In less than 7 hours, I need to be on my way to my dr appt. True, it's a simple blood test but I am freaking out. The anxiety this time around feels SO much more intense.
I don't have high hopes for good news. I know, I know...I should think positive. But it's really hard to put your heart on the line every month like this. I don't know what's going to happen after this time either. Do we do our last Clomid with IUI or do we move on to injectables with IUI? Will there be more testing for me and DH? Will IVF become a possibility?
I really truly wish that this is the month we got pregnant and are going to stay pregnant until we have a healthy baby. In my heart of hearts, depth of my soul...etc...this is my heart's desire.
But I am so afraid it won't happen. Not even just now...but ever.
I'm not looking forward to the phone call from or to the insurance people asking them about what will be covered....
And if it's not good news, I really hope the insurance people wait until I can find out from the doctor. That was awful.
Who am I kidding? It didn't matter how I found out...it was still devastating.
If by some miracle, this was the IUI that worked....I will be EXTREMELY excited and I'm sure DH will be a little stunned. lol
But I will also be on pins and needles hoping that everything goes well.
Is this it?? Are the feelings I'm having not actually PMS?
Or am I in for a HUGE emotional pit of despair tomorrow?
I'm voting for .....
It's the BEST day ever!!! (See? That's be trying to be optimistic.)
By the way, it's also 3 and a half years of being married. Gosh, I hope that's a good sign....It's so hard to go through this.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sometimes I'd Prefer Sticks and Stones
Sometimes I put on a brave face but really am very sad inside. I try to be strong, think positive, but sometimes my vulnerability shows.
DH and I don't really talk a lot about how we feel through this process. We both know it hurts and it sucks. That's kind of a given. But sometimes I think maybe we should talk about it more....so he doesn't say or repeat things he hears.
Yesterday I finally got to sit and talk to him. He was out of town for a game jam thing and went with a friend. I didn't know until yesterday that his friend's wife went with.
She's also a few months pregnant. We found out via online not that long ago. I think my response was "oh, that's nice." DH said something like "yeah, I knew that would be your reaction" or whatever.
I am happy for them...don't get me wrong. But then...sometimes people say stupid things. Before I even get into what was said, I don't think they know about our problems, that we're trying (unsuccessfully so far), and that I'm towards the end of my 2ww.
DH says to me that the wife said that I could live vicariously through her.
UM ....WHAT?
My heart burst into tears and of course I sat there looking away from DH as tears started streaming from my face. As they were welling up in my eyes, DH looked at me like "What did I say?!"
Again, this was one of those times that I wish he really knew how I felt. Truth is, I don't think I can really even express it all that well.
I don't WANT to live vicariously through someone else. And I REALLY don't think she would have said that if she had known what we were going through.
The ironic thing is that I kind of do live vicariously through others. Maybe not with the pregnant or baby part but with having a kid part. I babysit all the time, I spend most of my time watching kid shows or actually playing with kids. Last night I even took 2 of my kids to swimming lessons because their mom had a meeting. I had to help them shower, change, drove them home, gave them a snack, and then put them to bed.
I love them too.
So to some degree, I do live in this world where I can be motherly but without the complete responsibilities.
But I WANT to have and love my own children. I DO NOT want someone telling me, "You can live vicariously through me."
I didn't even dare ask HOW this came up but I was just too upset.
Friday is the day we find out. Since I had a large cyst right near my follies, I got sick, and everything else that's been going on......I don't have high hopes. I'm still trying to be optimistic that the 3rd time is the charm...but we all know that's not always true.
DH realized that this upset me....probably because I was crying. lol But he did say he was sorry for upsetting me and that we'll get there.
My follow up question is "when?" Then we kinda discussed what we would do if this time doesn't work out. We only have so much left on our insurance. The clock is ticking in more than one way.
After getting over this I went on Facebook and found out someone else is pregnant. They had a rough time though and 2 miscarriages so it didn't make me as jealous. Jealous, yes..but not AS jealous.
There are a few friends of mine that talk about getting a house and having babies like it's a given or that its' going to happen when they want it to.
Does it make me a horrible person if I secretly think to myself...I hope we have a baby first?
PS I had a weird comment incident. I thought they were in the wrong place. So sorry for not replying...I do read them and appreciate them. :)
DH and I don't really talk a lot about how we feel through this process. We both know it hurts and it sucks. That's kind of a given. But sometimes I think maybe we should talk about it more....so he doesn't say or repeat things he hears.
Yesterday I finally got to sit and talk to him. He was out of town for a game jam thing and went with a friend. I didn't know until yesterday that his friend's wife went with.
She's also a few months pregnant. We found out via online not that long ago. I think my response was "oh, that's nice." DH said something like "yeah, I knew that would be your reaction" or whatever.
