My heart aches.....

BCPs and PMS???

I started BCP on Wednesday after my appointment. I swear I was one grouchy lady all day on Thursday and somewhat on Friday. WOW. My DH was part of it on Thurs I suppose and the frustration going on with a bunch of things. But DAMN.....I was a biatch.

I couldn't stop it. I should also mention I was probably going on very little sleep too which didn't help. But I certainly hope my bcps aren't causing severe PMS. lol

It seemed to subside after I got some rest and had a change of scenery. My mom, her friend, and I were at a craft show all day yesterday trying to sell our stuff. :)

So if anyone has a baby girl shower to go to and needs some adorable cupcake socks (baby socks in the shape of cupcakes), let me know. :)

We have more than that too...but anyways...

Our whole IF life resides in one person's hands right now. I debated on whether or not I should write about this but frankly...it will be less shocking when I announce we are stopping the IVF process in the next few days if I mention it now.

Now to be clear, I HOPE and PRAY that everything works out and we're able to continue this cycle without interruption to our insurance, etc...BUT ....

Right now...it's looking like a long shot.

There's really too much to type regarding the background of this whole situation. I even get confused myself and I'm frickin' living it!!

So let's just say for sanity's sake... that...the next few days are vital. I hope God helps this man look deep into his heart and understand our plight. Then, I hope God whispers in his ear to help us....help us make our baby dreams come true.

Through the IUIs, we kind of just went through the motions not knowing if we'd get preggers or not. I always thought it was my DH but it was me too. At least for the first one. After them failing and not knowing if they'd ever work...a lot changed on how we looked at this all.

Personally, I feel like I've always understood the severity and seriousness of what we're doing. DH didn't always express himself about it but usually had a "if it happens, it happens" mentality. At least that's what he wanted me to think, ya know?

But now...when everything seems to be riding on one decision or right now with the start of the IVF process...it's definitely become more and more serious for both of us.

Not only do we not know if we CAN do IVF, we are more and more aware that the possibility of nothing working and not having our own biological family....is devastating.

*Takes a deep breath*

It's hard to imagine that I WILL be pregnant someday. It feels like it's going to take forever. But it's even harder to imagine, and unbearable, to think we will never have children.

Cross your fingers, toes, whatever you can...please. Pray for me as I will pray for you. Baby dust to all...I hope I have good news for you soon!

And PS...HI to my new followers. Nice to see ya!!

Beware the wrath of my uterus!!!

Next Baby Step... Here I Come

Wow...I have been a slacker lately. Sorry....I guess I'm still having some problems expressing myself right now. Plus, there hasn't been too much going on in the world of IF.

I never thought we would be here...in this place...needing drugs and needles and doctors to make a baby. But we are...and it's going to start soon.

First step is birth control pills. I should start those this week and take them for 10-21 days. After that I'm a little vague on the details. I don't know what's going to happen.

I'm scared I won't react well to the meds.

I'm scared something is going to happen with our insurance and put a stop to our IVF plan.

I'm scared I won't have enough eggs.

I'm scared it won't work.

I've always loved kids. Kids have been the main driving force in my career choices and activities outside of work. I babysit, I "parent", I go to hockey games and dance recitals (of kids I used to taught and/or still babysit). I scour the baby aisles and clearance for my niece.

Everything has always revolved around OTHER people's kids.

And over the last few years/8 months, it seems like it's starting to revolve around trying to have one of our own.

I know some people think I'm obsessive...and really I'm not. I've been good about it for last month or so because there hasn't been much to talk about. But going through this experience requires a certain level of commitment, don't you think?

I can 't walk around not thinking about it or not caring.  THAT would be crazy.

I want a baby and I can't have one the "normal" way.

SO sue me if it bothers you that this has taken over parts of my life.

I never wanted it to be this way. Hubby doesn't  want it to be this way either. Trust me, he'd rather "practice" and do the baby dance instead.

But....it's not in the cards right now. We need divine intervention and meds.

The funny thing is I am babysitting overnight for two nights. On Tuesday morning I will probably have to get them off to school and then literally run to the doctor's office to do my blood work and ultrasound before they give me the go ahead for the BCP. Should make for an interesting morning.

Again...someone ELSE's kids....that I love.

But I have so much more love to give...to my own children.

Hopefully this is it...

Hopefully this is what we've been waiting for... :)

But on the other hand, like they say....be careful what you wish for. :) Just 1 or 2 healthy happy babies please!!

Baby dust to us all :)

Looking Back, Periods, and Waiting

My last post talks about having a weird period over a year ago....before we knew anything was going on.

Now it seems this month has been weird as well. I don't know what the heck is up with my body this month.

