This song is usually meant for meeting your significant other but I think it has to do with having a child too. Well minus the "lover" part. lol
God Bless the Broken Road
By Rascal Flatts
"Bless The Broken Road"
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]
Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
The message in this song is something I try to remember when I'm having a hard time through this experience. Perhaps one or two of you might find similar comfort in the main meaning of this song. I plan on telling my baby one day "God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you". :)
And hey, it's a LOT better than "it happens for a reason" or "if it's meant to be, it will be". We have to be positive and find hope in knowing that it might not happen how we'd like it to, but it can happen...in it's own way and time. Wow...I really need to follow my own advice more often. lol
On an another note, I went for my check up today and have ANOTHER cyst. I won't know until 3pm if I can go ahead with the Clomid cycle or not. It depends on whether or not it's producing hormones or something. This seems to happen every time I'm about to do a cycle. Weird.
Anyways, happy Tuesday!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
New Year, New Hope
Like the new look? :) I felt like a change was needed. New year and all that.
This is going to be a very random blog post because frankly that's how it is in my head. Careful...you are entering dangerous territory. lol
I just realized it's been almost a month since my last post. Sadly, this is not from a lack of trying. I've seriously logged on a few times, read a few other blogs, and then sat at the computer staring at the screen. It was like I was waiting for the words to hit me. But I didn't have any.
Actually, that's not true.
I have lots and lots of words to say but they are hard to organize. Hence why this is going to be a very random type of blog.
I'm sure those of you reading this have had similar experiences. Sometimes you just can't express the pain, the anxiety, the excitement, etc. Everything gets jumbled up.
I've even come up with different blog headings or things to talk about. When I come to write it, I just can't get it out. I honestly think this is all affecting me more than I lead anyone to believe.
Last month, as you may have read, nothing happened. The IUI completely failed. This was after my first one "sorta" worked but ended up not being viable.
I do not call it a miscarriage as the nurse told me that's not what it was. But I do find it hard to understand.
Why doesn't it work? Why can it be sooo easy for some people and for others it doesn't happen at all? Why can it try to work one month and then the next time completely fail?
I addressed some of those possible reasons last time so I won't get into them again. It just baffles me though.
Now I'm on the verge of my 3rd IUI hoping and praying for the best. We don't know how much longer we have to be able to try because of our insurance. Our insurance only covers certain things and we might have to change in a few months.
This is when the panic sets in. Then I find myself telling ...well...myself that I need to calm down; stress isn't going to help.
But then sometimes my optimism stresses me out. I don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up too high.
One positive thing since the last post is that I have my apnea more under control. I'm hoping this will be better for when we're doing the IUI. Maybe it will stick this time. Stopping oxygen from my blood and lack of breathing in my sleep is probably not good for conception, embryo, etc.
So now I'm Mrs. Darth Vader. lol
I spent a lot of time with my 14 month (now...13months then) niece over Christmas. We went to KY to visit my husband's family. Luckily I was able to spend time with my sis-in-law and Emma.
I love Emma. She is so much fun. She's even more so since she's walking and talking more. We played and she entertained us. I found myself thinking about Christmas 2011. Will she have a cousin from us?
She fills my heart with SO much joy that sometimes it's overwhelming. Then sometimes I look at her or play with her and think about our troubles and how much we want a baby of our own. It can bring me to tears.
Will I always be just a cool aunt? Or will I be a mommy too?
I will NEVER stop loving her or wanting to be her auntie. I love seeing her and spending time with her. No matter what happens I will always love her.
It's not realistic for me not to WANT a baby though or to think those things while I'm with her. My DH's family doesn't know anything about our troubles or trying to conceive, so he just kept saying "she's on a baby kick". I guess there is truth to that but it's WAY more than just that.
Anyways...sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment.
Some of my FAVORITE shows revolves around pregnancy and/or babies.
Teen Mom 1 and 2, Raising Sextuplets, Quints by Surprise, 16 and Pregnant, Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really helping me or hurting me by watching these shows. I'm not against being with or seeing kids or babies. In fact, I love them. They're my passion, my job, etc.
But going through IF and then watching teenagers get pregnant after having sex once...I won't lie...it gets to me sometimes. I still watch it though. I actually DVR it.
I usually get through them without breaking down. I know there are people who can't even watch them. I hope I don't get to that point. To me, that's when I don't have hope it will ever happen for us.
I'm not there yet. And I don't want to be. At the same time though, this could be our last chance for a long time. That scares me. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself or the situation, but I can't help it.
Day 1 started today and I had to call the voicemail for the nurses. I should hear from someone tomorrow and have an appointment for Tuesday. After that I will know if we are good to go or not. I've had cysts before. Luckily they don't turn out to be bad, but there's always that risk.
My DH goes from worried to saying things about baby names to be freaking out again to talking about baby proofing the house.
It's hard to talk to him about it sometimes because he flip flops so much. It's understandable I guess. It's just hard for me to get him to understand the "woman's" POV.
I was at a little get together on Friday night and it came out why it was the last weekend I could drink (I'm talking 1 glass of wine too, btw). The hostess said (after joking we could have our reality show Hubby and Me+ 10) "Isn't it amazing the stress/fear and love you have for something that's not even here?"