I am happy for them...don't get me wrong. But then...sometimes people say stupid things. Before I even get into what was said, I don't think they know about our problems, that we're trying (unsuccessfully so far), and that I'm towards the end of my 2ww.
DH says to me that the wife said that I could live vicariously through her.
UM ....WHAT?
My heart burst into tears and of course I sat there looking away from DH as tears started streaming from my face. As they were welling up in my eyes, DH looked at me like "What did I say?!"
Again, this was one of those times that I wish he really knew how I felt. Truth is, I don't think I can really even express it all that well.
I don't WANT to live vicariously through someone else. And I REALLY don't think she would have said that if she had known what we were going through.
The ironic thing is that I kind of do live vicariously through others. Maybe not with the pregnant or baby part but with having a kid part. I babysit all the time, I spend most of my time watching kid shows or actually playing with kids. Last night I even took 2 of my kids to swimming lessons because their mom had a meeting. I had to help them shower, change, drove them home, gave them a snack, and then put them to bed.
I love them too.
So to some degree, I do live in this world where I can be motherly but without the complete responsibilities.
But I WANT to have and love my own children. I DO NOT want someone telling me, "You can live vicariously through me."
I didn't even dare ask HOW this came up but I was just too upset.
Friday is the day we find out. Since I had a large cyst right near my follies, I got sick, and everything else that's been going on......I don't have high hopes. I'm still trying to be optimistic that the 3rd time is the charm...but we all know that's not always true.
DH realized that this upset me....probably because I was crying. lol But he did say he was sorry for upsetting me and that we'll get there.
My follow up question is "when?" Then we kinda discussed what we would do if this time doesn't work out. We only have so much left on our insurance. The clock is ticking in more than one way.
After getting over this I went on Facebook and found out someone else is pregnant. They had a rough time though and 2 miscarriages so it didn't make me as jealous. Jealous, yes..but not AS jealous.
There are a few friends of mine that talk about getting a house and having babies like it's a given or that its' going to happen when they want it to.
Does it make me a horrible person if I secretly think to myself...I hope we have a baby first?
PS I had a weird comment incident. I thought they were in the wrong place. So sorry for not replying...I do read them and appreciate them. :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
"She's the IUI"
Don't you just love having a cute or funny or catchy blog post heading only to forget it before you actually write the darn thing?? Yeah...me too.
I've also been meaning to post for a few days now but things got a little crazy. So here's a mix of the last few days and a few posts I thought about...
Today I Was a Princess Rockstar
On Thursday I was babysitting one of my FAVE kids. She's five and between lunch and snack, she conned me into playing Princess Rockstar. We got ALL of her stuffed animals and placed them on the couches as the audience. Some of them even got to dress up. lol Then I had a bride headband with a blue skirt. Bless her heart, she tried to get me into a pink tutu thing that would have fit MAYBE my leg. lol She offered to switch and I was happy about that. :)
Before we actually performed our wonderful tunes (she sang and I played guitar)....she did my make up...complete with 34 POUNDS of glitter. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little but still...it was a LOT. I should have looked in the mirror before leaving her house because OMGOSH...
Anyways, we played and even when she was doing my make up...I couldn't help but think about my hypothetical little girl. Would I ever have someone of my own to do my make up with bright hot pink eyeshadow, gobs of pink and blue gel glitter on my cheeks, etc?
Now I'm not opposed to having a boy either. Her brother is 8 and I adore him. It was just her and I that day because he wasn't home yet. I just couldn't help but think about my little girl....
I should also mention that I had to go run errands afterwards which included the grocery store. I tried (in the car) to get as much off as I could but that glitter wouldn't come off!
And it just so happened that I saw someone I knew from the main school I sub in there. I had to point it out and explain so she didn't think I was crazy. She thought it was sweet that I let the girl do that to me. :)
Saturday Night Fever
So Saturday I babysat for a different family. They have 3 kids; 1 girl, 2 boys. The girl is 7 and the boys are 3 and 5. Well, the boys decide to play fight and such which meant someone was crying every few minutes. Sometimes a little kiss on the boo boo or a little ice or 17 bandaids that they DON'T need does the trick. lol
Well, I will say that sometimes I like living vicariously through other people. I get to be fun, play mommy, and sometimes even get boogers on me. Yes, I found lovely SNOT boogers on my shirt after consoling the 3 yr old.
Is it weird that I enjoyed this?? Maybe not so much the boogers but being needed like that. The middle one gives me a hard time sometimes but he ended up passing out rather quickly. The rest of the night turned out to be quiet.
I was playing with the girl, who I've known since she was 4. We attempted to play Harry Potter Scene It. It's hard, btw. Anyways, she accidentally called me Mom. I didn't say anything or correct her. This happened all the time when I worked at the daycare.
Truth be told, I smiled....Someone is going to call me Mom for real one day.
