The Vagina Monoblogs

Wow! It's actually been awhile since I've updated. I guess it's because nothing with IF has really happened. Sure, I think about things I could write, but then I try to write it...and nothing comes out. I'm somewhat numb but reality will be here tomorrow at 2pm. We have our reconsultation meeting with our RE tomorrow. We will find out what's next, if anything, etc...I'm a little nervous because I'm afraid he's going to make us wait longer or do more testing. I don't want to wait longer and I REALLY don't want to do a HSG again.

I just want to send a quick shout out to my new supporters (followers seems like a weird name)!! Thanks for joining my crazy train! I hope to provide you humor and support as this journey continues. Happy to have you and don't hesitate to comment. :)

For you all today....I have some ramblings. Enjoy...or not...


Rambling #1: My mom and I were on a castle tour a few weeks ago. There was a secret passage way and a huge group of people came out before we were allowed in. We were all joking that they were in there long enough to reproduce...and the guy says (as we are walking in)..."How many do you think you could have?" or something like that. Obviously, he doesn't know what I'm going through...but it still stung a little. Because the answer was 0. We need significant help to have a baby. Making love no longer has that added mystery of "maybe we will make a baby tonight" or "am I even ovulating right now?" Unfortunately, I have to just smile and nod or laugh off such comments because he didn't know.

Rambling #2: I love kids and I have been babysitting A LOT lately. Is this a good thing for me to be doing? Sometimes I wonder if I'm helping myself to heal in some way or living vicariously? I think a little bit of both. The kids I babysit for are not babies,...3-8yrs old is usually the norm. Sometimes they play with their siblings or alone....but a lot of times I like to play with them as well. We do crafts, I even buy them little things on occasion. Just a few nights ago we got tattoos. Well, they were temporary! I'm not crazy! lol But we made muffins that didn't turn out right, played hide and seek in the dark, challenged each other with the Wii, and so much more. Then I would tuck them in and say good night after reading a bedtime story. A little taste of parenthood...but I got to go home to my own bed. I didn't have to get up early when they did or take them to school or brush their bed head...

I know we all want a baby....but I look forward to having a kid too. Not being able to do those little things with my own children (yet)...brings tears to my eyes. So back to my question....am I just a glutton for punishment or is this somewhat helping me??

Rambling #3: My thoughts on children and parenthood have changed over the last 4 months. Wait....4 months? It's only been a little over 4 months that my life has been completely turned upside down by IF??? How can that be??? It feels like forever! A lot has happened over the last 4 months....

1 BRAIN MRI
7 or more internal ultrasounds
1 IUI
Countless blood tests
2 Semen analysis plus 1 deposit for the IUI
3-4 consultations with the RE
90+ Pills (1 everyday except when I was technically pregnant)
1 HSG
1 rubella vaccination
20+ Pads
Gosh...so much more..

But back to what I was saying ...nah, I will make it Rambling #4.

Rambling #4...Okay back to my ideas and thoughts about motherhood etc changing.... I know I would make a good mom because my mom is the best. So I had a good role model. :) Actually, my mom is now one of my best friends. I want that with my future kids. She'll go to Legoland with me on my 26th birthday or just see a movie with me. She tells me things I don't always want to hear and vise versa. Sometimes I forget she's my mom first and my friend second. My relationship with her has always been good but I think it's the best ever since I've "grown up". I use those words loosely because frankly...I am a big kid at heart.

If you know me or my mom...or preferably both of us... you know that we are A LOT alike. I used to think that was kind of a negative thing, but it's really not. I know what parts of me are like my dad but I am overall mostly like my mom. This has come to be a good thing. She's a very special person and I couldn't do this all without her.

I think it sometimes upsets her to talk about it because she is looking forward to being a grandmother. She will be an AWESOME grandma. I cannot wait for my kids to have my parents (and hubby's parents) as grandparents. I want this for her too. I want to call her at 2am and ask her silly questions I could have googled or watch her cry as she holds our baby for the first time. I actually asked her if she would be in the delivery room with me and DH...if it's allowed. She said she'd love to. I don't know if I will ever get my chance to do this or how many times she will have this chance...but I hope one day it will happen.

Did I get off topic again? LOL Wow...I shall wipe my tears and continue....

Rambling #5: My thoughts on being a mom weren't really developed before all of this. I just knew that I wanted kids because I love them and it was a part of life. Through this experience I have learned a lot more about my own feelings and even hubby's. Here are my Top 5 Reasons Why I Want to Have Children.

#5: Legacy...We all want a part of ourselves or family name etc, to live on. To me this is a very small reason but I'm including it anyways.


#4: Someone to Teach and Watch Grow. They are our future, right? :)

#3:This kind of goes with #4 but... Experiencing life through the eyes of a child. Watching their eyes light up at Christmas or their first day of school. I could go on and on about all of the things I hope for my kids. I had a great childhood so I hope to give that to them as well.

#2: I love kids. I am a teacher, a babysitter, a big kid myself. Enough said. Plus, they say some of the FUNNIEST things ever!

#1: My mom (and Dad). My relationships with them inspire me more than ever to do the same for someone else one day. I've learned so much, been loved so much, and generally know that I could be great by just being half as good as them. My hubby probably feels somewhat like this too, but this is my blog. So I love his family, but I'm just going to delve into mine. :)

Some of these reasons might sound a little selfish...and I guess I can't really express everything exactly how I mean it...but I tried. I hope it was conveyed okay.

Ramblings #6: Babies and kids don't really upset me all that much when I see them. Sometimes a pregnant lady or multiple of them can cause a twinge or jealousy....but usually..they don't. I don't know why this is. Most people going through IF really have a hard time running into people who are pregnant or little babies. Sometimes, I admit, that I steer clear of them or pretend that it was hard for them and therefore I can't be jealous.

I think it's harder at the doctor's office to hear people get congratulations or high beta tests. A couple had a 400 recently and that did sting a little...especially when the nurse told them she thought it was a sign for twins. I know my time is coming...or at least I hope it is...but ugh...The in between is torture. Even more so when I was so close only to find out that it was abnormal, not viable, or whatever you want to call it. Paint it anyway you want...but the result was the same.


Well, I think I am going to stop there for now. This turned into a long post so thanks if you read it all. :)

I hope to have some positive news to share tomorrow. Cross your fingers!

Baby dust, sticky vibes, and hugs to you all!