OK...I need to rant a little....
It's not effing fair. Why do certain people get to have beautiful babies and we don't???
Why do some babies have problems and some are totally fine?
Why do I have a hormonal imbalance that makes it hard to get pregnant??
When will DH and I have our miracle babies?!
Will I ever be able to post pictures of my darling babies for all to oooh and awww at?
Kids are messy, and expensive. They drain your energy and don't allow you to sleep. They talk back or poop on you...but I WANT THAT!
I want a family...
I didn't think it would be so hard. Some people just make it look so frickin' easy. Some people talk about it like it's GOING to happen and they know for sure.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but I still don't get why WE have to suffer when we are perfectly good parents?
And then I wonder...maybe we're not good enough. But then I think about some of the people who do have kids...and I hate to judge...but I think we'd be better parents than those people.
But maybe not.
Why can't we make love to each other instead of conceiving with a cup or syringe and have a handful of doctors make the magic happen (which hasn't happened yet)?
It's not fair that I revolve my life around kids and I see them every day. Heck, they are almost always the reason why I am constantly sick...
But life's cruel joke is that I can't have my own?
I do hope we can...eventually we will get there. I have to keep believing that. And that child or those children that are brought into this world will have a purpose for being just as they are. God wants a special person or people for us to raise...I know they will be worth the wait.
I'm just not the most patient person....
Filing paperwork at work the other day even made me think about my kids. I kept thinking that I want someone to take to get a physical for school (and get back to school supplies!!) and sign papers that say I'm his or her mom and they are my son or daughter. I want a file at school that says his or her name. I want a cubby or a desk with their name on it. I want a teacher to say hi "so and so". I want them to cry when I leave but then be okay or run to me when I pick them up.
People take their children for granted sometimes. I know I will complain about mine too if I am blessed enough to have one or however many. I know I will...because I am human. But I will love them still.
Even when they poop on the carpet. lol
I just don't like when people tell me about how kids aren't good to have because of this or that. Really? You would do ANYTHING for them but you tell me I shouldn't have them because they trash your house? Or steal your money? Or eat you out of house and home? Or they are noisy? These are not deal breakers to me...
They are the love of your life and you couldn't ask for anything more but then you say they ruined your body and sex life or ability to have any vehicle other than a minivan.
Oh please.
You say that the love you have for them and them for you is nothing else in the world but you think I'm going to consider not having kids because you can't stand the Wiggles?
Don't try to make me feel like I'm the lucky one here because I don't have kids. You want a vacation without the screaming and yelling (and I'm sure I will one day too) but right now I envy you.
I envy that you kiss their boo-boos or tuck them in at night. I envy that you get to pack them a lunch and kiss them bye before school.
I envy that you created a life inside of you and now there is a life running around, screaming, puking on your side of the bed, laughing at nothing, on a sugar high, complaining about chores, taking his first steps, or saying her first words.
You're so effin' lucky...
I'm not saying I need everything the easy way, because that's not fair either...nor realistic. But something that should be so biological and part of our human nature....?? Really? Is this some kind of natural selection? Because not to brag but I am kind of awesome...and Hubs isn't so bad himself. :) lol
I dunno...
Sometimes I look at people's newborn pics or read their blogs or hear about their exciting news and smile though my heart is breaking. Sometimes I play with my kids at work or see the babies come and go and not think much of it.
But then there are days when life is not fair...IF is not effin' fair...and I just lose it. I cry, I wanna scream but I don't, and I feel the need to get it off my chest.
Nothing anyone can say to me will make it any better even though I appreciate that you/they try.
I don't want to think about our other options just yet either though adoption and surrogacy cross my mind from time to time.
I know I am not perfect by any means but my heart's deepest desire is to have a child or children of my own with my husband (of now 4 yrs! yay!). I have soooo much love to give for a child or children.
Who will I give it to?
Love and baby dust,
TheMrs
PS Btw, don't believe Magic 8 balls or consult Google quizzes about pregnancy or when you will get pregnant...
They... do not...work.
I totally understand how you feel. It can be so frustrating. I have a cousin who has not had a job in so long that I can not remember the last time he worked. His wife is a heroin addict. Both of them have been in trouble with the law several times, and they have two children. I don't like to judge either, but I KNOW we would be better parents than the two of them. The mom is so high most of the time that she would not know if their mobile home caught fire... I also have to look at baby announcements and pregnancy announcements nearly every day on FB. It seems as if everyone has timed their pregnancies just right so that I either have to look at the announcement, "we are pregnant!" or "We had a baby girl/boy" nearly every other day. I am exhausted by it all. My DH and I have been trying for over 5 years. We have had a failed IVF. It is so frustrating and I have my days where I am a complete mess and crying about it all. I have you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that our time comes soon. I want all of the same things that you want. Good luck and may God bring you some peace on the days that you need it most.
ReplyDeleteOh Honey!! This is perfect! This is well written and pretty much sums up how I felt before the miracle of IVF. It doesn't make sense. It isn't fair. Why do nice people who have everything to offer children have trouble conceiving and the crack heads and abusers make it look so easy?
ReplyDeleteA co worker of my husband's just accidentally "knocked up" his girlfriend. They're not sure if they're going to keep the baby or what the future plans are. My initial response...STUPID EFFING FERTILES!!! They don't understand what a blessing it is to just accidentally get pregnant. What I wouldn't have given for that to have happened to me 10 years ago! Or heck 5 years ago! It's so not fair!
Thank you for sharing this as you really did capture all the feelings I have. And even though we're pregnant via IVF, I'm still super sensitive to pregnancy announcements and people who say things like "enjoy your free time" or "are you sure you want kids?" or "you're so lucky you get to sleep in on the weekends..." I just want to slap those people.
On vaca in a house with a 13, 10, 7 year old boys and a 4 and 16month old girls, I reveled in the early wake up calls, the fighting, the crying, the tantrums, and potty accidents. I was actually jealous of my brother and sister.
You're not alone and thank you for being a voice for all of us!!
Frau Hill, thank you so much for your support and understanding. It IS very frustrating when people who seemingly have NO business having children, have so many and so easily. Our life isn't perfect by any means but we at least want children and want to care for them. I feel for you too because, as you know, we've been in the similar boat. I pray that God helps you in those times as well as the good ones. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteSLESE--Thanks! I'm glad I can be a voice for someone other than myself. A lot of times I'm not even a voice for myself...I choose not to think about it or not to talk or write about it. Sometimes it is too hard.
I'm so glad you're in a great place right now. I hope that one day (hopefully soon) we are also in that happy to be pregnant phase. Like you, I don't think my twinges of sensitivity to announcements and such will just go away. That will probably always be there.
I can't believe they would think about getting rid of the baby when they are adults and can rightfully take that baby. I know someone who would adopt though (me). :) But yeah, that's pretty sad and of course a little bit of a stab to us who don't have that "luxury" to get "knocked up".
I get jealous of things like that too. I find kids "annoying" sometimes...don't get me wrong but I would rather be annoyed than never annoyed. Does that make sense? lol
Again, thanks to both of you! I appreciate it.