But anyways, she goes on to tell me how she loves me like she loves her mom. This is a HUGE compliment to me. I realize she may not actually love me as much as her mom, but even hearing her say that just warms my heart. She hugged me and I hugged back saying I loved her too.
There are several families (like the ones above) that I have grown so attached too. I know one day I won't be cool or fun or even someone they will want to hang out with. But for now, I get to enjoy them being little, playing with them, letting them dress me up or use me as a tissue.
Til I have a family of my own, I at least have someone to hug now and then. Sometimes it makes me so happy and takes off the pressure of trying to get pregnant and sometimes it makes my heart yearn SO much more fore the child or children we have yet to have.
I know some people going through IF have a hard time being around kids or babies. I seem more drawn to them than ever.
Maybe I'm just weird.
Making Babies, Wanting Kids
All this baby talk really got me thinking the other day that it's not JUST a baby that I want or look forward to. It's having a child. A kid. Someone to go to PTA meetings for or email their teacher or watch them play a sport.
We seem to always focus on the baby part of IF and that portion of our longing. Don't get me wrong, I know that all stages of life are hard and I do look forward to the baby stage. Babysitting the other days really got me thinking more and more about wanting kids. Babies do grow up.
There's a lot I could go into on this but I am trying to mash it all up. This post is going to be a novel anyways so I will continue...
She's the IUI
Apparently, today when I went into the doctor's office...I was the IUI. The lady behind the desk was looking for my folder or whatever and couldn't find it. So someone behind her said I was the IUI. I am not ashamed of it but I also don't need the whole lobby of people knowing what I'm doing today.
The lobby of a fertility clinic is an interesting place to reflect. I was sitting there waiting to go in by myself. All three times I've gone by myself. I never made DH feel bad for not coming or even made him come with me. He couldn't go in the little room anyways...so it didn't make logical sense. Plus, today he had to catch a train to get into the city. That was a slight disaster.
But anyways...I'm sitting there thinking about how this is not how I wanted to make a baby. And this way is particularly lonely.
Yes your baby is going to be half you and half your spouse, but there are nurses and doctors involved. There are TOOLS that are cold and metallic involved. You don't have the warmth or comfort of your own bed, kitchen table, or sofa (lol). You have a reclining chair with stirrups at the end.
Then instead of baby making the fun, do I dare say, fun way....you have someone put a catheter of swimmers in you. Yeah, so romantic.
Then you go home alone and have to wait for 2 wks to see if anything happened at all. Oh, I forgot to mention the pills beforehand and the shot you have to give yourself. Plus, the endless vials of blood being drawn and internal ultrasounds.
For someone who HATES doctors, doctor offices, etc with a passion...this is a very humbling experience. I HAVE to do this things...
But I keep telling myself that in the end, it will be worth it. Sometimes I chant that when I'm worried or doing something I really find uncomfortable.
Moving on...
The IUI itself went fine. The speculum thing must have been next to the Popsicles earlier because it was freezing!
Janet, the nurse who did my first IUI was the one who did it today. She's very nice.
DH's count was high before the wash but was kinda low for afterwards. She assured me that it was still enough to do an IUI but of course, this worries me.
I know it only takes one to make it happen but the more, the better odds...at least that's what I think. The best part about his swimmers was that they were ALL going the right way this time. Janet explained to me that the rest of them weren't going to do anything anyways...so why even worry about them being in there?
I have to say that was a relief....as much as it could have been.
Looking back the first IUI was so surreal. It felt like someone else was doing it and I didn't fully think about what we were doing. The doc told us that's what we needed to do, so we did it.
The second one was more real and a little more pressure. It came at a REALLY bad time for my DH with finding out about his dad and all.
This third one though...gosh...it's so hard to explain. I am trying to be optimistic but I feel like this time everything is riding on it. We don't know how much longer we will have our current insurance or how it will be affected when or if it changes. We know we can't do IVF right now unless it was covered 100%, which let's face it, isn't going to happen.
Plus, the desire and yearning for a child is greater than ever. Losing the first bfp to a nonviable result and then nothing happening the 2nd time around...it makes you think about why and what you're doing.
So I said a prayer and did a little coaching to my follies and swimmers. Right now I am hoping they have the focus and determination of the Steelers. lol
Look at me making a football reference. lol
Tomorrow I start my crinone gel and more of the dreaded 2 ww. Feb. 4th is the day we find out....This is one of those times I can say that I don't think I've been this scared in a LONG time.
Thanks for reading!
Baby dust and sticky vibes!
I've also been meaning to post for a few days now but things got a little crazy. So here's a mix of the last few days and a few posts I thought about...
