What a title huh? :) Let me explain...
Hormones...are mean.. Well, it's more like I'm me an when I'm messing with my hormones. I actually tried to explain this to my hubs recently. I hadn't had my period yet but he claimed I was cranky so it was probably coming. I told him that he needs to realize this (because he clearly doesn't) and not push me everytime I walk in the door. He doesn't physically push me but he bugs me about certain things. Sometimes he tries to be funny but I am obviously not feeling it but he continues on and on anyways.
So I said that you wouldn't approach a tiger when its hungry or angry. Sometimes I'm the tiger. No surprise but no response to that one (it was via text). It's just common sense.
I do make a point though, right? A tiger can't change its stripes and I can't change my mood sometimes. Sure, I can try and I do make an effort. However, a tiger can only be poke so much before it bites...or at least make an intimidating roar or growl.
On Wednesday, I finally saw what appeared to be a period and the cramps are a clue that it is definitely here. So, hopefully hubs will take a hint and all will be good.
This period has been a little weird. Just when I thought it was tapering off, it started back full force yesterday. TMI warning...but it was a little "clotty". Sorry...just not sure if that means anything or not.
Moving on...to fried chicken.
One bonus of bcps and/or not having your period for awhile is NO ZITS! Now that I'm off them, it was as if a colony of pilgrims came to my face and decided to settle there.
I got a lot right away but the under the skin kind that kinda hurts a little. Well, you can feel them and its just uncomfortable. Luckily, I got burnt the other day and I think that it helped a little. Perhaps they can go off and settle on someone else's face. lol
However, the night after getting them is NOT a good time to eat fried chicken! I think all of the grease went to my face. Sigh...but my hormones/ body wanted fried chicken because it has been so long. A catch 22 it was.
Ex-boyfriends....
You may need a little backstory for this one...
In middle school, there was a boy who liked me and pursued me for the whole 3 yrs, every day. Yes, a little stalkerish. lol
In high schol, this same boy continued to pursue me except he actually attempted to date other girls when I told him no (and I was dating someone else-REALLY long story there). Anyways, eventually we did go out and we also went to ALL of the high school dances together (sometimes as friends and sometimes while dating). He was my first for many things. We were...how do I put this...stupidly in love. But all was not roses. He lied a LOT and his dysfunctional relationship with his parents even landed him in a tent next to my parents' house for a weekend. His family lived 3 houtses behind mine. Anyways, he slept in a tent because my parents weren't stupid (they probably knew things were going on) and wouldn't let him stay in the house. This makes me laugh now...Maybe you had to be there. lol
Anyways, after 4 yrs of a roller coaster relationship, we broke up. Well, he told me he had slept with someone else. He had cheated and I wasn't surprised. After his uncle died in 2003, he was a different person. He did drugs and alcohol. He asked me for money (which yes, I gave him...), got put in jail for shoplifting at Walmart...which I bailed him out, and he showed up at my dorm room once with hickies all over his neck...and not from me.
So that was 2004. A few years later his girlfriend at the time (who he cheated on me with) contacted me via AIM. Does anyone even use that anymore?? I don't know why she wanted to talk to me but unfortunately he jumped on the computer at one point and was really nasty to me. That was the last time I remember hearing from him. That was maybe 2006.
His sister (the nicest one) is still on my Facebook (because I'm crazy I guess). And I still talk to the girlfriend that IMed me all those years ago (who has married and divorced him) on Facebook too. I know, I know...that's just crazy. But she was cheated on too (big shocker) but (un)fortunately, a child was created from that.
Now he's with some older lady that has 2 teenage children and a 13 month old (who is adorable).
Life is so fair, isn't it?
My point I was getting to was...
About a week ago I came home from doing a craft show with my mom and her friend. I found a note on my car. Guess who it was from? Yeah. Wow. After being broken up since 2004, and last hearing from him around 2006, I was beside myself.
I then found out from my dad (because I was at their house) that he actually came to the DOOR looking for me. Despite that my car was there, I was not. THANKFULLY.
Needless to say I freaked out a little. Wouldn't you? What could he have to say?? His note said he just wanted to say hi and it mentioned that he was at his parents' house for the night.
Yeah, like I'd go over there. I'd pass the spot in the concrete where we wrote our initials. No thanks. There was also the whole talking to him thing too. lol
One of my friends said I should talk to him though to see what he has to say. At first, I thought absolutely not! He crushed me. And just the night before all of this, I happened to reread a poem I wrote about how he saved my life when he had walked out of it.