That's not a direct quote but it was something like that. To me, that's how it is. She related it to my DH too because I was telling her NOOO we can't have a reality show. HE WILL FREAK OUT! We're hoping for ONE healthy baby. :)
There are times that twins sound great and people think "how cute" will that be. But if you look at it logically, that's a LOT more than just having one.
At this point, I am okay with one happy and healthy boy or girl. The gender doesn't even matter to me/us.
It's nerve racking to have these many feelings about someone who is just a hope, a dream for now. Just thinking about it I want to cry, laugh, and smile at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I might freak out...and it's amazing that just the THOUGHT having a child makes me feel this way.
I can't wait until he or she is here. I'm going to be in love and worried 24/7!
But that's okay. He or she will be worth it 1 million %,
Here's hoping that 2011 is a GREAT baby year for all of us who are waiting for our blessings.
:)
This is going to be a very random blog post because frankly that's how it is in my head. Careful...you are entering dangerous territory. lol
I just realized it's been almost a month since my last post. Sadly, this is not from a lack of trying. I've seriously logged on a few times, read a few other blogs, and then sat at the computer staring at the screen. It was like I was waiting for the words to hit me. But I didn't have any.
Actually, that's not true.
I have lots and lots of words to say but they are hard to organize. Hence why this is going to be a very random type of blog.
I'm sure those of you reading this have had similar experiences. Sometimes you just can't express the pain, the anxiety, the excitement, etc. Everything gets jumbled up.
I've even come up with different blog headings or things to talk about. When I come to write it, I just can't get it out. I honestly think this is all affecting me more than I lead anyone to believe.
Last month, as you may have read, nothing happened. The IUI completely failed. This was after my first one "sorta" worked but ended up not being viable.
I do not call it a miscarriage as the nurse told me that's not what it was. But I do find it hard to understand.
Why doesn't it work? Why can it be sooo easy for some people and for others it doesn't happen at all? Why can it try to work one month and then the next time completely fail?
I addressed some of those possible reasons last time so I won't get into them again. It just baffles me though.
Now I'm on the verge of my 3rd IUI hoping and praying for the best. We don't know how much longer we have to be able to try because of our insurance. Our insurance only covers certain things and we might have to change in a few months.
This is when the panic sets in. Then I find myself telling ...well...myself that I need to calm down; stress isn't going to help.
But then sometimes my optimism stresses me out. I don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up too high.
One positive thing since the last post is that I have my apnea more under control. I'm hoping this will be better for when we're doing the IUI. Maybe it will stick this time. Stopping oxygen from my blood and lack of breathing in my sleep is probably not good for conception, embryo, etc.
So now I'm Mrs. Darth Vader. lol
I spent a lot of time with my 14 month (now...13months then) niece over Christmas. We went to KY to visit my husband's family. Luckily I was able to spend time with my sis-in-law and Emma.
I love Emma. She is so much fun. She's even more so since she's walking and talking more. We played and she entertained us. I found myself thinking about Christmas 2011. Will she have a cousin from us?
She fills my heart with SO much joy that sometimes it's overwhelming. Then sometimes I look at her or play with her and think about our troubles and how much we want a baby of our own. It can bring me to tears.
Will I always be just a cool aunt? Or will I be a mommy too?
I will NEVER stop loving her or wanting to be her auntie. I love seeing her and spending time with her. No matter what happens I will always love her.
It's not realistic for me not to WANT a baby though or to think those things while I'm with her. My DH's family doesn't know anything about our troubles or trying to conceive, so he just kept saying "she's on a baby kick". I guess there is truth to that but it's WAY more than just that.
Anyways...sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment.
Some of my FAVORITE shows revolves around pregnancy and/or babies.
Teen Mom 1 and 2, Raising Sextuplets, Quints by Surprise, 16 and Pregnant, Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really helping me or hurting me by watching these shows. I'm not against being with or seeing kids or babies. In fact, I love them. They're my passion, my job, etc.
But going through IF and then watching teenagers get pregnant after having sex once...I won't lie...it gets to me sometimes. I still watch it though. I actually DVR it.
I usually get through them without breaking down. I know there are people who can't even watch them. I hope I don't get to that point. To me, that's when I don't have hope it will ever happen for us.
I'm not there yet. And I don't want to be. At the same time though, this could be our last chance for a long time. That scares me. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself or the situation, but I can't help it.
Day 1 started today and I had to call the voicemail for the nurses. I should hear from someone tomorrow and have an appointment for Tuesday. After that I will know if we are good to go or not. I've had cysts before. Luckily they don't turn out to be bad, but there's always that risk.
My DH goes from worried to saying things about baby names to be freaking out again to talking about baby proofing the house.
It's hard to talk to him about it sometimes because he flip flops so much. It's understandable I guess. It's just hard for me to get him to understand the "woman's" POV.
I was at a little get together on Friday night and it came out why it was the last weekend I could drink (I'm talking 1 glass of wine too, btw). The hostess said (after joking we could have our reality show Hubby and Me+ 10) "Isn't it amazing the stress/fear and love you have for something that's not even here?"
