except...
F
U
C
K
Friday, May 4, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Vagina Translator
Hubby and I have come to a new understanding...and I call it "The Vagina Translator". This started because my lovely hubs said something that definitely could have been taken the wrong way but he claims that he didn't mean it that way.
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
I told him that the Vagina Translator sometimes turns what he says into something that I get offended by. It is just nature. The oldest example of this when a woman asks the question, Does this make my butt look big? It's hard for the man to come up with anything suitable for us because a hesitation can translate into a "yes".
We all have this in our relationships...where we as woman sometimes make things worse than they really are. Sometimes the men in our lives need to rephrase something...
But it is our fault once in awhile. I invite you to use your translator though in conversations and acknowledging that it happens...will usually result in better communication and laughter.
Since the night that I came up with this, we've used it in several conversations. Sometimes Hubs will say something and I will be like "well the vagina translator thinks you mean (insert different meaning to what he just said)". And he will usually reassure me that this is not the case.
LOL
Maybe it's not for everyone, but it's been a way for me to express that it is possible for me to take things the wrong way ...ESPECIALLY when he thinks he is being funny.
Usually the translator turns something into an insult when it wasn't meant to be.
I dunno...it works for us. :)
I will work on some examples later. My brain hurts....
Hugs,
TheMrs
Idle Minds ....Think Stupid Things
I was pretty good last week with taking it easy. I wasn't on strict bed rest or anything but definitely took things easily. I ignored most of the cleaning that needs to be done, took myself to the movies, tried to distract myself with catching up with my DVR, and slept.
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
But in the moments in between things, my mind starts to wander...I think some of the most ridiculous things. I'm not even sure I can relay them on here because they are quite embarrassing.
Normally at this point of a pregnancy or possible pregnancy, the woman is none the wiser. When you are going through IVF and you know that something has started growing and is hoping to attach...it makes you think crazy things.
There should be a book about What to Expect When You're Waiting After a IVF Cycle. Normal books talk about how a normal pregnancy is and what you should or shouldn't feel.
I am pretty sure that the majority of the books would be the same as babies generally grow the same either way. :) But the one I suggested should have the first 5 chapters as...
You will not feel anything yet.
You will not hurt your embryo by lying on your stomach or bending down to paint your toe nails. You will not hurt anything if you wear jeans instead of sweatpants and yes, you can do a little laundry.
The amount of things that crossed my mind and then made me laugh at myself...is really too much to even write. Some of them were so absurd but I have forgotten them now.
The fertility website I go on sometimes has a great forum where people talk about their stories, successes, and such. Some people report feeling all kinds of things...which makes me panic that maybe I haven't felt anything.
I am still trying to give myself a chance...but I have to admit I woke up in a pretty pessimistic mood yesterday. So it's kind of a blessing in disguise that I haven't been able to get on said website for the last few days. It both soothes my mind as well as makes me wonder what I'm supposed to be doing, feeling, etc.
Truth is...we all have different experiences. And also, everything that people claim they feel or experience during this time...I feel like I can negate each one. Being tired, wanting to eat different things, nausea, boob twinges, etc...
That's part of PMS for me and I also take a pill that deals with my prolactin/boobs. I don't have a gallbladder anymore due to gallstones so I sometimes have tummy problems.
So you see...I pretty much drive myself crazy during this time. I try so hard not to...but the constant questioning is always there.
The other night I had some weird sharp pains in my left side of my pelvic area. It was really strange. It came all of a sudden. I almost woke up the hubby but it stopped so I shrugged it off.
TMI moment....WARNING...
I also had a glob of my crinone gel come out. That's never happened before.
But I probably just put it in funny that day or something.
Who knows....Just thought it was odd.
Side note...
Hubby has a phone interview today for somewhere across the country. It would be huge for him to get it. It would be more money, something he loves to do, and a great company to work for.
However, it would also mean a huge move.
We're hoping that 2 good things happen this week. I hope his interview goes well and he gets offered the job (despite my loathing for moving and intense fear of change) and of course...that "Chuck Norris" has decided to stick around and strive to go full term.
We shall see...
Thinking of You,
TheMrs
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Chuck Norris is in My Uterus
Well today was the big, big, big day (Hunger Games reference).