That Monday came and went without much thought about it. But then the other night I stumbled on some pictures from his sister's wedding. I saw him with his son. Weird because it was hard to see to him as a dad but cute. No flutteries though but I know I will always have some good and bad feelings towards him.
So maybe I should talk to him if the opportunity presents itself? Maybe he has changed. Maybe not. But that has to take balls to show up after 5 yrs. Plus, I think God promotes forgiveness more than hate. I'm tired of feeling that way about him. Not hate, but true dislike and betrayal....mixed with residual feelings from the good times. Let's face it...I'd like to tell him a few things too.
My dad said that no martter what happened between us, I was still a good friend to him. That's true. My friends and family are happy I didn't stay with him but for my dad to say that, it got me thinking.
I could be the better person. I usually have in our situation. I don't plan on pursuing this or making an effort. If he tried again to talk to me, do I respond?
Maybe I'll be less paranoid and more willing to be receptive should he contact me again. Neither one of our parents seems to be moving, so he will always be right there when he's visiting. It could be another 5 years too.
Then again, it could all just be my hormones talking. :)
Whew...that was long. Thanks for reading!!
Happy Baby Wishes,
The Mrs
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Frozen Embryo Daycare
My future babies are in daycare right now. We have custody of them and we have to sign release papers to let them out. We pay tuition and even a meal plan. Okay, maybe not a meal plan, but it is funny to think they are in some "daycare" ready to be thawed and transferred to their new home...my uterus.
This is not something I thought I'd ever be doing. It was always something you heard about on the news because someone messed up (thanks Mom for bringing THAT up). But it was always someone else's story and here I'm finding out that it is mine too. Well, at least part of it.
What do you tell your kids? Do you tell them how they came to be? I know we're okay with it. I hope my family and friends are okay with it...but will they be okay with it?
Perhaps it won't come up. :)
At least not until they are passed 40yrs old. Maybe then we will let them date AND tell them about how they came into this world.
Um...no...maybe 50. :)
Truth is, it doesn't really matter...especially at this point. We've been through so much and frankly they can come so many different ways.
We went to the nurse consultation on Monday to get our timeline (which is kinda vague) and some instructions on this cycle.
FYI...IVF has a TON more shots and meds but is a bit faster. FET cycles are less meds but take much longer to get through.
Oh and by the way, I'm expecting a period in the next day or two that has been waiting to emerge from its cocoon since the end of May.
HOLY CRAZY LADY!!! My hubs has already heard its wrath a little lately. Yikes. And the lava flow (sorry for the TMI) is expected to be a doozy.
You may want to evacuate now.
:)
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...we were getting out of the car when my hubby said "Let's make a baby this time, okay?"
"Yes. 2 or 3 or 7. I don't care anymore." Well...something to that affect was my reply.
It was cute. The previous day we were having lunch and he said randomly that he is going to have a hard time making conversation with our kids.
See...I am fluent in some kid language. At some ages, NO one can understand what they are saying but you smile and nod anyways. lol
I teach, babysit, and have been doing camp this summer. I watch kid shows and do kid type things now and then. I am quite in touch with my inner tween. lol
So I feel like I can make a lot of conversation with slightly older children. Babies and toddlers just beginning to speak...well, that's a challenge to anyone with ears. Or sometimes only the parents of the child know what the heck they want.
But that's a challenge I look forward to...and obviously something my hubby thinks about.
While he definitely wants children, even more so now than before, he still sees the financial part that is kicking us in the butt. Literally. lol
We have GREAT insurance now but it's because he works for nothing except insurance pretty much. Long story there.
Anyways, he needs money for things like food, our mortgage, and other bills. So it's hard right now because we are relying on having this insurance to have children...the non-old fashioned way.
So if our snow omelets don't make it...then it could be months or years until we are able to do another retrieval.
Anyways, I am trying to remain hopeful even though the doubt is there...It is always there.
So here we go...Lupron shots started Wednesday. Birth control pills stopped last night (Fri). I keep doing Lupron until August 31. I go in for ultrasound and blood work.
