Embracing Limboland

This is what Hubby told me today after we got the results. We're still in limbo and he encourages me to "embrace" it....

Okay, dear, whatever you say.

The bleeding has stopped (yay!) and my numbers jumped to 159! At first glance that seems like a wonderful thing. But it's actually a still confusing, scary, bittersweet result.

Next step is to go to the doctor and get an ultrasound done by him. He's concerned that it could be an ectopic pregnancy since the numbers haven't been following the right pattern.

Great. Lovely. Cannot wait.

I guess the best part is that after "D Day" we might actually know what's going on. That could turn out to be a very sad thing but at the same time....comforting. Limboland is a somewhat lonely place filled with question marks, uncertainty, and etc.

Right now every flinch, twitch, pain, pressure, hiccup, or gas movement that happens in "that area" causes me to wonder if it's something wrong or normal.

*Takes a deep breath*

When you're 4yrs old (give or take a year or two), you carry around your little baby doll pretending to be its mother. You burp it, feed it, change its diaper, and lug it around where ever you go.

When you're 10, baby dolls are no longer cool, boys are gross, and anything of the sort seems "babyish". This lasts for awhile.

When you're 17 and stupid enough to think you're in love with your high school boyfriend so lose your virginity...you're thinking PLEASE NO BABIES...and/or PLEASE GET MY PERIOD and of course NO STDS!!!

When you're 20-23ish, you're thinking you have plenty of time for babies. Finishing college, getting a career, and getting married start to become more of your priorities. Not babies...not yet. Because you have time.

Then you're  26, almost 27 and you're married (been so for 3yrs) and nothing has happened. You tell your body that it's "that time" you were talking about before...when you thought you had so much of it. Okay, body...time to do your thing!

Nope...it doesn't work that way....Collect $2000 and do not pass go...because you are headed to the RE specialist to see what the heck is up with your crazy body.

Now more than anything you want a baby. You want to hear those giggles, cries, and even the funny toot. You want to see the world from their eyes, their first steps, their first everything. You want to hold them until they are 12 and really don't like you anymore. lol You want to feel their soft skin, their kiss good night or when they say "I love you mommy/daddy" and the feeling of their little body hugging yours.

No a baby doll won't do. A baby doll doesn't love you back.