That's not a direct quote but it was something like that. To me, that's how it is. She related it to my DH too because I was telling her NOOO we can't have a reality show. HE WILL FREAK OUT! We're hoping for ONE healthy baby. :)
There are times that twins sound great and people think "how cute" will that be. But if you look at it logically, that's a LOT more than just having one.
At this point, I am okay with one happy and healthy boy or girl. The gender doesn't even matter to me/us.
It's nerve racking to have these many feelings about someone who is just a hope, a dream for now. Just thinking about it I want to cry, laugh, and smile at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I might freak out...and it's amazing that just the THOUGHT having a child makes me feel this way.
I can't wait until he or she is here. I'm going to be in love and worried 24/7!
But that's okay. He or she will be worth it 1 million %,
Here's hoping that 2011 is a GREAT baby year for all of us who are waiting for our blessings.
:)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Short Term Disappointment
Hello all,
I'm finally discussing what happened. Nothing dramatic this time really...just sucky all around.
Last Wednesday I went to get my blood drawn for the beta test. Two nurses had to poke me 3 times! Needless to say I have a nice bruise. For some reason I have tricky veins. I always blame it on my grandma. She had the same problem.
Sad to say but the poking and soreness was for nothing. Not completely for nothing but pretty much. This time the IUI failed. Let's look at why, shall we?
1. The nurse said I probably already ovulated after she inseminated the sperm. Could have been poor timing.
2. I only had 1 good follicle.
3. DH's sperm count was much lower to lack of sleep, stress (he found out his dad has colon cancer), and not being comfortable in the doctor's office.
4. I did ask for one way or the other. The last time was so hard and hard on my body. I suppose it's better to know at first rather than be given false hope.
It's how I found out that was kind of interesting. The fertility insurance people called me around 2:55pm. I wasn't supposed to call the Patients Results Network (PRN) for the voicemail until 3pm. She tells me if it's okay to put the next cycle of clomid through. I told her that I had a pregnancy test that morning and didn't know the results yet.
Safe to say...she was pretty upset that she was the one to tell me I was not pregnant. She felt bad but called right away because these things have to be processed promptly in order to get the meds before your next cycle.
Ugh.
Part of me wishes I hadn't picked up the phone. I'm sure the insurance lady felt the same way. I told her we had to talk about it and I would call back later.
I finally called the PRN and found out the official bad news...several minutes AFTER 3pm btw. But whatever. The results were the same. It wasn't some mix up that part of my heart was hoping for.
Of course the tears came and talking to the hubby through gurgled words and sobs.
Then I remembered something I heard on The Little Couple. They've been having a really hard time with follicles, etc. Bill said something about it being a "short term disappointment".
I try to remind myself that one day I will be holding that baby telling him or her how hard it was to have them but was worth the wait. I don't want just any baby...I want to have the right baby that was meant for us. Do you ever think if your parents hadn't had you, what that would be like? You wouldn't exist. For some reason 1 egg and 1 special sperm have to be right. I remind myself that it will happen.
Part of that mentality helps me. The other part is knowing that we haven't exhausted all of our options.
I still wonder why it would have sort of worked the first time but not worked at all the second time. Why does IF have to be SO frickin' complicated??? AND WHY DO SOME PEOPLE MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY?! (Not IF...having babies)
*takes a deep breath*
The next step is do our 3rd IUI in January. My dosage of Clomid is going to be increased. The insurance people told me I have 4 IUIs, then some type of shot, and then IVF retrieval.
That gives me some hope. I just hope it doesn't get to that point. We'll see though.
We could have been doing it this month except that the IUI could happen right at Christmas. That would not be good considering we will be in KY visiting my in laws.
Hubby and I decided it would be too stressful to try to make it all work. And sorry, but timed intercourse at your in-laws/parents' house is just not that romantic. lol
As much as I wanted to jump right back in, we're taking a brief break. I think it's the best for all of us.
So much for my Christmas miracle...BUT that doesn't mean I can't have a January miracle or whatever month he or she decides to bless us.
In case I don't make it back on here, Happy Holidays everyone!
I'm finally discussing what happened. Nothing dramatic this time really...just sucky all around.
Last Wednesday I went to get my blood drawn for the beta test. Two nurses had to poke me 3 times! Needless to say I have a nice bruise. For some reason I have tricky veins. I always blame it on my grandma. She had the same problem.
Sad to say but the poking and soreness was for nothing. Not completely for nothing but pretty much. This time the IUI failed. Let's look at why, shall we?
1. The nurse said I probably already ovulated after she inseminated the sperm. Could have been poor timing.
2. I only had 1 good follicle.
3. DH's sperm count was much lower to lack of sleep, stress (he found out his dad has colon cancer), and not being comfortable in the doctor's office.
4. I did ask for one way or the other. The last time was so hard and hard on my body. I suppose it's better to know at first rather than be given false hope.
It's how I found out that was kind of interesting. The fertility insurance people called me around 2:55pm. I wasn't supposed to call the Patients Results Network (PRN) for the voicemail until 3pm. She tells me if it's okay to put the next cycle of clomid through. I told her that I had a pregnancy test that morning and didn't know the results yet.
