I Really Should Be In Bed....lol

Just a quick post before going off into dreamland. Welcome to the new followers! Welcome aboard my crazy train. :)

It's strange...I started out this whole thing much more positive than I have been lately. It seemed like with the stims every hope of this working was in each shot and I was getting closer and closer to the end result. Then came the retrieval which hurt but there was a hopeful 13 (eggs). Then down to 9 but still a good shot. Everything looked good with the embies on transfer day...And just 2 snowbabies or totsicles.

So why am I losing the positiveness?

Honestly I think it's out of fear. I can feel my body and mind telling me to prepare for a devastating let down. But I DON'T want to think that way. I really don't. I want to be positive that this will work.

This week is going to be nuts as it is. My summer job has me working crazy hours. They know I had some medical stuff done recently but they are working me to the bone. This of course worries me as to the health and well being of the omelets (instead of bean or gummy bear or peanut). So...again, setting myself to find out the truth. I doubt I will POAS before the beta test.

I don't know what's going to happen. Friday is still several days away...but the closer I get , the more anxious and scared I get.

So much is riding on this...and it's just the first cycle. It doesn't happen on the first cycle for everyone. With our insurance changing, a potential move in a few months, and everything else...I don't know when our next time will be.

Maybe that is part of my gloom...that we don't have a back up plan. There's no "if this doesn't work, then we'll do this" because we're not sure if we'll be able to.

I definitely want these omelets to work. I have made 1 perfect omelet (an actual one) in Senior Foods with my bff B. It was the only time I've ever eaten one too. But it was perfect.

Now I have 2 beautiful embies/omelets that in all theory should work. But even with 1+1=2....sometimes the numbers just don't add up.

People who are fertile probably take for granted how many things have to work  JUST right in order to conceive their child. Teens who get pregnant their first time having sex think it was probably a + b but it's so much more than that. If you really broke it down into how many things have to go exactly right, it's mindblowing. Perhaps that is why it is even more of a miracle.

To create life with someone else, and to develop that life inside of you for 9 months...is something I really do want to experience.

At least once. Preferably twice... :)

Please God....Please...I doubt you read my blog...but please read my heart. We want this...We want to have a family. We want to raise children knowing of your love and guidance.

Please...