"She's the IUI"

Don't you just love having a cute or funny or catchy blog post heading only to forget it before you actually write the darn thing?? Yeah...me too.

I've also been meaning to post for a few days now but things got a little crazy. So here's a mix of the last few days and a few posts I thought about...

Today I Was a Princess Rockstar

On Thursday I was babysitting one of my FAVE kids. She's five and between lunch and snack, she conned me into playing Princess Rockstar. We got ALL of her stuffed animals and placed them on the couches as the audience. Some of them even got to dress up. lol Then I had a bride headband with a blue skirt. Bless her heart, she tried to get me into a pink tutu thing that would have fit MAYBE my leg. lol She offered to switch and I was happy about that. :)

Before we actually performed our wonderful tunes (she sang and I played guitar)....she did my make up...complete with 34 POUNDS of glitter. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little but still...it was a LOT. I should have looked in the mirror before leaving her house because OMGOSH...

Anyways, we played and even when she was doing my make up...I couldn't help but think about my hypothetical little girl. Would I ever have someone of my own to do my make up with bright hot pink eyeshadow, gobs of pink and blue  gel glitter on my cheeks,  etc?

Now I'm not opposed to having a boy either. Her brother is 8 and I adore him. It was just her and I that day because he wasn't home yet. I just couldn't help but think about my little girl....

I should also mention that I had to go run errands afterwards which included the grocery store. I tried (in the car) to get as much off as I could but that glitter wouldn't come off!

And it just so happened that I saw someone I knew from the main school I sub in there. I had to point it out and explain so she didn't think I was crazy. She thought it was sweet that I let the girl do that to me. :)

Saturday Night Fever

So Saturday I babysat for a different family. They have 3 kids; 1 girl, 2 boys. The girl is 7 and the boys are 3 and 5. Well, the boys decide to play fight and such which meant someone was crying every few minutes. Sometimes a little kiss on the boo boo or a little ice or 17 bandaids that they DON'T need does the trick. lol

Well, I will say that sometimes I like living vicariously through other people. I get to be fun, play mommy, and sometimes even get boogers on me. Yes, I found lovely SNOT boogers on my shirt after consoling the 3 yr old.

Is it weird that I enjoyed this?? Maybe not so much the boogers but being needed like that. The middle one gives me a hard time sometimes but he ended up passing out rather quickly. The rest of the night turned out to be quiet.

I was playing with the girl, who I've known since she was 4. We attempted to play Harry Potter Scene It. It's hard, btw. Anyways, she accidentally called me Mom. I didn't say anything or correct her. This happened all the time when I worked at the daycare.

Truth be told, I smiled....Someone is going to call me Mom for real one day.

But anyways, she goes on to tell me how she loves me like she loves her mom. This is a HUGE compliment to me. I realize she may not actually love me as much as her mom, but even hearing her say that just warms my heart. She hugged me and I hugged back saying I loved her too.

There are several families (like the ones above) that I have grown so attached too. I know one day I won't be cool or fun or even someone they will want to hang out with. But for now, I get to enjoy them being little, playing with them, letting them dress me up or use me as a tissue.

Til I have a family of my own, I at least have someone to hug now and then. Sometimes it makes me so happy and takes off the pressure of trying to get pregnant and sometimes it makes my heart yearn SO much more fore the child or children we have yet to have.

I know some people going through IF have a hard time being around kids or babies. I seem more drawn to them than ever.

Maybe I'm just weird.

Making Babies, Wanting Kids

All this baby talk really got me thinking the other day that it's not JUST a baby that I want or look forward to. It's having a child. A kid.  Someone to go to PTA meetings for or email their teacher or watch them play a sport.

We seem to always focus on the baby part of IF and that portion of our longing. Don't get me wrong, I know that all stages of life are hard and I do look forward to the baby stage. Babysitting the other days really got me thinking more and more about wanting kids. Babies do grow up.

There's a lot I could go into on this but I am trying to mash it all up. This post is going to be a novel anyways so I will continue...

She's the IUI

Apparently, today when I went into the doctor's office...I was the IUI. The lady behind the desk was looking for my folder or whatever and couldn't find it. So someone behind her said I was the IUI. I am not ashamed of it but I also don't need the whole lobby of people knowing what I'm doing today.

The lobby of a fertility clinic is an interesting place to reflect. I was sitting there waiting to go in by myself. All three times I've gone by myself. I never made DH feel bad for not coming or even made him come with me. He couldn't go in the little room anyways...so it didn't make logical sense. Plus, today he had to catch a train to get into the city. That was a slight disaster.

But anyways...I'm sitting there thinking about how this is not how I wanted to make a baby. And this way is particularly lonely.

Yes your baby is going to be half you and half your spouse, but there are nurses and doctors involved. There are TOOLS that are cold and metallic involved. You don't have the warmth or comfort of your own bed, kitchen table, or sofa (lol). You have a reclining chair with stirrups at the end.

Then instead of baby making the fun, do I dare say, fun way....you have someone put a catheter of swimmers in you. Yeah, so romantic.

Then you go home alone and have to wait for 2 wks to see if anything happened at all. Oh, I forgot to mention the pills beforehand and the shot you have to give yourself. Plus, the endless vials of blood being drawn and internal ultrasounds.

For someone who HATES doctors, doctor offices, etc with a passion...this is a very humbling experience. I HAVE to do this things...

But I keep telling myself that in the end, it will be worth it. Sometimes I chant that when I'm  worried or doing something I really find uncomfortable.

Moving on...

The IUI itself went fine. The speculum thing must have been next to the Popsicles earlier because it was freezing!

Janet, the nurse who did my first IUI was the one who did it today. She's very nice.

DH's count was high before the wash but was kinda low for afterwards. She assured me that it was still enough to do an IUI but of course, this worries me.

I know it only takes one to make it happen but the more, the better odds...at least that's what I think. The best part about his swimmers was that they were ALL going the right way this time. Janet explained to me that the rest of them weren't going to do anything anyways...so why even worry about them being in there?

I have to say that was a relief....as much as it could have been.

Looking back the first IUI was so surreal. It felt like someone else was doing it and I didn't fully think about what we were doing. The doc told us that's what we needed to do, so we did it.

The second one was more real and a little more pressure. It came at a REALLY bad time for my DH with finding out about his dad and all.

This third one though...gosh...it's so hard to explain. I am trying to be optimistic but I feel like this time everything is riding on it. We don't know how much longer we will have our current insurance or how it will be affected when or if it changes. We know we can't do IVF right now unless it was covered 100%, which let's face it, isn't going to happen.

Plus, the desire and yearning for a child is greater than ever. Losing the first bfp to a nonviable result and then nothing happening the  2nd time around...it makes you think about why and what you're doing.

So I said a prayer and did a little coaching to my follies and swimmers. Right now I am hoping they have the focus and determination of the Steelers. lol

Look at me making a football reference. lol

Tomorrow I start my crinone gel and more of the dreaded 2 ww. Feb. 4th is the day we find out....This is one of those times I can say that I don't think I've been this scared in a LONG time.

Thanks for reading!

Baby dust and sticky vibes!