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
I'd like to say it was better than expected...but it was just...unexpected.
While we were wondering last night how many embies we had, we came up with our "if this" and our "if that" plans.
....We ended up only having 1 embryo. Granted, we were assured that our 4AA grade embie was the best quality, it was still a shock.
So now...Chuck (or Charlotte) Norris is in my uterus. We nicknamed our embryo this because Chuck Norris can do anything. I will post a link to some of those CN jokes. :)
It was our attempt to find some kind of humor and hope in this situation. We were dealt a different hand today than we expected but we're still trying to remain positive.
Acupuncture went well. I honestly hope it helps. Other than that I am going to lie low for awhile and see what happens. May 4th is going to be our blood test day. Excited and scared. We're literally putting all of our eggs into one basket. No snowbabies in the daycare this time. But...
It only takes one...and this one just happens to have the powers of Chuck Norris. lol At least we hope so. :)
Baby wishes,
TheMrs
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts
Monday, April 23, 2012
May the Odds Be Ever In My Favor
Hello...
I'd like to say that I've been super busy and that's why I haven't blogged but that's only partially true. Avoidance and procrastination are probably more to blame.
Thursday was my retrieval. Only 8 eggs this time. One of my ovaries wasn't responding as well or as fast as the other. That was a bit of a let down. We found out that 5 fertilized...Again, the numbers weren't great. Last time we had 13 eggs, 9 fertilized and 4 embies.
We actually don't know how many embies made it over the weekend. All I know is that the plan is to do 2 tomorrow. Hubs and I have decided though that if we have 1, 2, or 3, we're doing all of them. If we have 4, we will transfer 2 and freeze 2. If we have 5, transfer 3, freeze 2. So we have a plan but we don't know what we're working with right now.
I understand some of their reasoning for not knowing...but it will have to be a decision tomorrow instead of one in advance. Hopefully all goes well and we can transfer 3 and freeze 2.
I am a realist though..sometimes... lol So I am hoping at least 2 have been growing like rock stars. Anything more than is a total bonus.
I decided to start acupuncture this time around because I know some people who have had success with it. I wanted to start earlier in the cycle but due to money and scheduling, it didn't work out. Plus, I totally forgot how (somewhat) fast the shots and stuff go.
So my first time was on Saturday. I REALLY like the acupuncturist lady. I think she is super cool and compassionate. She's on your side and wants to help you. I told her I already had the retrieval and was going to have the transfer. Just so happens it was going to occur on days she doesn't work (day before transfer and day of transfer) but she offered to come to my house or meet me at the office. We both live 45 min away or so from the office. I told her no to the home thing because my dogs would go nuts.
But how many times has someone in her position said she'd come on a day she's not working just for YOU?
Yeah, not many.
Anyways, the first time wasn't bad. I only felt a few pricks but they didn't hurt. Just the initial sting. I actually felt kinda good. But as soon as she left me alone...
I started crying.
Now I know that I am on Crinone gel and my hormones have been out of whack...but there was just a huge amount of emotion that came out.
Hubs and I have been doing the shots and I've been going to my appts. My one hand looked like a pin cushion for awhile...and I haven't really let the emotions surrounding all of this hit me. Oh but it hit me that day.
Acupuncture on Saturday kinda felt like a last ditch effort or something out of desperation but it's really not. I can't think of it like that.
So today I found out that the transfer is tomorrow (Tues) and called K's cellphone. She called me back and made arrangements to meet me. And we also made an appt for tomorrow too. She's planned on being at the office so she's ready for me to get there...early or later than expected.
How fricking nice is that?!
There's no guarantee that this will work but I am hoping it does! You never know... :)
I'm feeling more optimistic. She's even excited for me.
Wish me luck, baby dust, and sticky vibes for tomorrow. I'd appreciate it!
I can't type anymore because I'm getting a cramp. I don't like typing in laptop keyboards....
Anyways,
Best Baby wishes to you all.
Love,
TheMrs
I'd like to say that I've been super busy and that's why I haven't blogged but that's only partially true. Avoidance and procrastination are probably more to blame.
