Quit Playing Games With My Heart

If you know me personally...the subject line should make you laugh, because it's the title of my FAVORITE song of all time...and it's by the Backstreet Boys.

If you don't know me personally...and even if you do....let me explain. This song title basically describes the last 3 days. I was waiting to update after today for certain reasons...and it seems I'm still being reeled in by potential hope.

Wow that was probably horribly confusing for you. Let me start with Monday....

Monday was my dad's birthday and I had rehearsed 90 ways of telling him he was going to be a grandpa. Well, the positive part of me was thinking that. The other side...the more realistic one was preparing for not-so-good news.

Well, it seems that neither are correct or incorrect.

My HCG level was low, 10, but it was positive. So good sign but nothing to get too excited about yet.

Then I was told I had to come in on Wednesday again...to see if it was rising. Rising is good...and it should double or so within  30 hrs (ish).

This is why I have attempted to avoid conversations about this because frankly it's hard enough to type...

I have been experiencing period like flow or worse since Monday night. Seems like a cruel joke to find out I'm technically pregnant only to start bleeding a few hours later. At first it was spotting and didn't bother me too much...

But then pain and more bleeding came on Tuesday and today, Wednesday.

Another reason why I hesitated to mention anything.

BTW, my mind's voice has a British accent tonight for some reason....it's weird typing this and thinking with a different accent. Have I gone bloody mad? lol

Anyways, today (Wed) I went again to the doctor's office for blood work. Thank goodness this does not require a copay every time! I then waited til 3pm and found out more shocking ...confusing....news.

My levels had INCREASED. So, I am technically still pregnant. But the level was now at 14...which they were wanting at least 16 or higher. The nurse lady told me that typically they want to see an increase of 60% (which would have been 16). I had to call them and talk to them about my bleeding. They said they didn't know anything yet and guess what??

I have to go AGAIN on Friday...at 7:30am. Then I get to wait until 3pm AGAIN to see what the heck is going on.

Quit playing games with my heart, I say!

I am very happy that the levels are rising, don't get me wrong. But I know that a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy is very likely so it's sooo hard to get excited or feel pregnant.

I'm stuck in limbo...and hubby can't get excited either for the same reasons.

How I have longed to finally run to Borders and pick up the stack of books I want to read over the next 9 months or put one of those ticker things on my profile.

And right now...it feels temporary. Like I will be"Pregnant for a Day".

Queen for a Day, President for a Day, Superhero for a Day....those are much more desirable. Plus, I think after a day, I would change my mind.

But being pregnant is so different. I want it for 9 months followed by a happy, healthy little baby boy or girl.

Right now I feel like a crazy mess. Ask Hubby and he'll tell you I'm hormonal...but you would be too after everything I've been through.

We're just sooo close and yet it feels like it's sooo far away. I get to act like I'm pregnant. No more bromocriptine until they figure out what's going on. I'm supposed to continue the progesterone but it's hard when you have a raging river of yuck in that vicinity.

Other than that though it's a waiting game. IF treatments and such keep you "in the know" much more than doing  all of this naturally. It's honestly bittersweet because sometimes ignorance seems very blissful. Not always though.

So on Friday, I am hoping they know more. Am I hoping for some miracle that the bleeding and pain doesn't mean something bad and it could be a viable pregnancy? Yeah, of course.

Do I think that's the most realistic case? No....and it sucks.

I'm eager to find out so that we can move on...with a PREGNANCY (joy!) or moving past whatever it is....so we can try again hopefully in October. I fear that the longer it takes now to figure it out, the more cycles we will have to wait before we can do Clomid and the IUI again....

So thank you for those of you who have commented. I appreciate it. If you're reading this and aren't commenting, that's okay too. I appreciate you too. Your silent encouragement is still welcomed. :)

Now we wait for Friday.....