Hello all,
I'm finally discussing what happened. Nothing dramatic this time really...just sucky all around.
Last Wednesday I went to get my blood drawn for the beta test. Two nurses had to poke me 3 times! Needless to say I have a nice bruise. For some reason I have tricky veins. I always blame it on my grandma. She had the same problem.
Sad to say but the poking and soreness was for nothing. Not completely for nothing but pretty much. This time the IUI failed. Let's look at why, shall we?
1. The nurse said I probably already ovulated after she inseminated the sperm. Could have been poor timing.
2. I only had 1 good follicle.
3. DH's sperm count was much lower to lack of sleep, stress (he found out his dad has colon cancer), and not being comfortable in the doctor's office.
4. I did ask for one way or the other. The last time was so hard and hard on my body. I suppose it's better to know at first rather than be given false hope.
It's how I found out that was kind of interesting. The fertility insurance people called me around 2:55pm. I wasn't supposed to call the Patients Results Network (PRN) for the voicemail until 3pm. She tells me if it's okay to put the next cycle of clomid through. I told her that I had a pregnancy test that morning and didn't know the results yet.
Safe to say...she was pretty upset that she was the one to tell me I was not pregnant. She felt bad but called right away because these things have to be processed promptly in order to get the meds before your next cycle.
Ugh.
Part of me wishes I hadn't picked up the phone. I'm sure the insurance lady felt the same way. I told her we had to talk about it and I would call back later.
I finally called the PRN and found out the official bad news...several minutes AFTER 3pm btw. But whatever. The results were the same. It wasn't some mix up that part of my heart was hoping for.
Of course the tears came and talking to the hubby through gurgled words and sobs.
Then I remembered something I heard on The Little Couple. They've been having a really hard time with follicles, etc. Bill said something about it being a "short term disappointment".
I try to remind myself that one day I will be holding that baby telling him or her how hard it was to have them but was worth the wait. I don't want just any baby...I want to have the right baby that was meant for us. Do you ever think if your parents hadn't had you, what that would be like? You wouldn't exist. For some reason 1 egg and 1 special sperm have to be right. I remind myself that it will happen.
Part of that mentality helps me. The other part is knowing that we haven't exhausted all of our options.
I still wonder why it would have sort of worked the first time but not worked at all the second time. Why does IF have to be SO frickin' complicated??? AND WHY DO SOME PEOPLE MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY?! (Not IF...having babies)
*takes a deep breath*
The next step is do our 3rd IUI in January. My dosage of Clomid is going to be increased. The insurance people told me I have 4 IUIs, then some type of shot, and then IVF retrieval.
That gives me some hope. I just hope it doesn't get to that point. We'll see though.
We could have been doing it this month except that the IUI could happen right at Christmas. That would not be good considering we will be in KY visiting my in laws.
Hubby and I decided it would be too stressful to try to make it all work. And sorry, but timed intercourse at your in-laws/parents' house is just not that romantic. lol
As much as I wanted to jump right back in, we're taking a brief break. I think it's the best for all of us.
So much for my Christmas miracle...BUT that doesn't mean I can't have a January miracle or whatever month he or she decides to bless us.
In case I don't make it back on here, Happy Holidays everyone!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Waiting Blues and Thinking Pink (lines)
In less than 48 hours I will know the results of our second IUI...
I feel different this time... Not really physically...just mentally. But I'm not sure if I should psych myself up for a let down or still be overly optimistic.
Anxious is definitely how I feel though. Right now...and probably up until I find out.
My body is not a good indicator for anything. I tell myself "it's probably just gas" or "it is probably something I ate" or "it's probably just my PMS" or something...
As badly as I want to be pregnant, and STAY pregnant this time...I have a hard time letting myself believe it's going to happen.
I WANT it to happen so much but I almost feel bad for letting myself be happy thinking about how it would be for the results to be positive.
Why is that???
Fear. Fear of being soo happy in my mind but then finding out the devastating news.
Last time was so close but just not enough. What will (if anything) happen this time around?
Every cycle is different. From the period (haha) before and the period (haha) after....to the emotions, the ups and downs about guessing what is going on with my body...even to how much I tell people.
It's hard enough getting your own hopes up let alone someone else's. Then multiply that by 5 or more...because you just had to blab to everyone. Well...almost everyone.
DH's family still knows absolutely NOTHING. Right now, his dad is going through some hard times. He actually found out he has colon cancer. Tomorrow they are going to remove part of his intestines. :(
Hopefully we will have good news to give him come Wednesday. Well...we probably wouldn't tell them right away anyways. I have a feeling DH will wait til I'm giving birth before he announces the news. LOL
We don't see his family enough where they could catch on. I still say they should know...but only if they will be cool about it.
If they have a problem with how we conceived, then I will have a problem with THEM having a problem! :)
Bad news....if that happens. We'll see.
For now, we just wait.
DH is so random too. He freaks out about stuff one day and then the next he's telling me I need to take better care of myself because we're paying to get pregnant. :) And then a little bit ago, he tells me he's not sure abut the names we like anymore because they're so popular right now.
I definitely cannot read him like a book in regards to baby stuff. But I know he'll be happy when we get our good news.
Crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, or whatever I have to! :)
I feel different this time... Not really physically...just mentally. But I'm not sure if I should psych myself up for a let down or still be overly optimistic.