Today I Was a Princess Rockstar
On Thursday I was babysitting one of my FAVE kids. She's five and between lunch and snack, she conned me into playing Princess Rockstar. We got ALL of her stuffed animals and placed them on the couches as the audience. Some of them even got to dress up. lol Then I had a bride headband with a blue skirt. Bless her heart, she tried to get me into a pink tutu thing that would have fit MAYBE my leg. lol She offered to switch and I was happy about that. :)
Before we actually performed our wonderful tunes (she sang and I played guitar)....she did my make up...complete with 34 POUNDS of glitter. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little but still...it was a LOT. I should have looked in the mirror before leaving her house because OMGOSH...
Anyways, we played and even when she was doing my make up...I couldn't help but think about my hypothetical little girl. Would I ever have someone of my own to do my make up with bright hot pink eyeshadow, gobs of pink and blue gel glitter on my cheeks, etc?
Now I'm not opposed to having a boy either. Her brother is 8 and I adore him. It was just her and I that day because he wasn't home yet. I just couldn't help but think about my little girl....
I should also mention that I had to go run errands afterwards which included the grocery store. I tried (in the car) to get as much off as I could but that glitter wouldn't come off!
And it just so happened that I saw someone I knew from the main school I sub in there. I had to point it out and explain so she didn't think I was crazy. She thought it was sweet that I let the girl do that to me. :)
Saturday Night Fever
So Saturday I babysat for a different family. They have 3 kids; 1 girl, 2 boys. The girl is 7 and the boys are 3 and 5. Well, the boys decide to play fight and such which meant someone was crying every few minutes. Sometimes a little kiss on the boo boo or a little ice or 17 bandaids that they DON'T need does the trick. lol
Well, I will say that sometimes I like living vicariously through other people. I get to be fun, play mommy, and sometimes even get boogers on me. Yes, I found lovely SNOT boogers on my shirt after consoling the 3 yr old.
Is it weird that I enjoyed this?? Maybe not so much the boogers but being needed like that. The middle one gives me a hard time sometimes but he ended up passing out rather quickly. The rest of the night turned out to be quiet.
I was playing with the girl, who I've known since she was 4. We attempted to play Harry Potter Scene It. It's hard, btw. Anyways, she accidentally called me Mom. I didn't say anything or correct her. This happened all the time when I worked at the daycare.
Truth be told, I smiled....Someone is going to call me Mom for real one day.
But anyways, she goes on to tell me how she loves me like she loves her mom. This is a HUGE compliment to me. I realize she may not actually love me as much as her mom, but even hearing her say that just warms my heart. She hugged me and I hugged back saying I loved her too.
There are several families (like the ones above) that I have grown so attached too. I know one day I won't be cool or fun or even someone they will want to hang out with. But for now, I get to enjoy them being little, playing with them, letting them dress me up or use me as a tissue.
Til I have a family of my own, I at least have someone to hug now and then. Sometimes it makes me so happy and takes off the pressure of trying to get pregnant and sometimes it makes my heart yearn SO much more fore the child or children we have yet to have.
I know some people going through IF have a hard time being around kids or babies. I seem more drawn to them than ever.
Maybe I'm just weird.
Making Babies, Wanting Kids
All this baby talk really got me thinking the other day that it's not JUST a baby that I want or look forward to. It's having a child. A kid. Someone to go to PTA meetings for or email their teacher or watch them play a sport.
We seem to always focus on the baby part of IF and that portion of our longing. Don't get me wrong, I know that all stages of life are hard and I do look forward to the baby stage. Babysitting the other days really got me thinking more and more about wanting kids. Babies do grow up.
There's a lot I could go into on this but I am trying to mash it all up. This post is going to be a novel anyways so I will continue...
She's the IUI
Apparently, today when I went into the doctor's office...I was the IUI. The lady behind the desk was looking for my folder or whatever and couldn't find it. So someone behind her said I was the IUI. I am not ashamed of it but I also don't need the whole lobby of people knowing what I'm doing today.
The lobby of a fertility clinic is an interesting place to reflect. I was sitting there waiting to go in by myself. All three times I've gone by myself. I never made DH feel bad for not coming or even made him come with me. He couldn't go in the little room anyways...so it didn't make logical sense. Plus, today he had to catch a train to get into the city. That was a slight disaster.
But anyways...I'm sitting there thinking about how this is not how I wanted to make a baby. And this way is particularly lonely.
Yes your baby is going to be half you and half your spouse, but there are nurses and doctors involved. There are TOOLS that are cold and metallic involved. You don't have the warmth or comfort of your own bed, kitchen table, or sofa (lol). You have a reclining chair with stirrups at the end.
Then instead of baby making the fun, do I dare say, fun way....you have someone put a catheter of swimmers in you. Yeah, so romantic.
Then you go home alone and have to wait for 2 wks to see if anything happened at all. Oh, I forgot to mention the pills beforehand and the shot you have to give yourself. Plus, the endless vials of blood being drawn and internal ultrasounds.