Thursday was my retrieval. Only 8 eggs this time. One of my ovaries wasn't responding as well or as fast as the other. That was a bit of a let down. We found out that 5 fertilized...Again, the numbers weren't great. Last time we had 13 eggs, 9 fertilized and 4 embies.
We actually don't know how many embies made it over the weekend. All I know is that the plan is to do 2 tomorrow. Hubs and I have decided though that if we have 1, 2, or 3, we're doing all of them. If we have 4, we will transfer 2 and freeze 2. If we have 5, transfer 3, freeze 2. So we have a plan but we don't know what we're working with right now.
I understand some of their reasoning for not knowing...but it will have to be a decision tomorrow instead of one in advance. Hopefully all goes well and we can transfer 3 and freeze 2.
I am a realist though..sometimes... lol So I am hoping at least 2 have been growing like rock stars. Anything more than is a total bonus.
I decided to start acupuncture this time around because I know some people who have had success with it. I wanted to start earlier in the cycle but due to money and scheduling, it didn't work out. Plus, I totally forgot how (somewhat) fast the shots and stuff go.
So my first time was on Saturday. I REALLY like the acupuncturist lady. I think she is super cool and compassionate. She's on your side and wants to help you. I told her I already had the retrieval and was going to have the transfer. Just so happens it was going to occur on days she doesn't work (day before transfer and day of transfer) but she offered to come to my house or meet me at the office. We both live 45 min away or so from the office. I told her no to the home thing because my dogs would go nuts.
But how many times has someone in her position said she'd come on a day she's not working just for YOU?
Yeah, not many.
Anyways, the first time wasn't bad. I only felt a few pricks but they didn't hurt. Just the initial sting. I actually felt kinda good. But as soon as she left me alone...
I started crying.
Now I know that I am on Crinone gel and my hormones have been out of whack...but there was just a huge amount of emotion that came out.
Hubs and I have been doing the shots and I've been going to my appts. My one hand looked like a pin cushion for awhile...and I haven't really let the emotions surrounding all of this hit me. Oh but it hit me that day.
Acupuncture on Saturday kinda felt like a last ditch effort or something out of desperation but it's really not. I can't think of it like that.
So today I found out that the transfer is tomorrow (Tues) and called K's cellphone. She called me back and made arrangements to meet me. And we also made an appt for tomorrow too. She's planned on being at the office so she's ready for me to get there...early or later than expected.
How fricking nice is that?!
There's no guarantee that this will work but I am hoping it does! You never know... :)
I'm feeling more optimistic. She's even excited for me.
Wish me luck, baby dust, and sticky vibes for tomorrow. I'd appreciate it!
I can't type anymore because I'm getting a cramp. I don't like typing in laptop keyboards....
Anyways,
Best Baby wishes to you all.
Love,
TheMrs
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Don't Mess With Me, Period.
You know the old package of pasta or can of something that sits in the back of your pantry...outdated? Or the leftovers you totally forgot about in the back of your fridge?
Yeah that is kinda how my feelings about IF have been for awhile now....Stored in the back...festering and getting stale.
Don't get me wrong, infertility is something I live with and think about on a daily basis. It just hasn't been until now that I am getting back into the swing of things or about to begin a new cycle.
IVF #2 begins Friday. I am officially off bcps. Wahoo! I get to have another period. Yay!
I've had a period for 2 and a half weeks. So even though it was the lightest it has been today, as soon as my body is like "oh there's no more bcps" I am most likely going to get it again. Fun times. Luckily I saw pads were on sale recently and decided to stock up.
On Monday, we had our stim start. I forgot that we pay our co-pay for less than 2 minutes with the doc, an ultrasound, and blood work.
Ugh. I dislike that part BUT I can't complain too much because there are people that have to pay WAY more than we do. Despite what my hubs may say, we are VERY lucky to have this insurance and pay what little we have to.
VERY.
It hasn't quite paid off yet, but each little thing adds up.
Going back to the beginning for a sec, I feel like I used to be better at this. At blogging. At telling my story. At being humorous in these situations.
I had to reread some past posts to fill out a health history and it got me thinking.
I am way more pessimistic now than I was in 2010. Back then everything was new and more hopeful because we were still in the beginning stages.
