Does not writing something make it not true or like it never happened? No...But not writing about something means I can close the door to that messy room and leave it be for awhile. I don't have to look at it or worry about cleaning it. It just gathers dust.
As you may have read from my previous, and short, post...the last IVF attempt didn't work. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Not a shred of me wanted to deal with it by posting all of the gory details.
Sometimes you just don't want to face things.
When I started this blog in 2010 I think, I just found out that I had a hormone imbalance and I would need to see a RE. I didn't know the path that was before me (not that anyone ever does). But I was naive to think that things would click into place and it would all be fine in the end.
It's not the end...so there's still time (and hope) for that. I'm just not sure when, where, or how it's going to be.
Starting on a road like this...you have preconceived notions about how it's going to be...and what it's going to look like. You don't know what is around the corner for doctor visits, tests, and procedures. You're not quite prepared for showing a room full of people your vagina or having strangers stick condom covered, dildo shaped, cameras up your vagina either.
But in the beginning...your goal outweighs the fear and heaviness of anticipation. You want that baby so badly that you will spread eagle and look away because it's all for a common goal.
At this point...I can say that my longing for a child has not diminished at all...I think it's actually stronger than ever. But it's wrapped in a blanket of ....I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe it's cautious optimism...may it's the experience of knowing it may not work...
Maybe it's a bit of pessimism. Whatever it is, it's different. I find myself less likely to openly talk about my troubles unless it is with someone who has gone through the process too. I find people who don't know what I'm going through to be harder to talk to. They don't know the words to say to make them feel like they are saying something helpful and I can't honestly tell them what would make me feel better. There's nothing to say...
It fucking sucks.
So now I'm kind of in limbo with the world of IF...another reason I find it hard to dig deep and reflect.
Basically what happened was this...
Before my IVF, I was on BCPs like normal. I started bleeding DAILY for 3 weeks. I called into the dr's office periodically and was reassured that it was fine and/or it was break-through bleeding. To me, that has NEVER happened...and it should have been looked into more before starting a procedure that's SO important. I'm not a nurse or a dr though...so what do I know?
I started my stims and that seemed to be going very well. Hubs and I got up every day and made it part of our routine. We seemed to be the most on-time and regular than ever before...ironic.
I started doing acupuncture. I did it before the transfer and after plus one time during the dreaded 2ww. But I should have started sooner. My schedule and financial situation didn't allow it. I love my acupuncturist though. She's awesome.
I may have mentioned before (not sure) that she told me the patients she's had that have gone to my doctor...haven't gotten pregnant through his protocols. That, of course, shook me but I was determined to be the exception. She apologized for scaring me but it woke me up. God works in mysterious ways, right? Well, I think part of me meeting her was for her to tell me that. It made me think twice and actually consider getting a second opinion. I was too afraid for whatever reason to look elsewhere...but after all the unsuccessful attempts, I'm not sure I have any other choice.
Anyways....retrieval was okay but not stellar. I talked about it already on here...so let's just get to the rest...
Transfer day was fine. I was good about resting. I did my acupuncture right after. Things seemed to be okay...minus that was only had 1.
Fast forward a week later and I start bleeding. Not spotting...and not severe bleeding, but period-ish bleeding. I know it's the end. I had an acupuncture appt the next day so I went. I told her what was going on and she said she had never heard of it.
Yay, again...I am a medical marvel. *Rolls eyes*
Anyways, she does her thing and that's it.
Fast forward a few more days to my beta test. No surprise...it's negative. Hence, my short post with an unhappy four letter word.
We had a consultation after that (two weeks...I don't remember). He said that I have to lose 20 lbs before he would consider doing treatment again. He's suggested it before but proceeded with the procedures...thus wasting our time and insurance, and number of times that we can even do this...
At this same point in time, we also know that our insurance is actually changing. It's not a maybe or whatever this time. I'm not the girl that cried insurance anymore...the wolf was really there. So that sucks because now we are back to the beginning and without insurance to cover it.
I asked my RE if he would change my protocol and he said there was nothing wrong with it. ?!!!?!!?!?!?!?
It DIDN'T WORK! Yeah, there's something wrong with it!!
But according to him, once I lose the weight, he would do the EXACT same protocol.
Here's my frustration...I don't disagree about losing the weight...but I do disagree about not changing anything or doing more tests. I plan on getting a second opinion when we feel like we can afford to or whatever.
In the meantime, Hubs and I have had some heart to hearts and he REALLY wants a baby. Sometimes I think he's more driven than I am. I guess I just feel more....beaten...or defeated. I really want a baby too...but my hopes and heart have been through a lot.
He's suggested trying to go gluten free. I was good in the beginning of the summer but kinda fell off the wagon a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I'm afraid of being heart broken again...
Either way, I'm trying again...I did lose a few pounds after I started it. So we'll see...
Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for not responding and being absent for awhile. I couldn't face my feelings or thoughts...and sometimes I find it hard to face other people's successes when all I've done is fail. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the Earth....I just had to walk away for awhile.
Thanks for reading. :)
Happy Baby Wishes,
TheMrs.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Vagina Translator
Hubby and I have come to a new understanding...and I call it "The Vagina Translator". This started because my lovely hubs said something that definitely could have been taken the wrong way but he claims that he didn't mean it that way.
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
Idle Minds ....Think Stupid Things
I was pretty good last week with taking it easy. I wasn't on strict bed rest or anything but definitely took things easily. I ignored most of the cleaning that needs to be done, took myself to the movies, tried to distract myself with catching up with my DVR, and slept.
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Chuck Norris is in My Uterus
Well today was the big, big, big day (Hunger Games reference).
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
Monday, April 23, 2012
May the Odds Be Ever In My Favor
Hello...
I'd like to say that I've been super busy and that's why I haven't blogged but that's only partially true. Avoidance and procrastination are probably more to blame.
Thursday was my retrieval. Only 8 eggs this time. One of my ovaries wasn't responding as well or as fast as the other. That was a bit of a let down. We found out that 5 fertilized...Again, the numbers weren't great. Last time we had 13 eggs, 9 fertilized and 4 embies.
We actually don't know how many embies made it over the weekend. All I know is that the plan is to do 2 tomorrow. Hubs and I have decided though that if we have 1, 2, or 3, we're doing all of them. If we have 4, we will transfer 2 and freeze 2. If we have 5, transfer 3, freeze 2. So we have a plan but we don't know what we're working with right now.
I understand some of their reasoning for not knowing...but it will have to be a decision tomorrow instead of one in advance. Hopefully all goes well and we can transfer 3 and freeze 2.
I am a realist though..sometimes... lol So I am hoping at least 2 have been growing like rock stars. Anything more than is a total bonus.
I decided to start acupuncture this time around because I know some people who have had success with it. I wanted to start earlier in the cycle but due to money and scheduling, it didn't work out. Plus, I totally forgot how (somewhat) fast the shots and stuff go.
So my first time was on Saturday. I REALLY like the acupuncturist lady. I think she is super cool and compassionate. She's on your side and wants to help you. I told her I already had the retrieval and was going to have the transfer. Just so happens it was going to occur on days she doesn't work (day before transfer and day of transfer) but she offered to come to my house or meet me at the office. We both live 45 min away or so from the office. I told her no to the home thing because my dogs would go nuts.
But how many times has someone in her position said she'd come on a day she's not working just for YOU?
Yeah, not many.
Anyways, the first time wasn't bad. I only felt a few pricks but they didn't hurt. Just the initial sting. I actually felt kinda good. But as soon as she left me alone...
I started crying.
Now I know that I am on Crinone gel and my hormones have been out of whack...but there was just a huge amount of emotion that came out.
Hubs and I have been doing the shots and I've been going to my appts. My one hand looked like a pin cushion for awhile...and I haven't really let the emotions surrounding all of this hit me. Oh but it hit me that day.
Acupuncture on Saturday kinda felt like a last ditch effort or something out of desperation but it's really not. I can't think of it like that.
So today I found out that the transfer is tomorrow (Tues) and called K's cellphone. She called me back and made arrangements to meet me. And we also made an appt for tomorrow too. She's planned on being at the office so she's ready for me to get there...early or later than expected.
How fricking nice is that?!
There's no guarantee that this will work but I am hoping it does! You never know... :)
I'm feeling more optimistic. She's even excited for me.
Wish me luck, baby dust, and sticky vibes for tomorrow. I'd appreciate it!
I can't type anymore because I'm getting a cramp. I don't like typing in laptop keyboards....
Anyways,
Best Baby wishes to you all.
Love,
TheMrs
I'd like to say that I've been super busy and that's why I haven't blogged but that's only partially true. Avoidance and procrastination are probably more to blame.
Thursday was my retrieval. Only 8 eggs this time. One of my ovaries wasn't responding as well or as fast as the other. That was a bit of a let down. We found out that 5 fertilized...Again, the numbers weren't great. Last time we had 13 eggs, 9 fertilized and 4 embies.
We actually don't know how many embies made it over the weekend. All I know is that the plan is to do 2 tomorrow. Hubs and I have decided though that if we have 1, 2, or 3, we're doing all of them. If we have 4, we will transfer 2 and freeze 2. If we have 5, transfer 3, freeze 2. So we have a plan but we don't know what we're working with right now.
I understand some of their reasoning for not knowing...but it will have to be a decision tomorrow instead of one in advance. Hopefully all goes well and we can transfer 3 and freeze 2.
I am a realist though..sometimes... lol So I am hoping at least 2 have been growing like rock stars. Anything more than is a total bonus.