Safe to say...she was pretty upset that she was the one to tell me I was not pregnant. She felt bad but called right away because these things have to be processed promptly in order to get the meds before your next cycle.
Ugh.
Part of me wishes I hadn't picked up the phone. I'm sure the insurance lady felt the same way. I told her we had to talk about it and I would call back later.
I finally called the PRN and found out the official bad news...several minutes AFTER 3pm btw. But whatever. The results were the same. It wasn't some mix up that part of my heart was hoping for.
Of course the tears came and talking to the hubby through gurgled words and sobs.
Then I remembered something I heard on The Little Couple. They've been having a really hard time with follicles, etc. Bill said something about it being a "short term disappointment".
I try to remind myself that one day I will be holding that baby telling him or her how hard it was to have them but was worth the wait. I don't want just any baby...I want to have the right baby that was meant for us. Do you ever think if your parents hadn't had you, what that would be like? You wouldn't exist. For some reason 1 egg and 1 special sperm have to be right. I remind myself that it will happen.
Part of that mentality helps me. The other part is knowing that we haven't exhausted all of our options.
I still wonder why it would have sort of worked the first time but not worked at all the second time. Why does IF have to be SO frickin' complicated??? AND WHY DO SOME PEOPLE MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY?! (Not IF...having babies)
*takes a deep breath*
The next step is do our 3rd IUI in January. My dosage of Clomid is going to be increased. The insurance people told me I have 4 IUIs, then some type of shot, and then IVF retrieval.
That gives me some hope. I just hope it doesn't get to that point. We'll see though.
We could have been doing it this month except that the IUI could happen right at Christmas. That would not be good considering we will be in KY visiting my in laws.
Hubby and I decided it would be too stressful to try to make it all work. And sorry, but timed intercourse at your in-laws/parents' house is just not that romantic. lol
As much as I wanted to jump right back in, we're taking a brief break. I think it's the best for all of us.
So much for my Christmas miracle...BUT that doesn't mean I can't have a January miracle or whatever month he or she decides to bless us.
In case I don't make it back on here, Happy Holidays everyone!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Waiting Blues and Thinking Pink (lines)
In less than 48 hours I will know the results of our second IUI...
I feel different this time... Not really physically...just mentally. But I'm not sure if I should psych myself up for a let down or still be overly optimistic.
Anxious is definitely how I feel though. Right now...and probably up until I find out.
My body is not a good indicator for anything. I tell myself "it's probably just gas" or "it is probably something I ate" or "it's probably just my PMS" or something...
As badly as I want to be pregnant, and STAY pregnant this time...I have a hard time letting myself believe it's going to happen.
I WANT it to happen so much but I almost feel bad for letting myself be happy thinking about how it would be for the results to be positive.
Why is that???
Fear. Fear of being soo happy in my mind but then finding out the devastating news.
Last time was so close but just not enough. What will (if anything) happen this time around?
Every cycle is different. From the period (haha) before and the period (haha) after....to the emotions, the ups and downs about guessing what is going on with my body...even to how much I tell people.
It's hard enough getting your own hopes up let alone someone else's. Then multiply that by 5 or more...because you just had to blab to everyone. Well...almost everyone.
DH's family still knows absolutely NOTHING. Right now, his dad is going through some hard times. He actually found out he has colon cancer. Tomorrow they are going to remove part of his intestines. :(
Hopefully we will have good news to give him come Wednesday. Well...we probably wouldn't tell them right away anyways. I have a feeling DH will wait til I'm giving birth before he announces the news. LOL
We don't see his family enough where they could catch on. I still say they should know...but only if they will be cool about it.
If they have a problem with how we conceived, then I will have a problem with THEM having a problem! :)
Bad news....if that happens. We'll see.
For now, we just wait.
DH is so random too. He freaks out about stuff one day and then the next he's telling me I need to take better care of myself because we're paying to get pregnant. :) And then a little bit ago, he tells me he's not sure abut the names we like anymore because they're so popular right now.
I definitely cannot read him like a book in regards to baby stuff. But I know he'll be happy when we get our good news.
Crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, or whatever I have to! :)
I feel different this time... Not really physically...just mentally. But I'm not sure if I should psych myself up for a let down or still be overly optimistic.
Anxious is definitely how I feel though. Right now...and probably up until I find out.
My body is not a good indicator for anything. I tell myself "it's probably just gas" or "it is probably something I ate" or "it's probably just my PMS" or something...
As badly as I want to be pregnant, and STAY pregnant this time...I have a hard time letting myself believe it's going to happen.
I WANT it to happen so much but I almost feel bad for letting myself be happy thinking about how it would be for the results to be positive.
Why is that???
Fear. Fear of being soo happy in my mind but then finding out the devastating news.
Last time was so close but just not enough. What will (if anything) happen this time around?
Every cycle is different. From the period (haha) before and the period (haha) after....to the emotions, the ups and downs about guessing what is going on with my body...even to how much I tell people.
It's hard enough getting your own hopes up let alone someone else's. Then multiply that by 5 or more...because you just had to blab to everyone. Well...almost everyone.