As time as gone by and the doctors visits have become more numerous, invasive, and sometimes downright depressing...that same hopeful spark seems to have fizzled.
I briefly saw on someone else's blog that they were saying how NOT blogging was sometimes just as therapeutic as blogging.
I completely agree.
Now that we've gone through all that we have, it does take the fight out of you a bit. And sometimes you don't want to talk about it.
Frankly, I don't want to think about it. Not in terms of how I feel or how much it sucks or how to turn it into a funny subject line.
I live it. I don't always need to put it into words. Or maybe it's just me hiding. Hiding from the world that hurts me repeatedly. Hide from the truth of the situation. Putting my feelings towards the back of the pantry only to be discovered months past its expiration date.
It was almost a year ago that we went down this same road and it is as scary now as it was then. Sure I remember more of what happens and what to do...but it's almost harder knowing that we could be doing ALL of this for ...relatively nothing. The first time didn't work. Not much as changed since then....so...
I need to be more realistic and cautiously optimistic than pessimistic. I realize I am writing at 1:30AM and I should be in bed instead.
Sometimes hope comes at weird times though...
For instance, I had a strange dream the other night. I will tell you the short version. :)
I was going to my old childhood home. It looked wrong...like a log cabin or something. But we (myself and whomever was with me) decided to go in. As we tried to go in, we seemed to get bigger and the place seemed to get smaller. But magically I got in the house. I ended up in the upstairs level I think too. Dreams have weird physics and logistics. Anyways, I am by myself now and see all kinds of baby things. From the bouncers to the jungle gyms to clothes, etc. Then in the middle of the floor is this smiling baby with dark hair and dark eyes waiting for me. There seem to be other dolls or babies around her but they are not looking at me. She's just looking at me...expectantly. It's as if she's just been waiting there for me.
So of course, I start BAWLING my eyes out in the dream. I actually woke up (to pee) with tears in my eyes.
Hope comes at weird times. Sometimes when you need to be reminded that this is a process and yes it does kinda suck...but...
Somewhere that baby is waiting to grow inside me and then be born into this world.
Obviously this is a very upsetting struggle to go through time and time again. But for that baby, I am holding on to that hope for dear life.
It's not that I am pessimistic...it's more that I want this SO badly that I can barely allow myself to get excited or hopeful in case we are disappointed again.
Slowly my heart is realizing that this is really going to happen again...and to prepare for the journey ahead. This is just one more stepping stone. One more bridge to cross. One more hurdle.
And I've got a lot of fight.
Yeah that is kinda how my feelings about IF have been for awhile now....Stored in the back...festering and getting stale.
Don't get me wrong, infertility is something I live with and think about on a daily basis. It just hasn't been until now that I am getting back into the swing of things or about to begin a new cycle.
IVF #2 begins Friday. I am officially off bcps. Wahoo! I get to have another period. Yay!
I've had a period for 2 and a half weeks. So even though it was the lightest it has been today, as soon as my body is like "oh there's no more bcps" I am most likely going to get it again. Fun times. Luckily I saw pads were on sale recently and decided to stock up.
On Monday, we had our stim start. I forgot that we pay our co-pay for less than 2 minutes with the doc, an ultrasound, and blood work.
Ugh. I dislike that part BUT I can't complain too much because there are people that have to pay WAY more than we do. Despite what my hubs may say, we are VERY lucky to have this insurance and pay what little we have to.
VERY.
It hasn't quite paid off yet, but each little thing adds up.
Going back to the beginning for a sec, I feel like I used to be better at this. At blogging. At telling my story. At being humorous in these situations.
I had to reread some past posts to fill out a health history and it got me thinking.
I am way more pessimistic now than I was in 2010. Back then everything was new and more hopeful because we were still in the beginning stages.
As time as gone by and the doctors visits have become more numerous, invasive, and sometimes downright depressing...that same hopeful spark seems to have fizzled.
I briefly saw on someone else's blog that they were saying how NOT blogging was sometimes just as therapeutic as blogging.
I completely agree.
Now that we've gone through all that we have, it does take the fight out of you a bit. And sometimes you don't want to talk about it.
Frankly, I don't want to think about it. Not in terms of how I feel or how much it sucks or how to turn it into a funny subject line.