For someone who HATES doctors, doctor offices, etc with a passion...this is a very humbling experience. I HAVE to do this things...
But I keep telling myself that in the end, it will be worth it. Sometimes I chant that when I'm worried or doing something I really find uncomfortable.
Moving on...
The IUI itself went fine. The speculum thing must have been next to the Popsicles earlier because it was freezing!
Janet, the nurse who did my first IUI was the one who did it today. She's very nice.
DH's count was high before the wash but was kinda low for afterwards. She assured me that it was still enough to do an IUI but of course, this worries me.
I know it only takes one to make it happen but the more, the better odds...at least that's what I think. The best part about his swimmers was that they were ALL going the right way this time. Janet explained to me that the rest of them weren't going to do anything anyways...so why even worry about them being in there?
I have to say that was a relief....as much as it could have been.
Looking back the first IUI was so surreal. It felt like someone else was doing it and I didn't fully think about what we were doing. The doc told us that's what we needed to do, so we did it.
The second one was more real and a little more pressure. It came at a REALLY bad time for my DH with finding out about his dad and all.
This third one though...gosh...it's so hard to explain. I am trying to be optimistic but I feel like this time everything is riding on it. We don't know how much longer we will have our current insurance or how it will be affected when or if it changes. We know we can't do IVF right now unless it was covered 100%, which let's face it, isn't going to happen.
Plus, the desire and yearning for a child is greater than ever. Losing the first bfp to a nonviable result and then nothing happening the 2nd time around...it makes you think about why and what you're doing.
So I said a prayer and did a little coaching to my follies and swimmers. Right now I am hoping they have the focus and determination of the Steelers. lol
Look at me making a football reference. lol
Tomorrow I start my crinone gel and more of the dreaded 2 ww. Feb. 4th is the day we find out....This is one of those times I can say that I don't think I've been this scared in a LONG time.
Thanks for reading!
Baby dust and sticky vibes!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
IF Makes Me Wanna Strip
Holy Hot Flashes Batman!!! This round of Clomid has affected me the same, I think. Sometimes the last two cycles seem like they happened to someone else...and therefore make it hard to remember. I will say that the hot flashes seem to be the only main side effect. *knocks on wood* I'm CD11 and started using the OPK yesterday. Not surprisingly, the first two tests have been negative. I don't test later in the day because the dr office doesn't want me to. Plus, it's a waste of money if I can't do anything about it.
Last night I tried to sleep but felt like it was summer. I live in a COLD, somewhat frigid climate right now. Okay, it's not Alaska, but it's still cold! lol Anyways, I have to admit that the clothes came off and I barely could cuddle with the puppies with a light sheet. Preview for menopause.... ::eek::
Other than that, I sometimes feel like my ovaries are gearing up for the Superbowl...Yes, they feel like footballs. lol
I'm hoping that's a GOOD sign. The dosage of Clomid went up 50mg for this cycle...so I hope it increased my chances of having more than one good follie.
Looking back, the first IUI was on CD21 and sorta worked. For those of you who haven't been reading my blog for awhile, I had a positive result but it ended up being "not viable". I don't consider it a miscarriage and it wasn't ectopic. I was on 100 mg of Clomid and didn't get a LH surge on the OPK. I was injected with 11.5 million little swimmers.
The second IUI came at CD17. That's much sooner. I wonder why?? However, emotional stress and the holidays didn't help. I was injected with only 5ish million swimmers. I was on 100mg of Clomid again. Nothing happened this time. It totally failed.
Ugh..I HATE that word "failed". Failing a test or failing to get your drivers license because you can't parallel park is one thing...but FAILING to get pregnant WITH medication and help...it's devastating.
Now we're onto IUI cycle #3. So far I've had a rather large cyst (although the nurse assured me it was fine) and 150 mg of clomid from days 5-9. No LH surge yet but I did buy the better kind for less wishy-washy results. Of course I don't know yet how the rest of it will go...All I know is that light clothing and fans are my friends. :)
PS. I didn't actually fail my drivers license test...I was just using it as an example. :)
Last night I tried to sleep but felt like it was summer. I live in a COLD, somewhat frigid climate right now. Okay, it's not Alaska, but it's still cold! lol Anyways, I have to admit that the clothes came off and I barely could cuddle with the puppies with a light sheet. Preview for menopause.... ::eek::
Other than that, I sometimes feel like my ovaries are gearing up for the Superbowl...Yes, they feel like footballs. lol
I'm hoping that's a GOOD sign. The dosage of Clomid went up 50mg for this cycle...so I hope it increased my chances of having more than one good follie.
Looking back, the first IUI was on CD21 and sorta worked. For those of you who haven't been reading my blog for awhile, I had a positive result but it ended up being "not viable". I don't consider it a miscarriage and it wasn't ectopic. I was on 100 mg of Clomid and didn't get a LH surge on the OPK. I was injected with 11.5 million little swimmers.