DH's family still knows absolutely NOTHING. Right now, his dad is going through some hard times. He actually found out he has colon cancer. Tomorrow they are going to remove part of his intestines. :(
Hopefully we will have good news to give him come Wednesday. Well...we probably wouldn't tell them right away anyways. I have a feeling DH will wait til I'm giving birth before he announces the news. LOL
We don't see his family enough where they could catch on. I still say they should know...but only if they will be cool about it.
If they have a problem with how we conceived, then I will have a problem with THEM having a problem! :)
Bad news....if that happens. We'll see.
For now, we just wait.
DH is so random too. He freaks out about stuff one day and then the next he's telling me I need to take better care of myself because we're paying to get pregnant. :) And then a little bit ago, he tells me he's not sure abut the names we like anymore because they're so popular right now.
I definitely cannot read him like a book in regards to baby stuff. But I know he'll be happy when we get our good news.
Crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, or whatever I have to! :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Set Your GPS to Uterus, USA
Hi blog friends!
I guess it is time to update you again!
Well, Friday was the big day. DH did not sleep well, and claims that was the reasoning for his count being lower than last time.
The kind nurse, Sue, reminded me that it was enough, and they were giving the spermies GPS. LOL That did make me feel better. After all, like she said, it only takes one. I just hope they aren't directionally challenged like me!
So the IUI was again painless...just a little awkward. Sue was nice and told me when she was going to do something. The only thing that worried me a little was that she said it looked like I had ovulated. She said it was a good thing, but then she asked if we had intercourse after we did the trigger shot. Since we had, she said it was okay and we were just making sure someone was there for the egg.
To me, it seemed like we could've missed our chance. I really hope not! Hopefully one of the many spermies was able to get there in time!
There's no way to know for sure until Dec. 8th when I do my pregnancy test. I realize it's not the full 14 days but I guess that just means it's less of a wait...
So fingers crossed, etc....I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's a huge deal that we can't control. ugh.
On different note....
I think I am scared to be pregnant.
I know that seems strange coming from someone who is going through all of this to get pregnant. Perhaps it's because being pregnant is a big responsibility and all...and a toll on your body.
If I get a great BFP, I will be ecstatic but probably more in denial that anything. Having a baby has always seemed like something someone else would do or wasn't for a long time. I definitely see myself needing time to adjust to it being real.
Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. Didn't I JUST say I was trying not to think about it too much?!
Anyways, there is so much that is scary but I think it's exciting too. Hopefully I will have good, solid news in 9 days.
9 days?! Wow...
Oh, and this time around I have definitely talked about it less. Last time it was sooo hard to get people excited only to let them down a few weeks later. Truthfully, I think they got themselves worked up because they were trying to be positive for me and it IS an exciting thing...However, I don't think anyone really realizes how devastating it all is unless you're going through it first hand.
The dreaded question for me right now is "sooooo how do you feel?"
I usually just say I feel fine but don't read into things. That is how I got in trouble before. Not in trouble literally..just in the sense that I got my hopes up a LOT. Last year and the beginning of this year was a whole lot of ups and downs.
One month I would be 9 days late...but nothing. Another month it was my boobs and my bladder...but nothing.. Then another month it would be this or that. I think you get my point.
I probably asked God at one point or another to help me know for sure and to make things more clear. I really didn't mean for Him to give me a condition or whatever that requires me to be monitored constantly by the nurses/doctors. That wasn't really what I had in mind. lol However, I will say that it does take away a lot of the doubt and questioning. Go figure.
There were so many "ifs" and everything that it would drive me nuts. And then it would cause me to be depressed when I got my period. There wasn't always a strand of hope but when there was....oh...I was so happy.
Only to be let down in the worst way.
Hubby doesn't really get this. His desire for children is definitely not like mine. I guess more women than men have that urge...but still...Sometimes I wish he would want it just as badly. Maybe then he would understand how one little comment or one negative line ...means more than he thinks.
I also think sometimes he feels like this is JUST happening or that we're rushing into something. Okay...first of all, we haven't been using any type of birth control for over 2 yrs. We weren't careful and there were several months we actually "tried".
Yet he somehow thinks this is something new. Perhaps he feels this way because it's becoming more and more a possibility. He makes jokes but I think it's just because he's scared.
I'm scared too. I might be freaking out about actually being pregnant, knowing how to care for a baby, and then being a good parent while he or she grows up. Yeah, I do freak out. I don't always talk about it or show it......but oh yeah, it's there.
I even acknowledge that there will be days or moments when I ask myself, "Why did I want this?!" Mostly that is because it will be hard. I freak out about that too.
However, I am more scared that we will never have a child of our own. I know that we can get through the other scary parts together or with support from family and friends.
In my wildest dreams, or moments of paranoia, did I ever think we would have a hard time getting pregnant. I thought that would have been the easy, fun part.
No such luck.
I may be scared, nervous, and sometimes a little unsure...but I know what the big picture is. I know the end game so to speak. That's what I have in my mind every time there's a needle shoved in my arm, or someone looking at my crotch. (I really don't like that part!)
Just get me to that goal...and I will tackle anything between here and there.
Okay I think that's enough rambling for today. I'm in need of some tacos or something. :)
Thank you for reading and encouraging me to keep going. I really, really appreciate it.