Then I will start Estrace most likely around that time and continue a lower dose of Lupron, After the transfer (which I will have a week's heads up about) I think I start the progesterone oil and Crinone gel (aka tampon of goo). I could be missing something in there or slightly off with something but I'm getting tired. :P
Either way, that is my update. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. Take care!
Happy Baby wishes,
TheMrs
This is not something I thought I'd ever be doing. It was always something you heard about on the news because someone messed up (thanks Mom for bringing THAT up). But it was always someone else's story and here I'm finding out that it is mine too. Well, at least part of it.
What do you tell your kids? Do you tell them how they came to be? I know we're okay with it. I hope my family and friends are okay with it...but will they be okay with it?
Perhaps it won't come up. :)
At least not until they are passed 40yrs old. Maybe then we will let them date AND tell them about how they came into this world.
Um...no...maybe 50. :)
Truth is, it doesn't really matter...especially at this point. We've been through so much and frankly they can come so many different ways.
We went to the nurse consultation on Monday to get our timeline (which is kinda vague) and some instructions on this cycle.
FYI...IVF has a TON more shots and meds but is a bit faster. FET cycles are less meds but take much longer to get through.
Oh and by the way, I'm expecting a period in the next day or two that has been waiting to emerge from its cocoon since the end of May.
HOLY CRAZY LADY!!! My hubs has already heard its wrath a little lately. Yikes. And the lava flow (sorry for the TMI) is expected to be a doozy.
You may want to evacuate now.
:)
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...we were getting out of the car when my hubby said "Let's make a baby this time, okay?"
"Yes. 2 or 3 or 7. I don't care anymore." Well...something to that affect was my reply.
It was cute. The previous day we were having lunch and he said randomly that he is going to have a hard time making conversation with our kids.
See...I am fluent in some kid language. At some ages, NO one can understand what they are saying but you smile and nod anyways. lol
I teach, babysit, and have been doing camp this summer. I watch kid shows and do kid type things now and then. I am quite in touch with my inner tween. lol
So I feel like I can make a lot of conversation with slightly older children. Babies and toddlers just beginning to speak...well, that's a challenge to anyone with ears. Or sometimes only the parents of the child know what the heck they want.
But that's a challenge I look forward to...and obviously something my hubby thinks about.
While he definitely wants children, even more so now than before, he still sees the financial part that is kicking us in the butt. Literally. lol
We have GREAT insurance now but it's because he works for nothing except insurance pretty much. Long story there.
Anyways, he needs money for things like food, our mortgage, and other bills. So it's hard right now because we are relying on having this insurance to have children...the non-old fashioned way.
So if our snow omelets don't make it...then it could be months or years until we are able to do another retrieval.
Anyways, I am trying to remain hopeful even though the doubt is there...It is always there.
So here we go...Lupron shots started Wednesday. Birth control pills stopped last night (Fri). I keep doing Lupron until August 31. I go in for ultrasound and blood work.
Then I will start Estrace most likely around that time and continue a lower dose of Lupron, After the transfer (which I will have a week's heads up about) I think I start the progesterone oil and Crinone gel (aka tampon of goo). I could be missing something in there or slightly off with something but I'm getting tired. :P
Either way, that is my update. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend. Take care!
Happy Baby wishes,
TheMrs
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
It's Not Effin' Fair
OK...I need to rant a little....
It's not effing fair. Why do certain people get to have beautiful babies and we don't???
Why do some babies have problems and some are totally fine?
Why do I have a hormonal imbalance that makes it hard to get pregnant??
When will DH and I have our miracle babies?!
Will I ever be able to post pictures of my darling babies for all to oooh and awww at?
Kids are messy, and expensive. They drain your energy and don't allow you to sleep. They talk back or poop on you...but I WANT THAT!
I want a family...
I didn't think it would be so hard. Some people just make it look so frickin' easy. Some people talk about it like it's GOING to happen and they know for sure.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but I still don't get why WE have to suffer when we are perfectly good parents?
And then I wonder...maybe we're not good enough. But then I think about some of the people who do have kids...and I hate to judge...but I think we'd be better parents than those people.
But maybe not.
Why can't we make love to each other instead of conceiving with a cup or syringe and have a handful of doctors make the magic happen (which hasn't happened yet)?
It's not fair that I revolve my life around kids and I see them every day. Heck, they are almost always the reason why I am constantly sick...
But life's cruel joke is that I can't have my own?