Anxious is definitely how I feel though. Right now...and probably up until I find out.
My body is not a good indicator for anything. I tell myself "it's probably just gas" or "it is probably something I ate" or "it's probably just my PMS" or something...
As badly as I want to be pregnant, and STAY pregnant this time...I have a hard time letting myself believe it's going to happen.
I WANT it to happen so much but I almost feel bad for letting myself be happy thinking about how it would be for the results to be positive.
Why is that???
Fear. Fear of being soo happy in my mind but then finding out the devastating news.
Last time was so close but just not enough. What will (if anything) happen this time around?
Every cycle is different. From the period (haha) before and the period (haha) after....to the emotions, the ups and downs about guessing what is going on with my body...even to how much I tell people.
It's hard enough getting your own hopes up let alone someone else's. Then multiply that by 5 or more...because you just had to blab to everyone. Well...almost everyone.
DH's family still knows absolutely NOTHING. Right now, his dad is going through some hard times. He actually found out he has colon cancer. Tomorrow they are going to remove part of his intestines. :(
Hopefully we will have good news to give him come Wednesday. Well...we probably wouldn't tell them right away anyways. I have a feeling DH will wait til I'm giving birth before he announces the news. LOL
We don't see his family enough where they could catch on. I still say they should know...but only if they will be cool about it.
If they have a problem with how we conceived, then I will have a problem with THEM having a problem! :)
Bad news....if that happens. We'll see.
For now, we just wait.
DH is so random too. He freaks out about stuff one day and then the next he's telling me I need to take better care of myself because we're paying to get pregnant. :) And then a little bit ago, he tells me he's not sure abut the names we like anymore because they're so popular right now.
I definitely cannot read him like a book in regards to baby stuff. But I know he'll be happy when we get our good news.
Crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, or whatever I have to! :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Set Your GPS to Uterus, USA
Hi blog friends!
I guess it is time to update you again!
Well, Friday was the big day. DH did not sleep well, and claims that was the reasoning for his count being lower than last time.
The kind nurse, Sue, reminded me that it was enough, and they were giving the spermies GPS. LOL That did make me feel better. After all, like she said, it only takes one. I just hope they aren't directionally challenged like me!
So the IUI was again painless...just a little awkward. Sue was nice and told me when she was going to do something. The only thing that worried me a little was that she said it looked like I had ovulated. She said it was a good thing, but then she asked if we had intercourse after we did the trigger shot. Since we had, she said it was okay and we were just making sure someone was there for the egg.
To me, it seemed like we could've missed our chance. I really hope not! Hopefully one of the many spermies was able to get there in time!
There's no way to know for sure until Dec. 8th when I do my pregnancy test. I realize it's not the full 14 days but I guess that just means it's less of a wait...
So fingers crossed, etc....I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's a huge deal that we can't control. ugh.
On different note....
I think I am scared to be pregnant.
I know that seems strange coming from someone who is going through all of this to get pregnant. Perhaps it's because being pregnant is a big responsibility and all...and a toll on your body.
If I get a great BFP, I will be ecstatic but probably more in denial that anything. Having a baby has always seemed like something someone else would do or wasn't for a long time. I definitely see myself needing time to adjust to it being real.
Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. Didn't I JUST say I was trying not to think about it too much?!
Anyways, there is so much that is scary but I think it's exciting too. Hopefully I will have good, solid news in 9 days.
9 days?! Wow...
Oh, and this time around I have definitely talked about it less. Last time it was sooo hard to get people excited only to let them down a few weeks later. Truthfully, I think they got themselves worked up because they were trying to be positive for me and it IS an exciting thing...However, I don't think anyone really realizes how devastating it all is unless you're going through it first hand.
The dreaded question for me right now is "sooooo how do you feel?"
I usually just say I feel fine but don't read into things. That is how I got in trouble before. Not in trouble literally..just in the sense that I got my hopes up a LOT. Last year and the beginning of this year was a whole lot of ups and downs.
One month I would be 9 days late...but nothing. Another month it was my boobs and my bladder...but nothing.. Then another month it would be this or that. I think you get my point.
I probably asked God at one point or another to help me know for sure and to make things more clear. I really didn't mean for Him to give me a condition or whatever that requires me to be monitored constantly by the nurses/doctors. That wasn't really what I had in mind. lol However, I will say that it does take away a lot of the doubt and questioning. Go figure.
There were so many "ifs" and everything that it would drive me nuts. And then it would cause me to be depressed when I got my period. There wasn't always a strand of hope but when there was....oh...I was so happy.
Only to be let down in the worst way.
Hubby doesn't really get this. His desire for children is definitely not like mine. I guess more women than men have that urge...but still...Sometimes I wish he would want it just as badly. Maybe then he would understand how one little comment or one negative line ...means more than he thinks.
I also think sometimes he feels like this is JUST happening or that we're rushing into something. Okay...first of all, we haven't been using any type of birth control for over 2 yrs. We weren't careful and there were several months we actually "tried".
Yet he somehow thinks this is something new. Perhaps he feels this way because it's becoming more and more a possibility. He makes jokes but I think it's just because he's scared.
I'm scared too. I might be freaking out about actually being pregnant, knowing how to care for a baby, and then being a good parent while he or she grows up. Yeah, I do freak out. I don't always talk about it or show it......but oh yeah, it's there.