Sometimes you are the only ones I can really talk to about this.
*hugs*
I guess it is time to update you again!
Well, Friday was the big day. DH did not sleep well, and claims that was the reasoning for his count being lower than last time.
The kind nurse, Sue, reminded me that it was enough, and they were giving the spermies GPS. LOL That did make me feel better. After all, like she said, it only takes one. I just hope they aren't directionally challenged like me!
So the IUI was again painless...just a little awkward. Sue was nice and told me when she was going to do something. The only thing that worried me a little was that she said it looked like I had ovulated. She said it was a good thing, but then she asked if we had intercourse after we did the trigger shot. Since we had, she said it was okay and we were just making sure someone was there for the egg.
To me, it seemed like we could've missed our chance. I really hope not! Hopefully one of the many spermies was able to get there in time!
There's no way to know for sure until Dec. 8th when I do my pregnancy test. I realize it's not the full 14 days but I guess that just means it's less of a wait...
So fingers crossed, etc....I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's a huge deal that we can't control. ugh.
On different note....
I think I am scared to be pregnant.
I know that seems strange coming from someone who is going through all of this to get pregnant. Perhaps it's because being pregnant is a big responsibility and all...and a toll on your body.
If I get a great BFP, I will be ecstatic but probably more in denial that anything. Having a baby has always seemed like something someone else would do or wasn't for a long time. I definitely see myself needing time to adjust to it being real.
Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. Didn't I JUST say I was trying not to think about it too much?!
Anyways, there is so much that is scary but I think it's exciting too. Hopefully I will have good, solid news in 9 days.
9 days?! Wow...
Oh, and this time around I have definitely talked about it less. Last time it was sooo hard to get people excited only to let them down a few weeks later. Truthfully, I think they got themselves worked up because they were trying to be positive for me and it IS an exciting thing...However, I don't think anyone really realizes how devastating it all is unless you're going through it first hand.
The dreaded question for me right now is "sooooo how do you feel?"
I usually just say I feel fine but don't read into things. That is how I got in trouble before. Not in trouble literally..just in the sense that I got my hopes up a LOT. Last year and the beginning of this year was a whole lot of ups and downs.
One month I would be 9 days late...but nothing. Another month it was my boobs and my bladder...but nothing.. Then another month it would be this or that. I think you get my point.
I probably asked God at one point or another to help me know for sure and to make things more clear. I really didn't mean for Him to give me a condition or whatever that requires me to be monitored constantly by the nurses/doctors. That wasn't really what I had in mind. lol However, I will say that it does take away a lot of the doubt and questioning. Go figure.
There were so many "ifs" and everything that it would drive me nuts. And then it would cause me to be depressed when I got my period. There wasn't always a strand of hope but when there was....oh...I was so happy.
Only to be let down in the worst way.
Hubby doesn't really get this. His desire for children is definitely not like mine. I guess more women than men have that urge...but still...Sometimes I wish he would want it just as badly. Maybe then he would understand how one little comment or one negative line ...means more than he thinks.
I also think sometimes he feels like this is JUST happening or that we're rushing into something. Okay...first of all, we haven't been using any type of birth control for over 2 yrs. We weren't careful and there were several months we actually "tried".
Yet he somehow thinks this is something new. Perhaps he feels this way because it's becoming more and more a possibility. He makes jokes but I think it's just because he's scared.
I'm scared too. I might be freaking out about actually being pregnant, knowing how to care for a baby, and then being a good parent while he or she grows up. Yeah, I do freak out. I don't always talk about it or show it......but oh yeah, it's there.
I even acknowledge that there will be days or moments when I ask myself, "Why did I want this?!" Mostly that is because it will be hard. I freak out about that too.
However, I am more scared that we will never have a child of our own. I know that we can get through the other scary parts together or with support from family and friends.
In my wildest dreams, or moments of paranoia, did I ever think we would have a hard time getting pregnant. I thought that would have been the easy, fun part.
No such luck.
I may be scared, nervous, and sometimes a little unsure...but I know what the big picture is. I know the end game so to speak. That's what I have in my mind every time there's a needle shoved in my arm, or someone looking at my crotch. (I really don't like that part!)
Just get me to that goal...and I will tackle anything between here and there.
Okay I think that's enough rambling for today. I'm in need of some tacos or something. :)
Thank you for reading and encouraging me to keep going. I really, really appreciate it.
Sometimes you are the only ones I can really talk to about this.
*hugs*
Friday, November 26, 2010
Post-Turkey Thoughts
Thanksgiving is officially over. It was good though. Our plans to visit DH's family in KY were interrupted because of my cycle. I'm hoping that is a good sign. :)
I am very cautious this time around but trying to be optimistic. It's hard to find the right balance between not getting your hopes up too high but still trying to have a positive, "it will happen" outlook.
I guess I am somewhere in between.
Finally on Wednesday I went in to get checked out. Like last time I didn't have a color change on my ovulation kit. When the nurse did the ultrasound, she discovered a 21mm follicle! There were a few other ones but they weren't anything to write home about.
