Hope Floats...with a Rubber Ducky

Half way through the dreaded 2 week wait!!! I'm honestly not feeling totally confident that it worked. Yes, I know I should think happy thoughts and try to be optimistic. However, I can't read my body to know what or if anything is going on...I'm not even sure WHEN to expect anything to happen...if it were happening. Plus, statistics are not on our side. The numbers show a low chance of it working...at all let alone the first time.

"Don't get discouraged" or "Just relax" doesn't really help.

It is what it is...and  if we're not this month...I will probably cry and then ask when we can start again. Give me some hormones, do as many ultrasounds as you want...we just need to get this going!

"Don't rush it...it will happen when it's suppose to" is my all time least favorite. OK...I'm NOT rushing it because I haven't been on birth control for over 2 years. I'm not rushing it because I physically CAN'T. So don't tell me that I AM rushing it....


There's a forum I belong to and have met/talked to some amazing women. We support each other, bitch with each other, and wish for each other's baby hopes to come true. We also talk about all the things that people say that are just hurtful or at the very least...very unhelpful.

I think we should write a book about what TO say in situations like this...and maybe even other situations. Then maybe we'd have a better understanding of what other people are going through...or at least how to say something to them without hurting their already delicate feelings.

Luckily, I haven't come across this too much because I am still in the beginning. If you are reading this and are feeling guilty about saying something like that....it's okay. You're still my friend and I understand that you might not know what to say.

That's why I want to write the book. lol :)

Anyways...I've lived most of my life as the gullible one. I even check to make sure it's actually in the dictionary...more than once. lol So sometimes I have a hard time allowing myself to get my hopes up. I've learned over the last some odd years that being naive can lead to hurt feelings, and feelings of great disappointment. If you don't get your hopes up...then you don't get let down.

I still get my hopes up now and then...and of course this is something I want more than anything. However...that is even more reason NOT to get my hopes up.

Yes, I realize I am messed up. lol

I'm not pessimistic...but I am not overly optimistic. I am trying to be realistic. Realistic means you can hope and think positive but with the knowledge that it might not happen how you planned, when you planned, etc.

If I was totally negative or thinking it will never happen...I wouldn't write "dear baby" poems/messages or buy little baby clothes or things for when he or she does come into the world. I wouldn't go to the doctor several times a week to get blood work done or ultrasounds that are somewhat awkward. I wouldn't think about it while babysitting or working. I wouldn't get up extra early to inset the tampon of goo to make sure it was as consistent as possible. I wouldn't smile at babies or try to find the humor in uncomfortable baby making situations.

I wouldn't care so much about something I have no control over. Something that seems like it should work every time. I don't see how 11.5 MILLION sperm could travel there and it doesn't work. But the reality is...there's more to it than that.

That's why it's a miracle.

Next Monday I will know...Happy Birthday Dad...you're going to be a Grandpa or Happy Birthday Dad....hopefully you'll be a grandpa soon.

Hope. That's what I have and what I cling to...even when it's hard to admit to myself that it's what I need.

* * *

Dear Baby,

I don't know when you'll get here, but Mommy and Daddy are ready to hold you in our arms. Forever.

Love, hugs, and kisses,
Mommy