I decided to start acupuncture this time around because I know some people who have had success with it. I wanted to start earlier in the cycle but due to money and scheduling, it didn't work out. Plus, I totally forgot how (somewhat) fast the shots and stuff go.
So my first time was on Saturday. I REALLY like the acupuncturist lady. I think she is super cool and compassionate. She's on your side and wants to help you. I told her I already had the retrieval and was going to have the transfer. Just so happens it was going to occur on days she doesn't work (day before transfer and day of transfer) but she offered to come to my house or meet me at the office. We both live 45 min away or so from the office. I told her no to the home thing because my dogs would go nuts.
But how many times has someone in her position said she'd come on a day she's not working just for YOU?
Yeah, not many.
Anyways, the first time wasn't bad. I only felt a few pricks but they didn't hurt. Just the initial sting. I actually felt kinda good. But as soon as she left me alone...
I started crying.
Now I know that I am on Crinone gel and my hormones have been out of whack...but there was just a huge amount of emotion that came out.
Hubs and I have been doing the shots and I've been going to my appts. My one hand looked like a pin cushion for awhile...and I haven't really let the emotions surrounding all of this hit me. Oh but it hit me that day.
Acupuncture on Saturday kinda felt like a last ditch effort or something out of desperation but it's really not. I can't think of it like that.
So today I found out that the transfer is tomorrow (Tues) and called K's cellphone. She called me back and made arrangements to meet me. And we also made an appt for tomorrow too. She's planned on being at the office so she's ready for me to get there...early or later than expected.
How fricking nice is that?!
There's no guarantee that this will work but I am hoping it does! You never know... :)
I'm feeling more optimistic. She's even excited for me.
Wish me luck, baby dust, and sticky vibes for tomorrow. I'd appreciate it!
I can't type anymore because I'm getting a cramp. I don't like typing in laptop keyboards....
Anyways,
Best Baby wishes to you all.
Love,
TheMrs
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Don't Mess With Me, Period.
You know the old package of pasta or can of something that sits in the back of your pantry...outdated? Or the leftovers you totally forgot about in the back of your fridge?
Yeah that is kinda how my feelings about IF have been for awhile now....Stored in the back...festering and getting stale.
Don't get me wrong, infertility is something I live with and think about on a daily basis. It just hasn't been until now that I am getting back into the swing of things or about to begin a new cycle.
IVF #2 begins Friday. I am officially off bcps. Wahoo! I get to have another period. Yay!
I've had a period for 2 and a half weeks. So even though it was the lightest it has been today, as soon as my body is like "oh there's no more bcps" I am most likely going to get it again. Fun times. Luckily I saw pads were on sale recently and decided to stock up.
On Monday, we had our stim start. I forgot that we pay our co-pay for less than 2 minutes with the doc, an ultrasound, and blood work.
Ugh. I dislike that part BUT I can't complain too much because there are people that have to pay WAY more than we do. Despite what my hubs may say, we are VERY lucky to have this insurance and pay what little we have to.
VERY.
It hasn't quite paid off yet, but each little thing adds up.
Going back to the beginning for a sec, I feel like I used to be better at this. At blogging. At telling my story. At being humorous in these situations.
I had to reread some past posts to fill out a health history and it got me thinking.
I am way more pessimistic now than I was in 2010. Back then everything was new and more hopeful because we were still in the beginning stages.
As time as gone by and the doctors visits have become more numerous, invasive, and sometimes downright depressing...that same hopeful spark seems to have fizzled.
I briefly saw on someone else's blog that they were saying how NOT blogging was sometimes just as therapeutic as blogging.
I completely agree.
Now that we've gone through all that we have, it does take the fight out of you a bit. And sometimes you don't want to talk about it.
Frankly, I don't want to think about it. Not in terms of how I feel or how much it sucks or how to turn it into a funny subject line.
I live it. I don't always need to put it into words. Or maybe it's just me hiding. Hiding from the world that hurts me repeatedly. Hide from the truth of the situation. Putting my feelings towards the back of the pantry only to be discovered months past its expiration date.
It was almost a year ago that we went down this same road and it is as scary now as it was then. Sure I remember more of what happens and what to do...but it's almost harder knowing that we could be doing ALL of this for ...relatively nothing. The first time didn't work. Not much as changed since then....so...
I need to be more realistic and cautiously optimistic than pessimistic. I realize I am writing at 1:30AM and I should be in bed instead.
Sometimes hope comes at weird times though...