I live it. I don't always need to put it into words. Or maybe it's just me hiding. Hiding from the world that hurts me repeatedly. Hide from the truth of the situation. Putting my feelings towards the back of the pantry only to be discovered months past its expiration date.
It was almost a year ago that we went down this same road and it is as scary now as it was then. Sure I remember more of what happens and what to do...but it's almost harder knowing that we could be doing ALL of this for ...relatively nothing. The first time didn't work. Not much as changed since then....so...
I need to be more realistic and cautiously optimistic than pessimistic. I realize I am writing at 1:30AM and I should be in bed instead.
Sometimes hope comes at weird times though...
For instance, I had a strange dream the other night. I will tell you the short version. :)
I was going to my old childhood home. It looked wrong...like a log cabin or something. But we (myself and whomever was with me) decided to go in. As we tried to go in, we seemed to get bigger and the place seemed to get smaller. But magically I got in the house. I ended up in the upstairs level I think too. Dreams have weird physics and logistics. Anyways, I am by myself now and see all kinds of baby things. From the bouncers to the jungle gyms to clothes, etc. Then in the middle of the floor is this smiling baby with dark hair and dark eyes waiting for me. There seem to be other dolls or babies around her but they are not looking at me. She's just looking at me...expectantly. It's as if she's just been waiting there for me.
So of course, I start BAWLING my eyes out in the dream. I actually woke up (to pee) with tears in my eyes.
Hope comes at weird times. Sometimes when you need to be reminded that this is a process and yes it does kinda suck...but...
Somewhere that baby is waiting to grow inside me and then be born into this world.
Obviously this is a very upsetting struggle to go through time and time again. But for that baby, I am holding on to that hope for dear life.
It's not that I am pessimistic...it's more that I want this SO badly that I can barely allow myself to get excited or hopeful in case we are disappointed again.
Slowly my heart is realizing that this is really going to happen again...and to prepare for the journey ahead. This is just one more stepping stone. One more bridge to cross. One more hurdle.
And I've got a lot of fight.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Updates, Randomness, and WTFs
Hello to those in the blogosphere. It's been awhile. I don't know how many times I wanted to post but something always got in the way. Most likely...it was myself.
Hubby's/our insurance issue has returned. No surprise there. Literally a few days after telling him that I was ready to start again, he was told that the deal he had with the employer was over. Seems to always happen like that.
I hurt my back really bad and ended up visiting the ER towards the end of January. I was off for a whole week because I had trouble even walking around. That really sucked.
Then of course as soon as I get back to my part time daycare gig, they put me in a room full of toddlers and then two year olds. Yeah, my doctor (I had to do a follow up after the ER) said it could take weeks, even a month before my back was feeling normal again. So it made total sense that my boss threw me in a room with little ones right after the whole ordeal. Ugh. She had also sent me home a week prior to that because I was in so much pain.
I was helping get the tods to sleep one day and I was holding a little girl in the rocking chair (because I couldn't sit next to her like we'd normally do). She was giving me kisses and laying her head on my shoulder. Of course I am super sensitive to that kind of thing. She made my heart melt. Luckily she did fall asleep too. :)
I've always felt like I was born to be a mom. People that know me know how I am with kids and how much I love them. They know how I can be patient (except with Hubs lol) and kind. I like to have fun but still be able to teach right from wrong. I just love kids. Being with children is what I was born to do. I always thought it was teaching in elementary education too...but sometimes (okay a lot of times) I'm not sure that's me anymore.
My third grade teacher was fun and still managed to teach us things. That was about 20 yrs ago...WHOA...just realized that. :) But the world of education has changed a lot. I kind of feel like I've been searching for that prime opportunity where I can be like he was. I don't know if he is still like that to this day. He may even be retired. I think wanting to be that kind of teacher has been a motivator but then somewhat of a hinderance once I got out into the "real world" and got a taste of what it is really like. There's a lot more politics and ass kissing and crap I don't like than I thought there would be. I guess that is me being naive but still....
I found some stuff from when I was a student teacher and some of the notes I had from my cooperating teacher the other day. I feel like I've grown from where I was 6.5 yrs ago (wow that's crazy!) and am better than I was. But even the educator I am now while subbing or working with my school aged children doesn't seem to fit into the real world of teaching.
