Sometimes life has a way of smacking you in the face. Things that were important to you are no longer as important. Or things that you didn't think were important are now becoming more important.
It's April 1st and it's been a year since the last IVF cycle started. DH and I have taken a LONG break from fertility. A big reason for that is insurance. We lost our good insurance and now we don't have any at all.
So with knowing that we couldn't do anything, it was easier to take a break. I probably needed it though too...
Time has passed and life have moved on. I am currently super busy and really haven't given it a whole lot of thought.
Well, that was until recently...
I have made it through A LOT of pregnancy announcements or birth announcements lately. I am super proud of myself. I still try to look at these with a positive attitude. However, I went to a baby shower the other day. At first I was just going through the motions of buying a gift, and being happy for the soon-to-be mother....and then it hit me.
I was okay when one of my best friends told me she was pregnant. I was overjoyed actually because I will be an "aunt" :)
I was at a baby store and saw something I just felt she had to have for the baby. I don't know why but I just felt very compelled to buy it for her.
And then it hit me...
DH and I really haven't been doing much in the baby making department. We know it's a long shot to do it naturally but since we don't have insurance, it seems pointless to get our hopes up.
But somehow someone asks me about having kids or reminding me that I will turn 30 this year...
And then it hits me.
I have felt powerless since my last IVF and other fertility treatments. We don't have the financial funds to do it like we did before. The last cycle was weird and we're still childless.
And let's face it...it's not disappointment....it's devastation.
With devastation comes a broken heart.
And then it hits me.
I'm in the car, driving to the station. Now I am wondering if I should or will be able to buy a ticket for the baby train...I know that once I am on it, I'm going to keep going until we are successful.
But I am so scared.
I decided a LONG time ago that we would get a second opinion or even go with another doctor. I'm sorry but after 6 tries with one doctor and no success, it's time to revise the plan.
Without insurance, I'm not sure what we will do...or how...but I think it's time to have our conversation again.
I still don't understand how people get pregnant. I mean, I understand how it's SUPPOSE to happen...but I guess I don't understand why my body doesn't work like that. Of course that worries me that my body will never be able to do it....
But I must have faith. Faith has been a huge part in my ability to cope. For reasons I don't understand, God hasn't granted us children...yet but that doesn't mean He never will.
One day I will hold my baby boy or girl in my arms and whisper "you were worth the wait". Nevermind whispering...I will SHOUT IT for all to hear!!! :) Til then, I am in the "climbing" stage of the obstacle...not quite there yet but not willing to quit.
May God or whomever you believe in guide you through this time of struggle. Trust in Him and find strength in hope.
Best wishes,
TheMrs
