll see...
Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for not responding and being absent for awhile. I couldn't face my feelings or thoughts...and sometimes I find it hard to face other people's successes when all I've done is fail. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the Earth....I just had to walk away for awhile.
Thanks for reading. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs.
As you may have read from my previous, and short, post...the last IVF attempt didn't work. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Not a shred of me wanted to deal with it by posting all of the gory details.
Sometimes you just don't want to face things.
When I started this blog in 2010 I think, I just found out that I had a hormone imbalance and I would need to see a RE. I didn't know the path that was before me (not that anyone ever does). But I was naive to think that things would click into place and it would all be fine in the end.
It's not the end...so there's still time (and hope) for that. I'm just not sure when, where, or how it's going to be.
Starting on a road like this...you have preconceived notions about how it's going to be...and what it's going to look like. You don't know what is around the corner for doctor visits, tests, and procedures. You're not quite prepared for showing a room full of people your vagina or having strangers stick condom covered, dildo shaped, cameras up your vagina either.
But in the beginning...your goal outweighs the fear and heaviness of anticipation. You want that baby so badly that you will spread eagle and look away because it's all for a common goal.
At this point...I can say that my longing for a child has not diminished at all...I think it's actually stronger than ever. But it's wrapped in a blanket of ....I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe it's cautious optimism...may it's the experience of knowing it may not work...
Maybe it's a bit of pessimism. Whatever it is, it's different. I find myself less likely to openly talk about my troubles unless it is with someone who has gone through the process too. I find people who don't know what I'm going through to be harder to talk to. They don't know the words to say to make them feel like they are saying something helpful and I can't honestly tell them what would make me feel better. There's nothing to say...
It fucking sucks.
So now I'm kind of in limbo with the world of IF...another reason I find it hard to dig deep and reflect.
Basically what happened was this...
Before my IVF, I was on BCPs like normal. I started bleeding DAILY for 3 weeks. I called into the dr's office periodically and was reassured that it was fine and/or it was break-through bleeding. To me, that has NEVER happened...and it should have been looked into more before starting a procedure that's SO important. I'm not a nurse or a dr though...so what do I know?
I started my stims and that seemed to be going very well. Hubs and I got up every day and made it part of our routine. We seemed to be the most on-time and regular than ever before...ironic.
I started doing acupuncture. I did it before the transfer and after plus one time during the dreaded 2ww. But I should have started sooner. My schedule and financial situation didn't allow it. I love my acupuncturist though. She's awesome.
I may have mentioned before (not sure) that she told me the patients she's had that have gone to my doctor...haven't gotten pregnant through his protocols. That, of course, shook me but I was determined to be the exception. She apologized for scaring me but it woke me up. God works in mysterious ways, right? Well, I think part of me meeting her was for her to tell me that. It made me think twice and actually consider getting a second opinion. I was too afraid for whatever reason to look elsewhere...but after all the unsuccessful attempts, I'm not sure I have any other choice.
Anyways....retrieval was okay but not stellar. I talked about it already on here...so let's just get to the rest...
Transfer day was fine. I was good about resting. I did my acupuncture right after. Things seemed to be okay...minus that was only had 1.
Fast forward a week later and I start bleeding. Not spotting...and not severe bleeding, but period-ish bleeding. I know it's the end. I had an acupuncture appt the next day so I went. I told her what was going on and she said she had never heard of it.
Yay, again...I am a medical marvel. *Rolls eyes*
Anyways, she does her thing and that's it.
Fast forward a few more days to my beta test. No surprise...it's negative. Hence, my short post with an unhappy four letter word.
We had a consultation after that (two weeks...I don't remember). He said that I have to lose 20 lbs before he would consider doing treatment again. He's suggested it before but proceeded with the procedures...thus wasting our time and insurance, and number of times that we can even do this...
At this same point in time, we also know that our insurance is actually changing. It's not a maybe or whatever this time. I'm not the girl that cried insurance anymore...the wolf was really there. So that sucks because now we are back to the beginning and without insurance to cover it.
I asked my RE if he would change my protocol and he said there was nothing wrong with it. ?!!!?!!?!?!?!?
It DIDN'T WORK! Yeah, there's something wrong with it!!
But according to him, once I lose the weight, he would do the EXACT same protocol.
Here's my frustration...I don't disagree about losing the weight...but I do disagree about not changing anything or doing more tests. I plan on getting a second opinion when we feel like we can afford to or whatever.
In the meantime, Hubs and I have had some heart to hearts and he REALLY wants a baby. Sometimes I think he's more driven than I am. I guess I just feel more....beaten...or defeated. I really want a baby too...but my hopes and heart have been through a lot.
He's suggested trying to go gluten free. I was good in the beginning of the summer but kinda fell off the wagon a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid of being heart broken again...
Either way, I'm trying again...I did lose a few pounds after I started it. So we'll see...
Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for not responding and being absent for awhile. I couldn't face my feelings or thoughts...and sometimes I find it hard to face other people's successes when all I've done is fail. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the Earth....I just had to walk away for awhile.
Thanks for reading. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Vagina Translator
Hubby and I have come to a new understanding...and I call it "The Vagina Translator". This started because my lovely hubs said something that definitely could have been taken the wrong way but he claims that he didn't mean it that way.
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
Idle Minds ....Think Stupid Things
I was pretty good last week with taking it easy. I wasn't on strict bed rest or anything but definitely took things easily. I ignored most of the cleaning that needs to be done, took myself to the movies, tried to distract myself with catching up with my DVR, and slept.
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Chuck Norris is in My Uterus
Well today was the big, big, big day (Hunger Games reference).
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
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