Sometimes I'd Prefer Sticks and Stones

Sometimes I put on a brave face but really am very sad inside. I try to be strong, think positive, but sometimes my vulnerability shows.

DH and I don't really talk a lot about how we feel through this process. We both know it hurts and it sucks. That's kind of a given. But sometimes I think maybe we should talk about it more....so he doesn't say or repeat things he hears.

Yesterday I finally got to sit and talk to him. He was out of town for a game jam thing and went with a friend. I didn't know until yesterday that his friend's wife went with.

She's also a few months pregnant. We found out via online not that long ago. I think my response was "oh, that's nice." DH said something like "yeah, I knew that would be your reaction" or whatever.

I am happy for them...don't get me wrong. But then...sometimes people say stupid things. Before I even get into what was said, I don't think they know about our problems, that we're trying (unsuccessfully so far), and that I'm towards the end of my 2ww.

DH says to me that the wife said that I could live vicariously through her.

UM ....WHAT?

My heart burst into tears and of course I sat there looking away from DH as tears started streaming from my face. As they were welling up in my eyes, DH looked at me like "What did I say?!"

Again, this was one of those times that I wish he really knew how I felt. Truth is, I don't think I can really even express it all that well.

I don't WANT to live vicariously through someone else. And I REALLY don't think she would have said that if she had known what we were going through.

The ironic thing is that I kind of do live vicariously through others. Maybe not with the pregnant or baby part but with having a kid part. I babysit all the time, I spend most of my time watching kid shows or actually playing with kids. Last night I even took 2 of my kids to swimming lessons because their mom had a meeting. I had to help them shower, change, drove them home, gave them a snack, and then put them to bed.

I love them too.

So to some degree, I do live in this world where I can be motherly but without the complete responsibilities.

But I WANT to have and love my own children. I DO NOT want someone telling me, "You can live vicariously through me."

I didn't even dare ask HOW this came up but I was just too upset.

Friday is the day we find out. Since I had a large cyst right near my follies, I got sick, and everything else that's been going on......I don't have high hopes. I'm still trying to be optimistic that the 3rd time is the charm...but we all know that's not always true.

DH realized that this upset me....probably because I was crying. lol But he did say he was sorry for upsetting me and that we'll get there.

My follow up question is "when?"  Then we kinda discussed what we would do if this time doesn't work out. We only have so much left on our insurance. The clock is ticking in more than one way.

After getting over this I went on Facebook and found out someone else is pregnant. They had a rough time though and 2 miscarriages so it didn't make me as jealous. Jealous, yes..but not AS jealous.

There are a few friends of mine that talk about getting a house and having babies like it's a given or that its' going to happen when they want it to.

Does it make me a horrible person if I  secretly think to myself...I hope we have a baby first?





PS I had a weird comment incident. I thought they were in the wrong place. So sorry for not replying...I do read them and appreciate them. :)