The second IUI came at CD17. That's much sooner. I wonder why?? However, emotional stress and the holidays didn't help. I was injected with only 5ish million swimmers. I was on 100mg of Clomid again. Nothing happened this time. It totally failed.
Ugh..I HATE that word "failed". Failing a test or failing to get your drivers license because you can't parallel park is one thing...but FAILING to get pregnant WITH medication and help...it's devastating.
Now we're onto IUI cycle #3. So far I've had a rather large cyst (although the nurse assured me it was fine) and 150 mg of clomid from days 5-9. No LH surge yet but I did buy the better kind for less wishy-washy results. Of course I don't know yet how the rest of it will go...All I know is that light clothing and fans are my friends. :)
PS. I didn't actually fail my drivers license test...I was just using it as an example. :)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Strange IVF Treatment Experiment
My DH of all people found this...
Possibly the freakiest IVF treatment ever
A new study says that watching a clown perform after embryos are implanted to women undergoing in-vitro fertilization could significantly impact her chances of getting pregnant.
Dr. Shevach Friedler led the research at a fertility center in Israel, tracking 219 women over the course of a year. Half of the participants viewed a clown show, complete with magic tricks and jokes, that was created especially for the study by the doctor. After implantation, those women watched the antics for 15 minutes, which Dr. Friedler believes helped lower their stress levels.
Whether this is the reason or not, the 36.4% of the women who saw the circus act became pregnant. Only 20.2% of the control group became pregnant. The results were recently published in the medical journal Fertility and Sterility.
Dr. Friedler dreamed up the idea after reviewing research on how laughter aids stress reduction and wanted to provide relief to women at what he noted as a highly stressful moment in their treatment. It probably helps that he is a trained mime. "Medical clowning," he notes, is already standard practice in many children's hospitals and has been used in hospitals worldwide.
It seems like a harmless, albeit a bit strange, addendum to a medical treatment plan. However, since every little percentage point boost makes a difference when you are pursuing pregnancy, why not give old-fashioned comedy a try? (Is it wrong to wonder what shapes the balloons would be?)
And if laughter can help equal babies, I'm assuming the more, the better. I'd just like to request that, should I ever be in that recovery room, the creepy, uncomfortable clown moment is skipped and Louis CK or Chris Rock are sent in for a visit instead.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
God Bless The Broken Road
This song is usually meant for meeting your significant other but I think it has to do with having a child too. Well minus the "lover" part. lol
God Bless the Broken Road
By Rascal Flatts
"Bless The Broken Road"
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]
Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
The message in this song is something I try to remember when I'm having a hard time through this experience. Perhaps one or two of you might find similar comfort in the main meaning of this song. I plan on telling my baby one day "God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you". :)
And hey, it's a LOT better than "it happens for a reason" or "if it's meant to be, it will be". We have to be positive and find hope in knowing that it might not happen how we'd like it to, but it can happen...in it's own way and time. Wow...I really need to follow my own advice more often. lol
On an another note, I went for my check up today and have ANOTHER cyst. I won't know until 3pm if I can go ahead with the Clomid cycle or not. It depends on whether or not it's producing hormones or something. This seems to happen every time I'm about to do a cycle. Weird.
Anyways, happy Tuesday!
God Bless the Broken Road
By Rascal Flatts
"Bless The Broken Road"
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]
Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
The message in this song is something I try to remember when I'm having a hard time through this experience. Perhaps one or two of you might find similar comfort in the main meaning of this song. I plan on telling my baby one day "God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you". :)
And hey, it's a LOT better than "it happens for a reason" or "if it's meant to be, it will be". We have to be positive and find hope in knowing that it might not happen how we'd like it to, but it can happen...in it's own way and time. Wow...I really need to follow my own advice more often. lol
On an another note, I went for my check up today and have ANOTHER cyst. I won't know until 3pm if I can go ahead with the Clomid cycle or not. It depends on whether or not it's producing hormones or something. This seems to happen every time I'm about to do a cycle. Weird.
Anyways, happy Tuesday!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
New Year, New Hope
Like the new look? :) I felt like a change was needed. New year and all that.
This is going to be a very random blog post because frankly that's how it is in my head. Careful...you are entering dangerous territory. lol
I just realized it's been almost a month since my last post. Sadly, this is not from a lack of trying. I've seriously logged on a few times, read a few other blogs, and then sat at the computer staring at the screen. It was like I was waiting for the words to hit me. But I didn't have any.
Actually, that's not true.
I have lots and lots of words to say but they are hard to organize. Hence why this is going to be a very random type of blog.
I'm sure those of you reading this have had similar experiences. Sometimes you just can't express the pain, the anxiety, the excitement, etc. Everything gets jumbled up.