For instance, I had a strange dream the other night. I will tell you the short version. :)
I was going to my old childhood home. It looked wrong...like a log cabin or something. But we (myself and whomever was with me) decided to go in. As we tried to go in, we seemed to get bigger and the place seemed to get smaller. But magically I got in the house. I ended up in the upstairs level I think too. Dreams have weird physics and logistics. Anyways, I am by myself now and see all kinds of baby things. From the bouncers to the jungle gyms to clothes, etc. Then in the middle of the floor is this smiling baby with dark hair and dark eyes waiting for me. There seem to be other dolls or babies around her but they are not looking at me. She's just looking at me...expectantly. It's as if she's just been waiting there for me.
So of course, I start BAWLING my eyes out in the dream. I actually woke up (to pee) with tears in my eyes.
Hope comes at weird times. Sometimes when you need to be reminded that this is a process and yes it does kinda suck...but...
Somewhere that baby is waiting to grow inside me and then be born into this world.
Obviously this is a very upsetting struggle to go through time and time again. But for that baby, I am holding on to that hope for dear life.
It's not that I am pessimistic...it's more that I want this SO badly that I can barely allow myself to get excited or hopeful in case we are disappointed again.
Slowly my heart is realizing that this is really going to happen again...and to prepare for the journey ahead. This is just one more stepping stone. One more bridge to cross. One more hurdle.
And I've got a lot of fight.
Yeah that is kinda how my feelings about IF have been for awhile now....Stored in the back...festering and getting stale.
Don't get me wrong, infertility is something I live with and think about on a daily basis. It just hasn't been until now that I am getting back into the swing of things or about to begin a new cycle.
IVF #2 begins Friday. I am officially off bcps. Wahoo! I get to have another period. Yay!
I've had a period for 2 and a half weeks. So even though it was the lightest it has been today, as soon as my body is like "oh there's no more bcps" I am most likely going to get it again. Fun times. Luckily I saw pads were on sale recently and decided to stock up.
On Monday, we had our stim start. I forgot that we pay our co-pay for less than 2 minutes with the doc, an ultrasound, and blood work.
Ugh. I dislike that part BUT I can't complain too much because there are people that have to pay WAY more than we do. Despite what my hubs may say, we are VERY lucky to have this insurance and pay what little we have to.
VERY.
It hasn't quite paid off yet, but each little thing adds up.
Going back to the beginning for a sec, I feel like I used to be better at this. At blogging. At telling my story. At being humorous in these situations.
I had to reread some past posts to fill out a health history and it got me thinking.
I am way more pessimistic now than I was in 2010. Back then everything was new and more hopeful because we were still in the beginning stages.
As time as gone by and the doctors visits have become more numerous, invasive, and sometimes downright depressing...that same hopeful spark seems to have fizzled.
I briefly saw on someone else's blog that they were saying how NOT blogging was sometimes just as therapeutic as blogging.
I completely agree.
Now that we've gone through all that we have, it does take the fight out of you a bit. And sometimes you don't want to talk about it.
Frankly, I don't want to think about it. Not in terms of how I feel or how much it sucks or how to turn it into a funny subject line.
I live it. I don't always need to put it into words. Or maybe it's just me hiding. Hiding from the world that hurts me repeatedly. Hide from the truth of the situation. Putting my feelings towards the back of the pantry only to be discovered months past its expiration date.
It was almost a year ago that we went down this same road and it is as scary now as it was then. Sure I remember more of what happens and what to do...but it's almost harder knowing that we could be doing ALL of this for ...relatively nothing. The first time didn't work. Not much as changed since then....so...
I need to be more realistic and cautiously optimistic than pessimistic. I realize I am writing at 1:30AM and I should be in bed instead.
Sometimes hope comes at weird times though...
For instance, I had a strange dream the other night. I will tell you the short version. :)
I was going to my old childhood home. It looked wrong...like a log cabin or something. But we (myself and whomever was with me) decided to go in. As we tried to go in, we seemed to get bigger and the place seemed to get smaller. But magically I got in the house. I ended up in the upstairs level I think too. Dreams have weird physics and logistics. Anyways, I am by myself now and see all kinds of baby things. From the bouncers to the jungle gyms to clothes, etc. Then in the middle of the floor is this smiling baby with dark hair and dark eyes waiting for me. There seem to be other dolls or babies around her but they are not looking at me. She's just looking at me...expectantly. It's as if she's just been waiting there for me.
So of course, I start BAWLING my eyes out in the dream. I actually woke up (to pee) with tears in my eyes.
Hope comes at weird times. Sometimes when you need to be reminded that this is a process and yes it does kinda suck...but...
Somewhere that baby is waiting to grow inside me and then be born into this world.
Obviously this is a very upsetting struggle to go through time and time again. But for that baby, I am holding on to that hope for dear life.
It's not that I am pessimistic...it's more that I want this SO badly that I can barely allow myself to get excited or hopeful in case we are disappointed again.
Slowly my heart is realizing that this is really going to happen again...and to prepare for the journey ahead. This is just one more stepping stone. One more bridge to cross. One more hurdle.
And I've got a lot of fight.
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