I even acknowledge that there will be days or moments when I ask myself, "Why did I want this?!" Mostly that is because it will be hard. I freak out about that too.
However, I am more scared that we will never have a child of our own. I know that we can get through the other scary parts together or with support from family and friends.
In my wildest dreams, or moments of paranoia, did I ever think we would have a hard time getting pregnant. I thought that would have been the easy, fun part.
No such luck.
I may be scared, nervous, and sometimes a little unsure...but I know what the big picture is. I know the end game so to speak. That's what I have in my mind every time there's a needle shoved in my arm, or someone looking at my crotch. (I really don't like that part!)
Just get me to that goal...and I will tackle anything between here and there.
Okay I think that's enough rambling for today. I'm in need of some tacos or something. :)
Thank you for reading and encouraging me to keep going. I really, really appreciate it.
Sometimes you are the only ones I can really talk to about this.
*hugs*
I guess it is time to update you again!
Well, Friday was the big day. DH did not sleep well, and claims that was the reasoning for his count being lower than last time.
The kind nurse, Sue, reminded me that it was enough, and they were giving the spermies GPS. LOL That did make me feel better. After all, like she said, it only takes one. I just hope they aren't directionally challenged like me!
So the IUI was again painless...just a little awkward. Sue was nice and told me when she was going to do something. The only thing that worried me a little was that she said it looked like I had ovulated. She said it was a good thing, but then she asked if we had intercourse after we did the trigger shot. Since we had, she said it was okay and we were just making sure someone was there for the egg.
To me, it seemed like we could've missed our chance. I really hope not! Hopefully one of the many spermies was able to get there in time!
There's no way to know for sure until Dec. 8th when I do my pregnancy test. I realize it's not the full 14 days but I guess that just means it's less of a wait...
So fingers crossed, etc....I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's a huge deal that we can't control. ugh.
On different note....
I think I am scared to be pregnant.
I know that seems strange coming from someone who is going through all of this to get pregnant. Perhaps it's because being pregnant is a big responsibility and all...and a toll on your body.
If I get a great BFP, I will be ecstatic but probably more in denial that anything. Having a baby has always seemed like something someone else would do or wasn't for a long time. I definitely see myself needing time to adjust to it being real.
Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. Didn't I JUST say I was trying not to think about it too much?!
Anyways, there is so much that is scary but I think it's exciting too. Hopefully I will have good, solid news in 9 days.
9 days?! Wow...
Oh, and this time around I have definitely talked about it less. Last time it was sooo hard to get people excited only to let them down a few weeks later. Truthfully, I think they got themselves worked up because they were trying to be positive for me and it IS an exciting thing...However, I don't think anyone really realizes how devastating it all is unless you're going through it first hand.
The dreaded question for me right now is "sooooo how do you feel?"
I usually just say I feel fine but don't read into things. That is how I got in trouble before. Not in trouble literally..just in the sense that I got my hopes up a LOT. Last year and the beginning of this year was a whole lot of ups and downs.
One month I would be 9 days late...but nothing. Another month it was my boobs and my bladder...but nothing.. Then another month it would be this or that. I think you get my point.
I probably asked God at one point or another to help me know for sure and to make things more clear. I really didn't mean for Him to give me a condition or whatever that requires me to be monitored constantly by the nurses/doctors. That wasn't really what I had in mind. lol However, I will say that it does take away a lot of the doubt and questioning. Go figure.
There were so many "ifs" and everything that it would drive me nuts. And then it would cause me to be depressed when I got my period. There wasn't always a strand of hope but when there was....oh...I was so happy.
Only to be let down in the worst way.
Hubby doesn't really get this. His desire for children is definitely not like mine. I guess more women than men have that urge...but still...Sometimes I wish he would want it just as badly. Maybe then he would understand how one little comment or one negative line ...means more than he thinks.
I also think sometimes he feels like this is JUST happening or that we're rushing into something. Okay...first of all, we haven't been using any type of birth control for over 2 yrs. We weren't careful and there were several months we actually "tried".
Yet he somehow thinks this is something new. Perhaps he feels this way because it's becoming more and more a possibility. He makes jokes but I think it's just because he's scared.
I'm scared too. I might be freaking out about actually being pregnant, knowing how to care for a baby, and then being a good parent while he or she grows up. Yeah, I do freak out. I don't always talk about it or show it......but oh yeah, it's there.
I even acknowledge that there will be days or moments when I ask myself, "Why did I want this?!" Mostly that is because it will be hard. I freak out about that too.
However, I am more scared that we will never have a child of our own. I know that we can get through the other scary parts together or with support from family and friends.
In my wildest dreams, or moments of paranoia, did I ever think we would have a hard time getting pregnant. I thought that would have been the easy, fun part.
No such luck.
I may be scared, nervous, and sometimes a little unsure...but I know what the big picture is. I know the end game so to speak. That's what I have in my mind every time there's a needle shoved in my arm, or someone looking at my crotch. (I really don't like that part!)
Just get me to that goal...and I will tackle anything between here and there.
Okay I think that's enough rambling for today. I'm in need of some tacos or something. :)
Thank you for reading and encouraging me to keep going. I really, really appreciate it.
Sometimes you are the only ones I can really talk to about this.