I've even come up with different blog headings or things to talk about. When I come to write it, I just can't get it out. I honestly think this is all affecting me more than I lead anyone to believe.
Last month, as you may have read, nothing happened. The IUI completely failed. This was after my first one "sorta" worked but ended up not being viable.
I do not call it a miscarriage as the nurse told me that's not what it was. But I do find it hard to understand.
Why doesn't it work? Why can it be sooo easy for some people and for others it doesn't happen at all? Why can it try to work one month and then the next time completely fail?
I addressed some of those possible reasons last time so I won't get into them again. It just baffles me though.
Now I'm on the verge of my 3rd IUI hoping and praying for the best. We don't know how much longer we have to be able to try because of our insurance. Our insurance only covers certain things and we might have to change in a few months.
This is when the panic sets in. Then I find myself telling ...well...myself that I need to calm down; stress isn't going to help.
But then sometimes my optimism stresses me out. I don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up too high.
One positive thing since the last post is that I have my apnea more under control. I'm hoping this will be better for when we're doing the IUI. Maybe it will stick this time. Stopping oxygen from my blood and lack of breathing in my sleep is probably not good for conception, embryo, etc.
So now I'm Mrs. Darth Vader. lol
I spent a lot of time with my 14 month (now...13months then) niece over Christmas. We went to KY to visit my husband's family. Luckily I was able to spend time with my sis-in-law and Emma.
I love Emma. She is so much fun. She's even more so since she's walking and talking more. We played and she entertained us. I found myself thinking about Christmas 2011. Will she have a cousin from us?
She fills my heart with SO much joy that sometimes it's overwhelming. Then sometimes I look at her or play with her and think about our troubles and how much we want a baby of our own. It can bring me to tears.
Will I always be just a cool aunt? Or will I be a mommy too?
I will NEVER stop loving her or wanting to be her auntie. I love seeing her and spending time with her. No matter what happens I will always love her.
It's not realistic for me not to WANT a baby though or to think those things while I'm with her. My DH's family doesn't know anything about our troubles or trying to conceive, so he just kept saying "she's on a baby kick". I guess there is truth to that but it's WAY more than just that.
Anyways...sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment.
Some of my FAVORITE shows revolves around pregnancy and/or babies.
Teen Mom 1 and 2, Raising Sextuplets, Quints by Surprise, 16 and Pregnant, Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really helping me or hurting me by watching these shows. I'm not against being with or seeing kids or babies. In fact, I love them. They're my passion, my job, etc.
But going through IF and then watching teenagers get pregnant after having sex once...I won't lie...it gets to me sometimes. I still watch it though. I actually DVR it.
I usually get through them without breaking down. I know there are people who can't even watch them. I hope I don't get to that point. To me, that's when I don't have hope it will ever happen for us.
I'm not there yet. And I don't want to be. At the same time though, this could be our last chance for a long time. That scares me. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself or the situation, but I can't help it.
Day 1 started today and I had to call the voicemail for the nurses. I should hear from someone tomorrow and have an appointment for Tuesday. After that I will know if we are good to go or not. I've had cysts before. Luckily they don't turn out to be bad, but there's always that risk.
My DH goes from worried to saying things about baby names to be freaking out again to talking about baby proofing the house.
It's hard to talk to him about it sometimes because he flip flops so much. It's understandable I guess. It's just hard for me to get him to understand the "woman's" POV.
I was at a little get together on Friday night and it came out why it was the last weekend I could drink (I'm talking 1 glass of wine too, btw). The hostess said (after joking we could have our reality show Hubby and Me+ 10) "Isn't it amazing the stress/fear and love you have for something that's not even here?"
That's not a direct quote but it was something like that. To me, that's how it is. She related it to my DH too because I was telling her NOOO we can't have a reality show. HE WILL FREAK OUT! We're hoping for ONE healthy baby. :)
There are times that twins sound great and people think "how cute" will that be. But if you look at it logically, that's a LOT more than just having one.
At this point, I am okay with one happy and healthy boy or girl. The gender doesn't even matter to me/us.
It's nerve racking to have these many feelings about someone who is just a hope, a dream for now. Just thinking about it I want to cry, laugh, and smile at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I might freak out...and it's amazing that just the THOUGHT having a child makes me feel this way.
I can't wait until he or she is here. I'm going to be in love and worried 24/7!
But that's okay. He or she will be worth it 1 million %,
Here's hoping that 2011 is a GREAT baby year for all of us who are waiting for our blessings.
:)
This is going to be a very random blog post because frankly that's how it is in my head. Careful...you are entering dangerous territory. lol
I just realized it's been almost a month since my last post. Sadly, this is not from a lack of trying. I've seriously logged on a few times, read a few other blogs, and then sat at the computer staring at the screen. It was like I was waiting for the words to hit me. But I didn't have any.