I do hope we can...eventually we will get there. I have to keep believing that. And that child or those children that are brought into this world will have a purpose for being just as they are. God wants a special person or people for us to raise...I know they will be worth the wait.
I'm just not the most patient person....
Filing paperwork at work the other day even made me think about my kids. I kept thinking that I want someone to take to get a physical for school (and get back to school supplies!!) and sign papers that say I'm his or her mom and they are my son or daughter. I want a file at school that says his or her name. I want a cubby or a desk with their name on it. I want a teacher to say hi "so and so". I want them to cry when I leave but then be okay or run to me when I pick them up.
People take their children for granted sometimes. I know I will complain about mine too if I am blessed enough to have one or however many. I know I will...because I am human. But I will love them still.
Even when they poop on the carpet. lol
I just don't like when people tell me about how kids aren't good to have because of this or that. Really? You would do ANYTHING for them but you tell me I shouldn't have them because they trash your house? Or steal your money? Or eat you out of house and home? Or they are noisy? These are not deal breakers to me...
They are the love of your life and you couldn't ask for anything more but then you say they ruined your body and sex life or ability to have any vehicle other than a minivan.
Oh please.
You say that the love you have for them and them for you is nothing else in the world but you think I'm going to consider not having kids because you can't stand the Wiggles?
Don't try to make me feel like I'm the lucky one here because I don't have kids. You want a vacation without the screaming and yelling (and I'm sure I will one day too) but right now I envy you.
I envy that you kiss their boo-boos or tuck them in at night. I envy that you get to pack them a lunch and kiss them bye before school.
I envy that you created a life inside of you and now there is a life running around, screaming, puking on your side of the bed, laughing at nothing, on a sugar high, complaining about chores, taking his first steps, or saying her first words.
You're so effin' lucky...
I'm not saying I need everything the easy way, because that's not fair either...nor realistic. But something that should be so biological and part of our human nature....?? Really? Is this some kind of natural selection? Because not to brag but I am kind of awesome...and Hubs isn't so bad himself. :) lol
I dunno...
Sometimes I look at people's newborn pics or read their blogs or hear about their exciting news and smile though my heart is breaking. Sometimes I play with my kids at work or see the babies come and go and not think much of it.
But then there are days when life is not fair...IF is not effin' fair...and I just lose it. I cry, I wanna scream but I don't, and I feel the need to get it off my chest.
Nothing anyone can say to me will make it any better even though I appreciate that you/they try.
I don't want to think about our other options just yet either though adoption and surrogacy cross my mind from time to time.
I know I am not perfect by any means but my heart's deepest desire is to have a child or children of my own with my husband (of now 4 yrs! yay!). I have soooo much love to give for a child or children.
Who will I give it to?
Love and baby dust,
TheMrs
PS Btw, don't believe Magic 8 balls or consult Google quizzes about pregnancy or when you will get pregnant...
They... do not...work.
It's not effing fair. Why do certain people get to have beautiful babies and we don't???
Why do some babies have problems and some are totally fine?
Why do I have a hormonal imbalance that makes it hard to get pregnant??
When will DH and I have our miracle babies?!
Will I ever be able to post pictures of my darling babies for all to oooh and awww at?
Kids are messy, and expensive. They drain your energy and don't allow you to sleep. They talk back or poop on you...but I WANT THAT!
I want a family...
I didn't think it would be so hard. Some people just make it look so frickin' easy. Some people talk about it like it's GOING to happen and they know for sure.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but I still don't get why WE have to suffer when we are perfectly good parents?
And then I wonder...maybe we're not good enough. But then I think about some of the people who do have kids...and I hate to judge...but I think we'd be better parents than those people.
But maybe not.
Why can't we make love to each other instead of conceiving with a cup or syringe and have a handful of doctors make the magic happen (which hasn't happened yet)?
It's not fair that I revolve my life around kids and I see them every day. Heck, they are almost always the reason why I am constantly sick...
But life's cruel joke is that I can't have my own?
I do hope we can...eventually we will get there. I have to keep believing that. And that child or those children that are brought into this world will have a purpose for being just as they are. God wants a special person or people for us to raise...I know they will be worth the wait.
I'm just not the most patient person....
Filing paperwork at work the other day even made me think about my kids. I kept thinking that I want someone to take to get a physical for school (and get back to school supplies!!) and sign papers that say I'm his or her mom and they are my son or daughter. I want a file at school that says his or her name. I want a cubby or a desk with their name on it. I want a teacher to say hi "so and so". I want them to cry when I leave but then be okay or run to me when I pick them up.