Rewind to the last cycle and I had much, much smaller ones at this point. I ended up going in every other day almost to keep checking to see when or if I would do IUI.
This time everything was ready to go. So DH and I did the trigger shot on Wednesday night, did a little baby dance, and now we're going to our IUI appointment in 8-10 hours. His is at 8am and mine is at 10am.
This cycle has a lot riding on it I guess you could say. DH wants to take a little break if it doesn't work. Part of me understands and the other part just wants this to work sooooo badly.
I don't want to wait.
There's not much I can do about it though so no sense in worrying. Ha!
Friday (tomorrow) will start my 2WW which is basically torture. Wondering if it worked, what's going on in your body, how will you feel if it did or didn't work? What's the next step either way? If it did work, is it going to progress properly??
Soooo many questions.
Kind of off subject ....
I am sorry for not being on here all that much lately. I've been busy and a lot hasn't been going on with our baby making stuff until recently. However, I think the main reason is that I just don't know what to say sometimes.
There are times when the words just won't come out. I can't bring myself to type them or they won't form in my mind. The ironic part of that is that this happens usually when I have sooo much to say. I just don't know how to say it...or don't want to bring myself to say it. If I say it or write it, then it's real.
With the experiences that we've been through already...there are definitely lonely times in the car, before bed, playing on Facebook, or seeing babies at a store....that something inside hurts.
That's not a very good sentence...or thought...lol But maybe you know what I mean. There are points in all of this when I don't want to dwell on it, or talk about it. I certainly started talking about it much less than before. After the first time and what happened, I guess it's not all that surprising.
So while I am thankful for you reading this, I can't promise you updates all the time. I wish I could....but sometimes I choose to suffer in silence.
I hope you can understand that.
I am very cautious this time around but trying to be optimistic. It's hard to find the right balance between not getting your hopes up too high but still trying to have a positive, "it will happen" outlook.
I guess I am somewhere in between.
Finally on Wednesday I went in to get checked out. Like last time I didn't have a color change on my ovulation kit. When the nurse did the ultrasound, she discovered a 21mm follicle! There were a few other ones but they weren't anything to write home about.
Rewind to the last cycle and I had much, much smaller ones at this point. I ended up going in every other day almost to keep checking to see when or if I would do IUI.
This time everything was ready to go. So DH and I did the trigger shot on Wednesday night, did a little baby dance, and now we're going to our IUI appointment in 8-10 hours. His is at 8am and mine is at 10am.
This cycle has a lot riding on it I guess you could say. DH wants to take a little break if it doesn't work. Part of me understands and the other part just wants this to work sooooo badly.
I don't want to wait.
There's not much I can do about it though so no sense in worrying. Ha!
Friday (tomorrow) will start my 2WW which is basically torture. Wondering if it worked, what's going on in your body, how will you feel if it did or didn't work? What's the next step either way? If it did work, is it going to progress properly??
Soooo many questions.
Kind of off subject ....
I am sorry for not being on here all that much lately. I've been busy and a lot hasn't been going on with our baby making stuff until recently. However, I think the main reason is that I just don't know what to say sometimes.
There are times when the words just won't come out. I can't bring myself to type them or they won't form in my mind. The ironic part of that is that this happens usually when I have sooo much to say. I just don't know how to say it...or don't want to bring myself to say it. If I say it or write it, then it's real.
With the experiences that we've been through already...there are definitely lonely times in the car, before bed, playing on Facebook, or seeing babies at a store....that something inside hurts.
That's not a very good sentence...or thought...lol But maybe you know what I mean. There are points in all of this when I don't want to dwell on it, or talk about it. I certainly started talking about it much less than before. After the first time and what happened, I guess it's not all that surprising.
So while I am thankful for you reading this, I can't promise you updates all the time. I wish I could....but sometimes I choose to suffer in silence.
I hope you can understand that.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Humpty Dumpty Syndrome
Hello all.
Not a whole lot going on in the world of fertility lately. Sometimes it seems like the days drag on and on. I guess this happens mostly when you're waiting for your period.
I thought it would be here by now but not yet. It's very possible that I calculated it wrong. Damn. More waiting. I have the meds ready to go, I am ready to go to all of my appointments, etc.
Of course if I missed it because I was magically pregnant..that would be AWESOME. But let's get real here...That has about the same odds as me being an astronaut.
Well, maybe it has better odds than that but still...I think you get my point. :)
I feel like Humpty Dumpty because all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't seem to put me back together right now.
Let me fill you in a little...
On October 22, I did a sleep study. I may have mentioned this back in August that when I went in for my Rubella vaccination, I left with a sleep study referral. If not, now you know. :)
Anyways, I finally went because I am always tired and I know something is up. Plus, I am between cycles...which to me, is the best time to do it. Once my period hits it's go time.
It was weird going to the hospital at 8pm. It was dark. I had to park in a deserted parking lot. I was a little concerned about getting jumped. lol
Luckily, I found it just fine and no one attempted to mug me in my pajamas.
The sleep study technician or whatever he is called was really nice. He was an older man with a middle eastern accent. His name was Wally. He's a dad of two kids and loves his wife. We had a few laughs and he gave me some advice. Unsolicited of course.