Actually, that's not true.
I have lots and lots of words to say but they are hard to organize. Hence why this is going to be a very random type of blog.
I'm sure those of you reading this have had similar experiences. Sometimes you just can't express the pain, the anxiety, the excitement, etc. Everything gets jumbled up.
I've even come up with different blog headings or things to talk about. When I come to write it, I just can't get it out. I honestly think this is all affecting me more than I lead anyone to believe.
Last month, as you may have read, nothing happened. The IUI completely failed. This was after my first one "sorta" worked but ended up not being viable.
I do not call it a miscarriage as the nurse told me that's not what it was. But I do find it hard to understand.
Why doesn't it work? Why can it be sooo easy for some people and for others it doesn't happen at all? Why can it try to work one month and then the next time completely fail?
I addressed some of those possible reasons last time so I won't get into them again. It just baffles me though.
Now I'm on the verge of my 3rd IUI hoping and praying for the best. We don't know how much longer we have to be able to try because of our insurance. Our insurance only covers certain things and we might have to change in a few months.
This is when the panic sets in. Then I find myself telling ...well...myself that I need to calm down; stress isn't going to help.
But then sometimes my optimism stresses me out. I don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up too high.
One positive thing since the last post is that I have my apnea more under control. I'm hoping this will be better for when we're doing the IUI. Maybe it will stick this time. Stopping oxygen from my blood and lack of breathing in my sleep is probably not good for conception, embryo, etc.
So now I'm Mrs. Darth Vader. lol
I spent a lot of time with my 14 month (now...13months then) niece over Christmas. We went to KY to visit my husband's family. Luckily I was able to spend time with my sis-in-law and Emma.
I love Emma. She is so much fun. She's even more so since she's walking and talking more. We played and she entertained us. I found myself thinking about Christmas 2011. Will she have a cousin from us?
She fills my heart with SO much joy that sometimes it's overwhelming. Then sometimes I look at her or play with her and think about our troubles and how much we want a baby of our own. It can bring me to tears.
Will I always be just a cool aunt? Or will I be a mommy too?
I will NEVER stop loving her or wanting to be her auntie. I love seeing her and spending time with her. No matter what happens I will always love her.
It's not realistic for me not to WANT a baby though or to think those things while I'm with her. My DH's family doesn't know anything about our troubles or trying to conceive, so he just kept saying "she's on a baby kick". I guess there is truth to that but it's WAY more than just that.
Anyways...sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment.
Some of my FAVORITE shows revolves around pregnancy and/or babies.
Teen Mom 1 and 2, Raising Sextuplets, Quints by Surprise, 16 and Pregnant, Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, A Baby Story, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really helping me or hurting me by watching these shows. I'm not against being with or seeing kids or babies. In fact, I love them. They're my passion, my job, etc.
But going through IF and then watching teenagers get pregnant after having sex once...I won't lie...it gets to me sometimes. I still watch it though. I actually DVR it.
I usually get through them without breaking down. I know there are people who can't even watch them. I hope I don't get to that point. To me, that's when I don't have hope it will ever happen for us.
I'm not there yet. And I don't want to be. At the same time though, this could be our last chance for a long time. That scares me. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself or the situation, but I can't help it.
Day 1 started today and I had to call the voicemail for the nurses. I should hear from someone tomorrow and have an appointment for Tuesday. After that I will know if we are good to go or not. I've had cysts before. Luckily they don't turn out to be bad, but there's always that risk.
My DH goes from worried to saying things about baby names to be freaking out again to talking about baby proofing the house.
It's hard to talk to him about it sometimes because he flip flops so much. It's understandable I guess. It's just hard for me to get him to understand the "woman's" POV.
I was at a little get together on Friday night and it came out why it was the last weekend I could drink (I'm talking 1 glass of wine too, btw). The hostess said (after joking we could have our reality show Hubby and Me+ 10) "Isn't it amazing the stress/fear and love you have for something that's not even here?"
That's not a direct quote but it was something like that. To me, that's how it is. She related it to my DH too because I was telling her NOOO we can't have a reality show. HE WILL FREAK OUT! We're hoping for ONE healthy baby. :)
There are times that twins sound great and people think "how cute" will that be. But if you look at it logically, that's a LOT more than just having one.
At this point, I am okay with one happy and healthy boy or girl. The gender doesn't even matter to me/us.
It's nerve racking to have these many feelings about someone who is just a hope, a dream for now. Just thinking about it I want to cry, laugh, and smile at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I might freak out...and it's amazing that just the THOUGHT having a child makes me feel this way.
I can't wait until he or she is here. I'm going to be in love and worried 24/7!
But that's okay. He or she will be worth it 1 million %,
Here's hoping that 2011 is a GREAT baby year for all of us who are waiting for our blessings.
:)
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