New Year, New Hope

Like the new look? :) I felt like a change was needed. New year and all that.

This is going to be a very random blog post because frankly that's how it is in my head. Careful...you are entering dangerous territory. lol

I just realized it's been almost a month since my last post. Sadly, this is not from a lack of trying. I've seriously logged on a few times, read a few other blogs, and then sat at the computer staring at the screen. It was like I was waiting for the words to hit me. But I didn't have any.

Actually, that's not true.

I have lots and lots of words to say but they are hard to organize. Hence why this is going to be a very random type of blog.

I'm sure those of you reading this have had similar experiences. Sometimes you just can't express the pain, the anxiety, the excitement, etc. Everything gets jumbled up.

I've even  come up with different blog headings or things to talk about. When I come to  write it, I just can't get it out. I honestly think this is all affecting me more than I lead anyone to believe.

Last month, as you may have read, nothing happened. The IUI completely failed. This was after my first one "sorta" worked but ended up not being viable.

I do not call it a miscarriage as the nurse told me that's not what it was. But I do find it hard to understand.

Why doesn't it work? Why can it be sooo easy for some people and for others it doesn't happen at all? Why can it try to work one month and then the next time completely fail?

I addressed some of those possible reasons last time so I won't get into them again. It just baffles me though.

Now I'm on the verge of my 3rd IUI hoping and praying for the best. We don't know how much longer we have to be able to try because of our insurance. Our insurance only covers certain things and we might have to change in a few months.

This is when the panic sets in. Then I find myself telling ...well...myself that I need to calm down; stress isn't going to help.

But then sometimes my optimism stresses me out. I don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up too high.

One positive thing since the last post is that I have my apnea more under control. I'm hoping this will be better for when we're doing the IUI. Maybe it will stick this time. Stopping oxygen from my blood and lack of breathing in my sleep is probably not good for conception, embryo, etc.

So now I'm Mrs. Darth Vader. lol

I spent a lot of time with my 14 month (now...13months then) niece over Christmas. We went to KY to visit my husband's family. Luckily I was able to spend time with my sis-in-law and Emma.

I love Emma. She is so much fun. She's even more so since she's walking and talking more. We played and she entertained us. I found myself thinking about Christmas 2011. Will she have a cousin from us?

She fills my heart with SO much joy that sometimes it's overwhelming. Then sometimes I look at her or play with her and think about our troubles and how much we want a baby of our own. It can bring me to tears.

Will I always be just a cool aunt? Or will I be a mommy too?

I will NEVER stop loving her or wanting to be her auntie. I love seeing her and spending time with her. No matter what happens I will always love her.

It's not realistic for me not to WANT a baby though or to think those things while I'm with her. My DH's family doesn't know anything about our troubles or trying to conceive, so he just  kept saying "she's on a baby kick". I guess there is truth to that but it's WAY more than just that.

Anyways...sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment.

Some of my FAVORITE shows revolves around pregnancy and/or babies.

Teen Mom 1 and 2, Raising Sextuplets, Quints by Surprise, 16 and Pregnant, Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if this is really helping me or hurting me by watching these shows. I'm not against being with or seeing kids or babies. In fact, I love them. They're my passion, my job, etc.

But going through IF and then watching teenagers get pregnant after having sex once...I won't lie...it gets to me sometimes. I still watch it though. I actually DVR it.

I usually get through them without breaking down. I know there are people who can't even watch them. I hope I don't get to that point. To me, that's when I don't have hope it will ever happen for us.

I'm not there yet. And I don't want to be. At the same time though, this could be our last chance for a long time. That scares me. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself or the situation, but I can't help it.

Day 1 started today and I had to call the voicemail for the nurses. I should hear from someone tomorrow and have an appointment for Tuesday. After that I will know if we are good to go or not. I've had cysts before. Luckily they don't turn out to be bad, but there's always that risk.

My DH goes from worried to saying things about baby names to be freaking out again to talking about baby proofing the house.

It's hard to talk to him about it sometimes because he flip flops so much. It's understandable I guess. It's just hard for me to get him to understand the "woman's" POV.

I was at a little get together on Friday night and it came out why it was the last weekend I could drink (I'm talking 1 glass of wine too, btw). The hostess said (after joking we could have our reality show Hubby and Me+ 10) "Isn't it amazing the stress/fear and love you have for something that's not even here?"

That's not a direct quote but it was something like that. To me, that's how it is. She related it to my DH too because I was telling her NOOO we can't have a reality show. HE WILL FREAK OUT! We're hoping for ONE healthy baby. :)

There are times that twins sound great and people think "how cute" will that be. But if you look at it logically, that's a LOT more than just having one.

At this point, I am okay with one happy and healthy boy or girl. The gender doesn't even matter to me/us.

It's nerve racking to have these many feelings about someone who is just a hope, a dream for now. Just thinking about it I want to cry, laugh, and smile at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I might freak out...and it's amazing that just the THOUGHT having a child makes me feel this way.

I can't wait until he or she is here. I'm going to be in love and worried 24/7!

But that's okay. He or she will be worth it 1 million %,

Here's hoping that 2011 is a GREAT baby year for all of us who are waiting for our blessings.

:)