*hugs*
Friday, November 26, 2010
Post-Turkey Thoughts
Thanksgiving is officially over. It was good though. Our plans to visit DH's family in KY were interrupted because of my cycle. I'm hoping that is a good sign. :)
I am very cautious this time around but trying to be optimistic. It's hard to find the right balance between not getting your hopes up too high but still trying to have a positive, "it will happen" outlook.
I guess I am somewhere in between.
Finally on Wednesday I went in to get checked out. Like last time I didn't have a color change on my ovulation kit. When the nurse did the ultrasound, she discovered a 21mm follicle! There were a few other ones but they weren't anything to write home about.
Rewind to the last cycle and I had much, much smaller ones at this point. I ended up going in every other day almost to keep checking to see when or if I would do IUI.
This time everything was ready to go. So DH and I did the trigger shot on Wednesday night, did a little baby dance, and now we're going to our IUI appointment in 8-10 hours. His is at 8am and mine is at 10am.
This cycle has a lot riding on it I guess you could say. DH wants to take a little break if it doesn't work. Part of me understands and the other part just wants this to work sooooo badly.
I don't want to wait.
There's not much I can do about it though so no sense in worrying. Ha!
Friday (tomorrow) will start my 2WW which is basically torture. Wondering if it worked, what's going on in your body, how will you feel if it did or didn't work? What's the next step either way? If it did work, is it going to progress properly??
Soooo many questions.
Kind of off subject ....
I am sorry for not being on here all that much lately. I've been busy and a lot hasn't been going on with our baby making stuff until recently. However, I think the main reason is that I just don't know what to say sometimes.
There are times when the words just won't come out. I can't bring myself to type them or they won't form in my mind. The ironic part of that is that this happens usually when I have sooo much to say. I just don't know how to say it...or don't want to bring myself to say it. If I say it or write it, then it's real.
With the experiences that we've been through already...there are definitely lonely times in the car, before bed, playing on Facebook, or seeing babies at a store....that something inside hurts.
That's not a very good sentence...or thought...lol But maybe you know what I mean. There are points in all of this when I don't want to dwell on it, or talk about it. I certainly started talking about it much less than before. After the first time and what happened, I guess it's not all that surprising.
So while I am thankful for you reading this, I can't promise you updates all the time. I wish I could....but sometimes I choose to suffer in silence.
I hope you can understand that.
I am very cautious this time around but trying to be optimistic. It's hard to find the right balance between not getting your hopes up too high but still trying to have a positive, "it will happen" outlook.
I guess I am somewhere in between.
Finally on Wednesday I went in to get checked out. Like last time I didn't have a color change on my ovulation kit. When the nurse did the ultrasound, she discovered a 21mm follicle! There were a few other ones but they weren't anything to write home about.
Rewind to the last cycle and I had much, much smaller ones at this point. I ended up going in every other day almost to keep checking to see when or if I would do IUI.
This time everything was ready to go. So DH and I did the trigger shot on Wednesday night, did a little baby dance, and now we're going to our IUI appointment in 8-10 hours. His is at 8am and mine is at 10am.
This cycle has a lot riding on it I guess you could say. DH wants to take a little break if it doesn't work. Part of me understands and the other part just wants this to work sooooo badly.
I don't want to wait.
There's not much I can do about it though so no sense in worrying. Ha!
Friday (tomorrow) will start my 2WW which is basically torture. Wondering if it worked, what's going on in your body, how will you feel if it did or didn't work? What's the next step either way? If it did work, is it going to progress properly??
Soooo many questions.
Kind of off subject ....
I am sorry for not being on here all that much lately. I've been busy and a lot hasn't been going on with our baby making stuff until recently. However, I think the main reason is that I just don't know what to say sometimes.
There are times when the words just won't come out. I can't bring myself to type them or they won't form in my mind. The ironic part of that is that this happens usually when I have sooo much to say. I just don't know how to say it...or don't want to bring myself to say it. If I say it or write it, then it's real.
With the experiences that we've been through already...there are definitely lonely times in the car, before bed, playing on Facebook, or seeing babies at a store....that something inside hurts.
That's not a very good sentence...or thought...lol But maybe you know what I mean. There are points in all of this when I don't want to dwell on it, or talk about it. I certainly started talking about it much less than before. After the first time and what happened, I guess it's not all that surprising.
So while I am thankful for you reading this, I can't promise you updates all the time. I wish I could....but sometimes I choose to suffer in silence.
I hope you can understand that.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Humpty Dumpty Syndrome
Hello all.
Not a whole lot going on in the world of fertility lately. Sometimes it seems like the days drag on and on. I guess this happens mostly when you're waiting for your period.
I thought it would be here by now but not yet. It's very possible that I calculated it wrong. Damn. More waiting. I have the meds ready to go, I am ready to go to all of my appointments, etc.
Of course if I missed it because I was magically pregnant..that would be AWESOME. But let's get real here...That has about the same odds as me being an astronaut.
Well, maybe it has better odds than that but still...I think you get my point. :)
I feel like Humpty Dumpty because all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't seem to put me back together right now.
Let me fill you in a little...
On October 22, I did a sleep study. I may have mentioned this back in August that when I went in for my Rubella vaccination, I left with a sleep study referral. If not, now you know. :)
Anyways, I finally went because I am always tired and I know something is up. Plus, I am between cycles...which to me, is the best time to do it. Once my period hits it's go time.