Anyways, he put wires and monitors all over my body. It was really awkward because I was supposed to sleep with all of that on...WHILE he watched me sleep! Yeah...no.
So as you can imagine it was not the best night of sleep I have ever had.
Fast forward a week and a half or so..and now I am at my normal doctor's office listening to him tell me the results of my sleep study.
It was bad, he says. Great...
What it boils down to is this...
I have obstructive sleep apnea. To learn more about this ...go here... Obstructive Sleep Apnea
The longest period of time that I went without breathing was 34 seconds. Yeah, I know that's a lot.
I had 412 obstructions while sleeping. My mom and DH (dear husband) have done this before and had under 30. I HAD 412! Yeah, I know that's bad too.
I have to stop sleeping on my back and sleep mostly on my side or stomach. That's not the end of the world.
But what was really bad too was that at some point(s) the oxygen level in my blood (oxygen saturation) went down to 78%.
Normally a sleeping person might get down to 90%. Yeah, I know that 78% is bad too.
So basically, I snore because of sinus and other issues but I also stop breathing so much that I am not sleeping enough.
Solution? I will be getting a CPAP machine. My DH has one so we'll both sound like Darth Vader. Poor puppies. lol
These results led me to thinking about my first cycle of Clomid and IUI. My "pregnancy" ended up being not viable. I wonder if this had anything to do with the fact that I stop breathing in my sleep.
And had I been pregnant still, would my fetus be robbed of oxygen??
Perhaps I did this sleep study just in time to save a future pregnancy from bad problems. Sleep apnea can cause some really bad things later in life for me...but just think about the helpless fetus that depends on me for everything.
If I can't properly breathe on my own, then how can I help the fetus?
I will have to update you once I actually get the machine and how it goes. I know there will be some adjustment time.
On a separate note, I turned 27 yesterday. I am now about how old my mom was when she had me. I like our age difference...Makes me wonder about my kids...
Thanks for reading!
Not a whole lot going on in the world of fertility lately. Sometimes it seems like the days drag on and on. I guess this happens mostly when you're waiting for your period.
I thought it would be here by now but not yet. It's very possible that I calculated it wrong. Damn. More waiting. I have the meds ready to go, I am ready to go to all of my appointments, etc.
Of course if I missed it because I was magically pregnant..that would be AWESOME. But let's get real here...That has about the same odds as me being an astronaut.
Well, maybe it has better odds than that but still...I think you get my point. :)
I feel like Humpty Dumpty because all the kings horses and all the kings men just can't seem to put me back together right now.
Let me fill you in a little...
On October 22, I did a sleep study. I may have mentioned this back in August that when I went in for my Rubella vaccination, I left with a sleep study referral. If not, now you know. :)
Anyways, I finally went because I am always tired and I know something is up. Plus, I am between cycles...which to me, is the best time to do it. Once my period hits it's go time.
It was weird going to the hospital at 8pm. It was dark. I had to park in a deserted parking lot. I was a little concerned about getting jumped. lol
Luckily, I found it just fine and no one attempted to mug me in my pajamas.
The sleep study technician or whatever he is called was really nice. He was an older man with a middle eastern accent. His name was Wally. He's a dad of two kids and loves his wife. We had a few laughs and he gave me some advice. Unsolicited of course.
Anyways, he put wires and monitors all over my body. It was really awkward because I was supposed to sleep with all of that on...WHILE he watched me sleep! Yeah...no.
So as you can imagine it was not the best night of sleep I have ever had.
Fast forward a week and a half or so..and now I am at my normal doctor's office listening to him tell me the results of my sleep study.
It was bad, he says. Great...
What it boils down to is this...
I have obstructive sleep apnea. To learn more about this ...go here... Obstructive Sleep Apnea
The longest period of time that I went without breathing was 34 seconds. Yeah, I know that's a lot.
I had 412 obstructions while sleeping. My mom and DH (dear husband) have done this before and had under 30. I HAD 412! Yeah, I know that's bad too.
I have to stop sleeping on my back and sleep mostly on my side or stomach. That's not the end of the world.
But what was really bad too was that at some point(s) the oxygen level in my blood (oxygen saturation) went down to 78%.
Normally a sleeping person might get down to 90%. Yeah, I know that 78% is bad too.
So basically, I snore because of sinus and other issues but I also stop breathing so much that I am not sleeping enough.
Solution? I will be getting a CPAP machine. My DH has one so we'll both sound like Darth Vader. Poor puppies. lol
These results led me to thinking about my first cycle of Clomid and IUI. My "pregnancy" ended up being not viable. I wonder if this had anything to do with the fact that I stop breathing in my sleep.
And had I been pregnant still, would my fetus be robbed of oxygen??
Perhaps I did this sleep study just in time to save a future pregnancy from bad problems. Sleep apnea can cause some really bad things later in life for me...but just think about the helpless fetus that depends on me for everything.
If I can't properly breathe on my own, then how can I help the fetus?
I will have to update you once I actually get the machine and how it goes. I know there will be some adjustment time.
On a separate note, I turned 27 yesterday. I am now about how old my mom was when she had me. I like our age difference...Makes me wonder about my kids...
Thanks for reading!
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