People take their children for granted sometimes. I know I will complain about mine too if I am blessed enough to have one or however many. I know I will...because I am human. But I will love them still.
Even when they poop on the carpet. lol
I just don't like when people tell me about how kids aren't good to have because of this or that. Really? You would do ANYTHING for them but you tell me I shouldn't have them because they trash your house? Or steal your money? Or eat you out of house and home? Or they are noisy? These are not deal breakers to me...
They are the love of your life and you couldn't ask for anything more but then you say they ruined your body and sex life or ability to have any vehicle other than a minivan.
Oh please.
You say that the love you have for them and them for you is nothing else in the world but you think I'm going to consider not having kids because you can't stand the Wiggles?
Don't try to make me feel like I'm the lucky one here because I don't have kids. You want a vacation without the screaming and yelling (and I'm sure I will one day too) but right now I envy you.
I envy that you kiss their boo-boos or tuck them in at night. I envy that you get to pack them a lunch and kiss them bye before school.
I envy that you created a life inside of you and now there is a life running around, screaming, puking on your side of the bed, laughing at nothing, on a sugar high, complaining about chores, taking his first steps, or saying her first words.
You're so effin' lucky...
I'm not saying I need everything the easy way, because that's not fair either...nor realistic. But something that should be so biological and part of our human nature....?? Really? Is this some kind of natural selection? Because not to brag but I am kind of awesome...and Hubs isn't so bad himself. :) lol
I dunno...
Sometimes I look at people's newborn pics or read their blogs or hear about their exciting news and smile though my heart is breaking. Sometimes I play with my kids at work or see the babies come and go and not think much of it.
But then there are days when life is not fair...IF is not effin' fair...and I just lose it. I cry, I wanna scream but I don't, and I feel the need to get it off my chest.
Nothing anyone can say to me will make it any better even though I appreciate that you/they try.
I don't want to think about our other options just yet either though adoption and surrogacy cross my mind from time to time.
I know I am not perfect by any means but my heart's deepest desire is to have a child or children of my own with my husband (of now 4 yrs! yay!). I have soooo much love to give for a child or children.
Who will I give it to?
Love and baby dust,
TheMrs
PS Btw, don't believe Magic 8 balls or consult Google quizzes about pregnancy or when you will get pregnant...
They... do not...work.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Not Much New
Sorry for the lack of updates but there really hasn't been anything going on in the world of IF. I have had 2 appointments for blood work. Strange thing about that was the second one came back with a higher HCG level than the first. Weird.. But still not pregnant.
So now I'm on birth control pills until they tell me to stop. I am assuming that they want me to get a period...it's been awhile. But I will know more on the 15th (provided that work lets me have the afternoon off) at the nurse consultation.
Even if all goes well with me, the little embies might not thaw correctly and then we're back to square one.
We recently dodged a huge bullet with our mortgage/house but that could come crumbling down at any minute too. So we're not out of the woods yet.
So that leaves us with the question....what then??
I will probably update after the next appointment. Sometimes I come on here and think about posting...but at times, it's seriously too depressing.
Plus, I've been on a roller coaster of sickness and really don't come online much anymore.
So followers, please don't take it personally or think I've abandoned you ...I haven't.
Til the next time, good luck, sticky vibes, and baby dust! :)
Please leave a comment and let me know how things are going with you, where you are at with IF, or just to say hi. :)
So now I'm on birth control pills until they tell me to stop. I am assuming that they want me to get a period...it's been awhile. But I will know more on the 15th (provided that work lets me have the afternoon off) at the nurse consultation.
Even if all goes well with me, the little embies might not thaw correctly and then we're back to square one.
We recently dodged a huge bullet with our mortgage/house but that could come crumbling down at any minute too. So we're not out of the woods yet.
So that leaves us with the question....what then??
I will probably update after the next appointment. Sometimes I come on here and think about posting...but at times, it's seriously too depressing.
Plus, I've been on a roller coaster of sickness and really don't come online much anymore.
So followers, please don't take it personally or think I've abandoned you ...I haven't.
Til the next time, good luck, sticky vibes, and baby dust! :)
Please leave a comment and let me know how things are going with you, where you are at with IF, or just to say hi. :)
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