It was weird going to the hospital at 8pm. It was dark. I had to park in a deserted parking lot. I was a little concerned about getting jumped. lol
Luckily, I found it just fine and no one attempted to mug me in my pajamas.
The sleep study technician or whatever he is called was really nice. He was an older man with a middle eastern accent. His name was Wally. He's a dad of two kids and loves his wife. We had a few laughs and he gave me some advice. Unsolicited of course.
Anyways, he put wires and monitors all over my body. It was really awkward because I was supposed to sleep with all of that on...WHILE he watched me sleep! Yeah...no.
So as you can imagine it was not the best night of sleep I have ever had.
Fast forward a week and a half or so..and now I am at my normal doctor's office listening to him tell me the results of my sleep study.
It was bad, he says. Great...
What it boils down to is this...
I have obstructive sleep apnea. To learn more about this ...go here... Obstructive Sleep Apnea
The longest period of time that I went without breathing was 34 seconds. Yeah, I know that's a lot.
I had 412 obstructions while sleeping. My mom and DH (dear husband) have done this before and had under 30. I HAD 412! Yeah, I know that's bad too.
I have to stop sleeping on my back and sleep mostly on my side or stomach. That's not the end of the world.
But what was really bad too was that at some point(s) the oxygen level in my blood (oxygen saturation) went down to 78%.
Normally a sleeping person might get down to 90%. Yeah, I know that 78% is bad too.
So basically, I snore because of sinus and other issues but I also stop breathing so much that I am not sleeping enough.
Solution? I will be getting a CPAP machine. My DH has one so we'll both sound like Darth Vader. Poor puppies. lol
These results led me to thinking about my first cycle of Clomid and IUI. My "pregnancy" ended up being not viable. I wonder if this had anything to do with the fact that I stop breathing in my sleep.
And had I been pregnant still, would my fetus be robbed of oxygen??
Perhaps I did this sleep study just in time to save a future pregnancy from bad problems. Sleep apnea can cause some really bad things later in life for me...but just think about the helpless fetus that depends on me for everything.
If I can't properly breathe on my own, then how can I help the fetus?
I will have to update you once I actually get the machine and how it goes. I know there will be some adjustment time.
On a separate note, I turned 27 yesterday. I am now about how old my mom was when she had me. I like our age difference...Makes me wonder about my kids...
Thanks for reading!
Not a whole lot going on in the world of fertility lately. Sometimes it seems like the days drag on and on. I guess this happens mostly when you're waiting for your period.
I thought it would be here by now but not yet. It's very possible that I calculated it wrong. Damn. More waiting. I have the meds ready to go, I am ready to go to all of my appointments, etc.
Of course if I missed it because I was magically pregnant..that would be AWESOME. But let's get real here...That has about the same odds as me being an astronaut.
Well, maybe it has better odds than that but still...I think you get my point. :)
I feel like Humpty Dumpty because all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't seem to put me back together right now.
Let me fill you in a little...
On October 22, I did a sleep study. I may have mentioned this back in August that when I went in for my Rubella vaccination, I left with a sleep study referral. If not, now you know. :)
Anyways, I finally went because I am always tired and I know something is up. Plus, I am between cycles...which to me, is the best time to do it. Once my period hits it's go time.
It was weird going to the hospital at 8pm. It was dark. I had to park in a deserted parking lot. I was a little concerned about getting jumped. lol
Luckily, I found it just fine and no one attempted to mug me in my pajamas.
The sleep study technician or whatever he is called was really nice. He was an older man with a middle eastern accent. His name was Wally. He's a dad of two kids and loves his wife. We had a few laughs and he gave me some advice. Unsolicited of course.
Anyways, he put wires and monitors all over my body. It was really awkward because I was supposed to sleep with all of that on...WHILE he watched me sleep! Yeah...no.
So as you can imagine it was not the best night of sleep I have ever had.
Fast forward a week and a half or so..and now I am at my normal doctor's office listening to him tell me the results of my sleep study.
It was bad, he says. Great...
What it boils down to is this...
I have obstructive sleep apnea. To learn more about this ...go here... Obstructive Sleep Apnea
The longest period of time that I went without breathing was 34 seconds. Yeah, I know that's a lot.
I had 412 obstructions while sleeping. My mom and DH (dear husband) have done this before and had under 30. I HAD 412! Yeah, I know that's bad too.
I have to stop sleeping on my back and sleep mostly on my side or stomach. That's not the end of the world.
But what was really bad too was that at some point(s) the oxygen level in my blood (oxygen saturation) went down to 78%.
Normally a sleeping person might get down to 90%. Yeah, I know that 78% is bad too.
So basically, I snore because of sinus and other issues but I also stop breathing so much that I am not sleeping enough.
Solution? I will be getting a CPAP machine. My DH has one so we'll both sound like Darth Vader. Poor puppies. lol
These results led me to thinking about my first cycle of Clomid and IUI. My "pregnancy" ended up being not viable. I wonder if this had anything to do with the fact that I stop breathing in my sleep.
And had I been pregnant still, would my fetus be robbed of oxygen??
Perhaps I did this sleep study just in time to save a future pregnancy from bad problems. Sleep apnea can cause some really bad things later in life for me...but just think about the helpless fetus that depends on me for everything.
If I can't properly breathe on my own, then how can I help the fetus?