Feb. 4th, we got the bad news that IUI #3 didn't work.

Feb. 5th, I got my period...and was very sick for a few days after.

Feb. 18th, I had light brown spotting that almost completely disappeared the next day.

Feb. 23, I have brownish spotting again. I called into the doctor's office concerned that we have nothing ready for the IVF cycle we're about to do ...and I'm worried I am getting my period earlier than expected. The nurse tells me I am about a week or more early and I should wait until it's day 1 of full flow. Great. Now I get to play the waiting game. She's not my favorite nurse, but she certainly isn't bad. I just wish she had been a tad more understanding.

This is a big deal to me.

I've had significant periods in my life...Like the first one while I was on vacation with my grandma, aunt, and sister. I thought something awful was happening to me. I hid my dirty laundry only to have my mom (gasp) find it later. She knew right away what it was and wondered why I hadn't told my aunt or grandma. I thought I was dying! Not something I wanted to share over a vacation. Luckily, I can look back on that and laugh.

Once in middle school ( WARNING TMI MOMENT APPROACHING)....I had a HORRIBLE period right in the middle of science class. It was everywhere. This was so traumatic that I have suppressed most of the memory. I remember wearing this awful Lion King outfit. That is STILL one of my fave movies but how I left the house in that outfit...I do not know. lol Anyways, I remember my dad picking me up from school...that's how bad it was. Sometimes I hope it was a bad dream but it's too vivid and embarrassing.

Every period I got after the age of 17 and when I started "doing it" lol was a relief. I was in love with my high school boyfriend and we were just having fun. But knowing what I know now, THANK GOD we didn't have a pregnancy scare or actually had a baby. Back then there were moments I thought about marrying him...I did...but omgoodness...I am SO glad that didn't happen. So, every month when that week rolled around, we breathed a sigh of relief. We were always careful....but that's what most people say.

The year of 2009, almost every period was depressing. I was no longer on birth control and frankly we weren't preventing a baby at all. We were trying here and there. Some months more seriously and some months just having fun and seeing what happens. There was one in particular that really upset me though. It was in April and I had what the books say is "implantation" bleeding. Exactly what the book says. Then a week before I was going to take a pregnancy test, I got my period. Or what I thought was my period.

I was devastated. I remember calling my mom and crying on the phone. True, I didn't know for sure anything was going on there but it felt like a missed opportunity.

Flash forward to 2010...and I started having weird periods. I go to the doctor and have blood work done. Sure enough...something IS wrong.

Now I am about 8 months of pills, 1 brain MRI, countless ultrasounds and blood tests, 3 IUIs later....and waiting for what will probably be the most important period of my life. Period as in time as well as in menstral cycle.

And this nurse wants me to wait.

Okay....sure...

I guess I've waited this long....a little more waiting won't hurt.

Yeah, right.

Another One Bites the Dust

I just logged into my Myspace account for the first time in over a year. I stick to Facebook nowadays. It was getting to be too much having both. Anyways, I found the following entry. To me, this is interesting because it was a little less than a year before I found out about what was going on. Such a weird thing to have foreshadowed....

August 2009

I have a wonderful mother...who has become one of my best friends. So I guess it's not that strange that I would want to be a mother. At this point, I'm married and have a pretty good life. Jobwise it could be better but I don't know when the "right" time will be. Does anyone? I just know that I continue to get my heart broken. Recently I had the WEIRDEST period EVER! I had every pregnancy sign including sore and tender breasts and I was craving cheeseburgers. All points and signs lead me to believe this could be the month...the month I found out I was pregnant. My period was a few days late and as luck would have it...5 days later...I'm heartbroken again. The blood flow was weird and the way I felt was weird but the stick didn't have two lines. Does that mean its foolproof? No but I think I'm done with disappointment for today. We haven't been trying but we havent been preventing it either. So...I don't know. Seems like I may have had my hopes too high this time around. I hope nothing is wrong with being able to conceive or stay pregnant. I guess it's just the way it goes. I can't listen to my body though because it lies or misleads me. I guess there's always next month....


The weird thing is...not much as changed. Yes, we know what we're faced with now....but it's amazing how far we've come and yet how we're still in the same place.

I'd like to add something...I commented on someone else's blog and I thought I should post it as a reminder for later.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't even need a place [retreat for IF patients] like that. No one would have problems having babies.

But this isn't a perfect world...and frankly, going through all of this sucks. But hope is all I have. What you said makes sense, but faith, love, and hope are really important right now.

People in all sorts of situations are able to have hope and I have to remind myself sometimes to have that hope. I can't let it slip away. I can't give up.

I want this too damn badly to do that.

So on a day when I feel completely hopeless....I can look back and see my own words...and know that I was right.... I need to have hope. Always.

