Set Your GPS to Uterus, USA

Hi blog friends!

I guess it is time to update you again!

Well, Friday was the big day. DH did not sleep well, and claims that was the reasoning for his count being lower than last time.

The kind nurse, Sue, reminded me that it was enough, and they were giving the spermies GPS. LOL That did make me feel better. After all, like she said, it only takes one. I just hope they aren't directionally challenged like me!

So the IUI was again painless...just a little awkward. Sue was nice and told me when she was going to do something. The only thing that worried me a little was that she said it looked like I had ovulated. She said it was a good thing, but then she asked if we had intercourse after we did the trigger shot. Since we had, she said it was okay and we were just making sure someone was there for the egg.

To me, it seemed like we could've missed our chance. I really hope not! Hopefully one of the many spermies was able to get there in time!

There's no way to know for sure until Dec. 8th when I do my pregnancy test. I realize it's not the full 14 days but I guess that just means it's less of a wait...

So fingers crossed, etc....I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's a huge deal that we can't control. ugh.

On different note....

I think I am scared to be pregnant.

I know that seems strange coming from someone who is going through all of this to get pregnant. Perhaps it's because being pregnant is a big responsibility and all...and a toll on your body.

If I get a great BFP, I will be ecstatic but probably more in denial that anything. Having a baby has always seemed like something someone else would do or wasn't for a long time. I definitely see myself needing time to adjust to it being real.

Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. Didn't I JUST say I was trying not to think about it too much?!

Anyways, there is so much that is scary but I think it's exciting too. Hopefully I will have good, solid news in 9 days.

9 days?! Wow...

Oh, and this time around I have definitely talked about it less. Last time it was sooo hard to get people excited only to let them down a few weeks later. Truthfully, I think they got themselves worked up because they were trying to be positive for me and it IS an exciting thing...However, I don't think anyone really realizes how devastating it all is unless you're going through it first hand.

The dreaded question for me right now is "sooooo how do you feel?"

I usually just say I feel fine but don't read into things. That is how I got in trouble before. Not in trouble literally..just in the sense that I got my hopes up a LOT. Last year and the beginning of this year was a whole lot of ups and downs.

One month I would be 9 days late...but nothing. Another month it was my boobs and my bladder...but nothing.. Then another month it would be this or that. I think you get my point.

I probably asked God at one point or another to help me know for sure and to make things more clear. I really didn't mean for Him to give me a condition or whatever that requires me to be monitored constantly by the nurses/doctors. That wasn't really what I had in mind. lol However, I will say that it does take away a lot of the doubt and questioning. Go figure.

There were so many "ifs" and everything that it would drive me nuts. And then it would cause me to be depressed when I got my period. There wasn't always a strand of hope but when there was....oh...I was so happy.

Only to be let down in the worst way.

Hubby doesn't really get this. His desire for children is definitely not like mine. I guess more women than men have that urge...but still...Sometimes I wish he would want it just as badly. Maybe then he would understand how one little comment or one negative line ...means more than he thinks.

I also think sometimes he feels like this is JUST happening or that we're rushing into something. Okay...first of all, we haven't been using any type of birth control for over 2 yrs. We weren't careful and there were several months we actually "tried".

Yet he somehow thinks this is something new. Perhaps he feels this way because it's becoming more and more a possibility. He makes jokes but I think it's just because he's scared.

I'm scared too. I might be freaking out about actually being pregnant, knowing how to care for a baby, and then being a good parent while he or she grows up. Yeah, I do freak out. I don't always talk about it or show it......but oh yeah, it's there.

I even acknowledge that there will be days or moments when I ask myself, "Why did I want this?!" Mostly that is because it will be hard. I freak out about that too.

However, I am more scared that we will never have a child of our own. I know that we can get through the other scary parts together or with support from family and friends.

In my wildest dreams, or moments of paranoia, did I ever think we would have a hard time getting pregnant. I thought that would have been the easy, fun part.

No such luck.

I may be scared, nervous, and sometimes a little unsure...but I know what the big picture is. I know the end game so to speak. That's what I have in my mind every time there's a needle shoved in my arm, or someone looking at my crotch. (I really don't like that part!)

Just get me to that goal...and I will tackle anything between here and there.

Okay I think that's enough rambling for today. I'm in need of some tacos or something. :)

Thank you for reading and encouraging me to keep going. I really, really appreciate it.

Sometimes you are the only ones I can really talk to about this.

*hugs*