I will have to update you once I actually get the machine and how it goes. I know there will be some adjustment time.
On a separate note, I turned 27 yesterday. I am now about how old my mom was when she had me. I like our age difference...Makes me wonder about my kids...
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The Good, the Bad, and the Cranky
Just a quick update today....
We went for our consultation meeting today. First I had an internal ultrasound. No biggie since I've had so many now I have lost count. Then we talked to the doctor for about 3 minutes. Yes...$50 for 3 minutes! I am in the wrong field if that what I could make in 3 minutes!
So the good... We will start Clomid cycle #2 as soon as I get my period. He made a comment like "unless you do it on your own" or something... I looked at him questioningly....I didn't even think that was possible. He may have meant with the Clomid but I'm not sure. He ushered us out of there pretty fast. I had to ask him about doing a sleep study (which is now scheduled for Oct. 29). Fun times. No cysts either...which is a GREAT thing. :)
The bad...We talked to the doctor for literally 3 minutes?! And we're not sure if my last period was really a period or not...so I'm not sure when I should get mine. Probably right around my birthday. Oh joy! lol We also don't know if whatever was trying to grow started in the uterus or the tubes. It went away by itself...which is a good thing in a way. However, we still have to be cautious about the next time.
The cranky....My husband was just not in the mood today. He said it was because he was tired and things were on his mind. I just kept thinking...Get a grip and TRY to pretend that this is a good thing. He does go back and forth but I think it's because he knows he might have to change some things (big things too) if we actually get pregnant.
But it could take years...and everyone has to sacrifice something when having kids. I would gladly give up being a teacher in order to be a mom. But that's me...
He WANTS children and knows I want them too. He just worries more than he lets on about things that we just can't control. Do I want to get pregnant for real this time around?? YES... Will it happen? I don't know. It could take many more times. The doctor said we would do 3 clomid/IUI cycles more if needed.
I'm getting back on the saddle...or bike....or straddling something (lol) because here we go again.....
We went for our consultation meeting today. First I had an internal ultrasound. No biggie since I've had so many now I have lost count. Then we talked to the doctor for about 3 minutes. Yes...$50 for 3 minutes! I am in the wrong field if that what I could make in 3 minutes!
So the good... We will start Clomid cycle #2 as soon as I get my period. He made a comment like "unless you do it on your own" or something... I looked at him questioningly....I didn't even think that was possible. He may have meant with the Clomid but I'm not sure. He ushered us out of there pretty fast. I had to ask him about doing a sleep study (which is now scheduled for Oct. 29). Fun times. No cysts either...which is a GREAT thing. :)
The bad...We talked to the doctor for literally 3 minutes?! And we're not sure if my last period was really a period or not...so I'm not sure when I should get mine. Probably right around my birthday. Oh joy! lol We also don't know if whatever was trying to grow started in the uterus or the tubes. It went away by itself...which is a good thing in a way. However, we still have to be cautious about the next time.
The cranky....My husband was just not in the mood today. He said it was because he was tired and things were on his mind. I just kept thinking...Get a grip and TRY to pretend that this is a good thing. He does go back and forth but I think it's because he knows he might have to change some things (big things too) if we actually get pregnant.
But it could take years...and everyone has to sacrifice something when having kids. I would gladly give up being a teacher in order to be a mom. But that's me...
He WANTS children and knows I want them too. He just worries more than he lets on about things that we just can't control. Do I want to get pregnant for real this time around?? YES... Will it happen? I don't know. It could take many more times. The doctor said we would do 3 clomid/IUI cycles more if needed.
I'm getting back on the saddle...or bike....or straddling something (lol) because here we go again.....
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Vagina Monoblogs
Wow! It's actually been awhile since I've updated. I guess it's because nothing with IF has really happened. Sure, I think about things I could write, but then I try to write it...and nothing comes out. I'm somewhat numb but reality will be here tomorrow at 2pm. We have our reconsultation meeting with our RE tomorrow. We will find out what's next, if anything, etc...I'm a little nervous because I'm afraid he's going to make us wait longer or do more testing. I don't want to wait longer and I REALLY don't want to do a HSG again.
I just want to send a quick shout out to my new supporters (followers seems like a weird name)!! Thanks for joining my crazy train! I hope to provide you humor and support as this journey continues. Happy to have you and don't hesitate to comment. :)
For you all today....I have some ramblings. Enjoy...or not...
Rambling #1: My mom and I were on a castle tour a few weeks ago. There was a secret passage way and a huge group of people came out before we were allowed in. We were all joking that they were in there long enough to reproduce...and the guy says (as we are walking in)..."How many do you think you could have?" or something like that. Obviously, he doesn't know what I'm going through...but it still stung a little. Because the answer was 0. We need significant help to have a baby. Making love no longer has that added mystery of "maybe we will make a baby tonight" or "am I even ovulating right now?" Unfortunately, I have to just smile and nod or laugh off such comments because he didn't know.