Girl Scouts Did NOT Prepare Me For This

It's been a week since our news of the 3rd failed IUI. A lot has happened in the world of IF in that week. Let me begin with the silver lining....

Last weekend I went to a dress fitting for one of my best friends. It was a lot of fun and I felt okay. However, somewhere during lunch I started not feeling well. I ended up in bed totally feeling sicker than I have in a long time. Sunday I was having the craziest flashes of being so cold I couldn't get warm to being so hot I went and stood in the garage with my pjs on. I actually went to see the doctor on Monday. I thought it was something like a sinus infection (based on how my head feels/felt that it wants to explode). He said it could be something viral because of my fever. I love how when you go to the doc, you feel better than you did when you called for the appointment and your "horrible fever" turns out to be 99.6. Go figure.

Unfortunately due to my bromocriptine (which is apparently some heavy duty stuff), he  actually told me I was SOL. And I replied, "You're not going to give me any drugs?!"

He did "prescribe" me some OTC Mucinex without a decongestant. I can't have that...

So I've been suffering through this sinus or viral or whatever infection. I also got Aunt Flo on Saturday. Double whammy.

So back to the silver lining....I hate being sick but being this sick after finding out I was FINALLY pregnant would have made me even more nuts. I would have been worried and wouldn't be able to take anything anyways.

Maybe it was a good thing....

Tuesday was our RE consultation. I did suffer through that. I felt a little better and I was not about to wait another week or so to find out what we had to do. I was afraid he was going to tell us we're SOL too. But to me, this was the best consultation we've ever had. I even liked the RE more than I ever had.

I told DH in the car that they would probably do an ultrasound....and they did. Remember....I did  get my lovely period. So well....it was just gross. But it's nothing to me anymore to strip half way down and spread my legs open. LOL

They were checking my ovaries. They look good apparently. I did have a pesky residual follicle or two. But that wasn't worrying them in the least.

After that, we talked to the doctor. In a nutshell, he told us he understood that it's a stressful time that we're going through, and that it's been almost 3 years that we've been trying.

So he suggested IVF.

When we got married and even before, when we talked about having kids, this was never in our vocabulary. I don't think anyone really PLANS on going through fertility treatments to get pregnant let alone having to depend on it.

Yes...this is the only way we're going to have a baby that is biologically ours and will allow me to be pregnant.

Yes, there is A HUGE risk of twins or more. But some people only have singletons. I know several people who only had 1 baby after doing IVF. Some have none.

Yes, it is a LOT of drugs. The doc said "it's a lot of shots. Get over it." LOL

But our combination of issues right now is not allowing it happen naturally or with extra help (IUI). Now we are faced with the next step....or rather....next plunge.

I thought I would be more upset by this or devastated knowing that this is our last hope kind of thing....but I find myself more optimistic. I left that meeting on Tuesday with a new plan. A hopeful plan.

Sure I am scared as hell because I've read good and bad things about IVF. I don't like taking shots if I don't have to, but I have to...so it's my first duty as a future mom.

Bring it on.

For those of you who get confused with the differences between IUI and IVF....let me give you a simple distinction.

IUI they are just inserting sperm so they bypass a lot of the "hard part" of getting to the egg. The rest is up to your body.

IVF is when you purposefully pump your body full of meds to get as many eggs as possible. Then they harvest them, inject the sperm into the egg and then hope a lot of them become embryos. If some do, they put them back in you and hope your body lets them implant in your uterus.

We also have to decide if we want to freeze the remaining eggs, who gets custody of them in we die, divorce, or one of us dies.

Pretty heavy duty stuff. Our consent form is 21 pages.

Sounds like some crazy stuff, huh? Well...it is. There a ton of risks to me and the baby or babies. There are tons of appointments, it's REALLY expensive, etc.

Every shot is planned out and monitored and carefully calculated. The retrieval and the implanting is down to a science.

But it all can go up in smoke at any moment. If my body doesn't respond like it needs to, it could be cancelled. If we miss the timeline for something, it could be cancelled. If none of the embies survive, it can be cancelled.

And even if everything works out perfectly....it could still result in no baby.

We are taking a huge risk. But it's the only thing we can do right now if we want to start a family.

First thing is birth control pills for 10-21 days starting in March when I get my period again. I know that sounds strange but we're telling my body what to do. We're getting it on OUR schedule so we can tell it when not to ovulate and then when to do this or that.

I'm just trying to take it one step at a time. We got our insurance clearance. Over $13,000 is covered but we have to pay for all the meds. I don't know the amount for that yet but it could be in the thousands.

DH assures me he is in it with me and along for the crazy ride....so here we go!