Rambling #2: I love kids and I have been babysitting A LOT lately. Is this a good thing for me to be doing? Sometimes I wonder if I'm helping myself to heal in some way or living vicariously? I think a little bit of both. The kids I babysit for are not babies,...3-8yrs old is usually the norm. Sometimes they play with their siblings or alone....but a lot of times I like to play with them as well. We do crafts, I even buy them little things on occasion. Just a few nights ago we got tattoos. Well, they were temporary! I'm not crazy! lol But we made muffins that didn't turn out right, played hide and seek in the dark, challenged each other with the Wii, and so much more. Then I would tuck them in and say good night after reading a bedtime story. A little taste of parenthood...but I got to go home to my own bed. I didn't have to get up early when they did or take them to school or brush their bed head...
I know we all want a baby....but I look forward to having a kid too. Not being able to do those little things with my own children (yet)...brings tears to my eyes. So back to my question....am I just a glutton for punishment or is this somewhat helping me??
Rambling #3: My thoughts on children and parenthood have changed over the last 4 months. Wait....4 months? It's only been a little over 4 months that my life has been completely turned upside down by IF??? How can that be??? It feels like forever! A lot has happened over the last 4 months....
1 BRAIN MRI
7 or more internal ultrasounds
1 IUI
Countless blood tests
2 Semen analysis plus 1 deposit for the IUI
3-4 consultations with the RE
90+ Pills (1 everyday except when I was technically pregnant)
1 HSG
1 rubella vaccination
20+ Pads
Gosh...so much more..
But back to what I was saying ...nah, I will make it Rambling #4.
Rambling #4...Okay back to my ideas and thoughts about motherhood etc changing.... I know I would make a good mom because my mom is the best. So I had a good role model. :) Actually, my mom is now one of my best friends. I want that with my future kids. She'll go to Legoland with me on my 26th birthday or just see a movie with me. She tells me things I don't always want to hear and vise versa. Sometimes I forget she's my mom first and my friend second. My relationship with her has always been good but I think it's the best ever since I've "grown up". I use those words loosely because frankly...I am a big kid at heart.
If you know me or my mom...or preferably both of us... you know that we are A LOT alike. I used to think that was kind of a negative thing, but it's really not. I know what parts of me are like my dad but I am overall mostly like my mom. This has come to be a good thing. She's a very special person and I couldn't do this all without her.
I think it sometimes upsets her to talk about it because she is looking forward to being a grandmother. She will be an AWESOME grandma. I cannot wait for my kids to have my parents (and hubby's parents) as grandparents. I want this for her too. I want to call her at 2am and ask her silly questions I could have googled or watch her cry as she holds our baby for the first time. I actually asked her if she would be in the delivery room with me and DH...if it's allowed. She said she'd love to. I don't know if I will ever get my chance to do this or how many times she will have this chance...but I hope one day it will happen.
Did I get off topic again? LOL Wow...I shall wipe my tears and continue....
Rambling #5: My thoughts on being a mom weren't really developed before all of this. I just knew that I wanted kids because I love them and it was a part of life. Through this experience I have learned a lot more about my own feelings and even hubby's. Here are my Top 5 Reasons Why I Want to Have Children.
#5: Legacy...We all want a part of ourselves or family name etc, to live on. To me this is a very small reason but I'm including it anyways.
#4: Someone to Teach and Watch Grow. They are our future, right? :)
#3:This kind of goes with #4 but... Experiencing life through the eyes of a child. Watching their eyes light up at Christmas or their first day of school. I could go on and on about all of the things I hope for my kids. I had a great childhood so I hope to give that to them as well.
#2: I love kids. I am a teacher, a babysitter, a big kid myself. Enough said. Plus, they say some of the FUNNIEST things ever!
#1: My mom (and Dad). My relationships with them inspire me more than ever to do the same for someone else one day. I've learned so much, been loved so much, and generally know that I could be great by just being half as good as them. My hubby probably feels somewhat like this too, but this is my blog. So I love his family, but I'm just going to delve into mine. :)
Some of these reasons might sound a little selfish...and I guess I can't really express everything exactly how I mean it...but I tried. I hope it was conveyed okay.
Ramblings #6: Babies and kids don't really upset me all that much when I see them. Sometimes a pregnant lady or multiple of them can cause a twinge or jealousy....but usually..they don't. I don't know why this is. Most people going through IF really have a hard time running into people who are pregnant or little babies. Sometimes, I admit, that I steer clear of them or pretend that it was hard for them and therefore I can't be jealous.
I think it's harder at the doctor's office to hear people get congratulations or high beta tests. A couple had a 400 recently and that did sting a little...especially when the nurse told them she thought it was a sign for twins. I know my time is coming...or at least I hope it is...but ugh...The in between is torture. Even more so when I was so close only to find out that it was abnormal, not viable, or whatever you want to call it. Paint it anyway you want...but the result was the same.
Well, I think I am going to stop there for now. This turned into a long post so thanks if you read it all. :)
I hope to have some positive news to share tomorrow. Cross your fingers!
Baby dust, sticky vibes, and hugs to you all!
I just want to send a quick shout out to my new supporters (followers seems like a weird name)!! Thanks for joining my crazy train! I hope to provide you humor and support as this journey continues. Happy to have you and don't hesitate to comment. :)
For you all today....I have some ramblings. Enjoy...or not...
Rambling #1: My mom and I were on a castle tour a few weeks ago. There was a secret passage way and a huge group of people came out before we were allowed in. We were all joking that they were in there long enough to reproduce...and the guy says (as we are walking in)..."How many do you think you could have?" or something like that. Obviously, he doesn't know what I'm going through...but it still stung a little. Because the answer was 0. We need significant help to have a baby. Making love no longer has that added mystery of "maybe we will make a baby tonight" or "am I even ovulating right now?" Unfortunately, I have to just smile and nod or laugh off such comments because he didn't know.
Rambling #2: I love kids and I have been babysitting A LOT lately. Is this a good thing for me to be doing? Sometimes I wonder if I'm helping myself to heal in some way or living vicariously? I think a little bit of both. The kids I babysit for are not babies,...3-8yrs old is usually the norm. Sometimes they play with their siblings or alone....but a lot of times I like to play with them as well. We do crafts, I even buy them little things on occasion. Just a few nights ago we got tattoos. Well, they were temporary! I'm not crazy! lol But we made muffins that didn't turn out right, played hide and seek in the dark, challenged each other with the Wii, and so much more. Then I would tuck them in and say good night after reading a bedtime story. A little taste of parenthood...but I got to go home to my own bed. I didn't have to get up early when they did or take them to school or brush their bed head...
I know we all want a baby....but I look forward to having a kid too. Not being able to do those little things with my own children (yet)...brings tears to my eyes. So back to my question....am I just a glutton for punishment or is this somewhat helping me??
Rambling #3: My thoughts on children and parenthood have changed over the last 4 months. Wait....4 months? It's only been a little over 4 months that my life has been completely turned upside down by IF??? How can that be??? It feels like forever! A lot has happened over the last 4 months....
1 BRAIN MRI
7 or more internal ultrasounds
1 IUI
Countless blood tests
2 Semen analysis plus 1 deposit for the IUI
3-4 consultations with the RE
90+ Pills (1 everyday except when I was technically pregnant)
1 HSG
1 rubella vaccination
20+ Pads
Gosh...so much more..
But back to what I was saying ...nah, I will make it Rambling #4.
Rambling #4...Okay back to my ideas and thoughts about motherhood etc changing.... I know I would make a good mom because my mom is the best. So I had a good role model. :) Actually, my mom is now one of my best friends. I want that with my future kids. She'll go to Legoland with me on my 26th birthday or just see a movie with me. She tells me things I don't always want to hear and vise versa. Sometimes I forget she's my mom first and my friend second. My relationship with her has always been good but I think it's the best ever since I've "grown up". I use those words loosely because frankly...I am a big kid at heart.
If you know me or my mom...or preferably both of us... you know that we are A LOT alike. I used to think that was kind of a negative thing, but it's really not. I know what parts of me are like my dad but I am overall mostly like my mom. This has come to be a good thing. She's a very special person and I couldn't do this all without her.
I think it sometimes upsets her to talk about it because she is looking forward to being a grandmother. She will be an AWESOME grandma. I cannot wait for my kids to have my parents (and hubby's parents) as grandparents. I want this for her too. I want to call her at 2am and ask her silly questions I could have googled or watch her cry as she holds our baby for the first time. I actually asked her if she would be in the delivery room with me and DH...if it's allowed. She said she'd love to. I don't know if I will ever get my chance to do this or how many times she will have this chance...but I hope one day it will happen.
Did I get off topic again? LOL Wow...I shall wipe my tears and continue....
Rambling #5: My thoughts on being a mom weren't really developed before all of this. I just knew that I wanted kids because I love them and it was a part of life. Through this experience I have learned a lot more about my own feelings and even hubby's. Here are my Top 5 Reasons Why I Want to Have Children.
#5: Legacy...We all want a part of ourselves or family name etc, to live on. To me this is a very small reason but I'm including it anyways.
#4: Someone to Teach and Watch Grow. They are our future, right? :)
#3:This kind of goes with #4 but... Experiencing life through the eyes of a child. Watching their eyes light up at Christmas or their first day of school. I could go on and on about all of the things I hope for my kids. I had a great childhood so I hope to give that to them as well.
#2: I love kids. I am a teacher, a babysitter, a big kid myself. Enough said. Plus, they say some of the FUNNIEST things ever!
#1: My mom (and Dad). My relationships with them inspire me more than ever to do the same for someone else one day. I've learned so much, been loved so much, and generally know that I could be great by just being half as good as them. My hubby probably feels somewhat like this too, but this is my blog. So I love his family, but I'm just going to delve into mine. :)
Some of these reasons might sound a little selfish...and I guess I can't really express everything exactly how I mean it...but I tried. I hope it was conveyed okay.
Ramblings #6: Babies and kids don't really upset me all that much when I see them. Sometimes a pregnant lady or multiple of them can cause a twinge or jealousy....but usually..they don't. I don't know why this is. Most people going through IF really have a hard time running into people who are pregnant or little babies. Sometimes, I admit, that I steer clear of them or pretend that it was hard for them and therefore I can't be jealous.
I think it's harder at the doctor's office to hear people get congratulations or high beta tests. A couple had a 400 recently and that did sting a little...especially when the nurse told them she thought it was a sign for twins. I know my time is coming...or at least I hope it is...but ugh...The in between is torture. Even more so when I was so close only to find out that it was abnormal, not viable, or whatever you want to call it. Paint it anyway you want...but the result was the same.
Well, I think I am going to stop there for now. This turned into a long post so thanks if you read it all. :)
I hope to have some positive news to share tomorrow. Cross your fingers!
Baby dust, sticky vibes, and hugs to you all!
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