Maybe it's just my nerves and lack of self confidence talking but I do feel like that is part of why I am reluctant to push harder and harder for a real teaching job.
Food for thought anyways....
So now we have the question (as always)...do we start IVF again or not...Well, one day it was "yes, let's start" and then a week later it was "well, we'll see" or "depends on how things go" or "get a new job" or "get a new job with insurance".
One of my new favorite shows is America's Super Nanny. She's AWESOME! And working with children on a daily basis means I need new techniques and insights to discipline, etc. So it's really a helpful tool as well. Sometimes the families are a hot mess...Okay, usually they are. But anyways, she has some really great strategies and I feel like it's informative.
Last night I was catching up on my DVR and watched an episode about a family of 10 kids, mom and dad. The kids are almost a year apart...so I am sure Mom is preggers every year. She was also currently 8 months pregnant during the filming of this with twins! The kids were violent with one another and very hurtful. I cannot even express how ridiculous it was. Anyways...Deborah (aka SuperNanny) comes and observes the first day. The next day she has a meeting with Mom and Dad. She lays it all on the line and even gets pretty stern with them. Pregnant (with twins) Mom says she's sick of her kids. Deborah looks at her like WTF? You have 2 more on the way! etc etc
I started bawling. I am glad this family is blessed with 10 (now 12) children and they are so fertile they can have a baby every year. But it broke my heart that she seemed to be taking it all for granted. Those of us going through IF cannot even fathom having the ability to "just get pregnant" let alone do it every year. And then to say you're SICK of them?!
Okay...I understand as a parent you get frustrated and may feel like you're in a losing battle from time to time I can understand that but she was so straight faced. I kept thinking "do you think those 2 new babies are going to change all that?" Getting pregnant again and again to get a "redo" is what I felt like she was doing. I don't know if that's true but I was just crying my eyes out.
Luckily they seemed to make things better with Deborah's techniques. I just found it so heart breaking that she'd even say that.
I think it's on Lifetime and the story I'm referring to is The Carzell family if you'd like to check it out.
All in all, I'm kind of in a funk. Most of the time I feel like I can't do anything right. First it was being a teacher and then I thought at least I could be a mom (something I've always wanted even more than being a teacher) and I can't even do that. F*ing heart breaking.
Since the failure of the transfer I feel like I've been building up a lot of feelings and it's just now starting to fizz out...sometimes more than others. It looks different too. Sometimes it's buying things I shouldn't. Sometimes it's eating things I shouldn't. Sometimes it is sleeping longer than I should. Sometimes it's getting bitchy at hubby or it's taking everything he says as a slap in the face. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's a good old fashioned cry. Sometimes it's staring at a computer screen not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's reading a book. Sometimes it's playing on my ipod or Kindle. Sometimes it's getting involved with a friend's sister's baby shower. Sometimes it's writing a blog...
I realize it's not "all over" or "there's nothing I can do". There are things to do or try or whatever. I'm just in a WTF kind of mood and needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading...
TheMrs.
Brief Update...
Hubby's/our insurance issue has returned. No surprise there. Literally a few days after telling him that I was ready to start again, he was told that the deal he had with the employer was over. Seems to always happen like that.
I hurt my back really bad and ended up visiting the ER towards the end of January. I was off for a whole week because I had trouble even walking around. That really sucked.
Then of course as soon as I get back to my part time daycare gig, they put me in a room full of toddlers and then two year olds. Yeah, my doctor (I had to do a follow up after the ER) said it could take weeks, even a month before my back was feeling normal again. So it made total sense that my boss threw me in a room with little ones right after the whole ordeal. Ugh. She had also sent me home a week prior to that because I was in so much pain.
I was helping get the tods to sleep one day and I was holding a little girl in the rocking chair (because I couldn't sit next to her like we'd normally do). She was giving me kisses and laying her head on my shoulder. Of course I am super sensitive to that kind of thing. She made my heart melt. Luckily she did fall asleep too. :)
I've always felt like I was born to be a mom. People that know me know how I am with kids and how much I love them. They know how I can be patient (except with Hubs lol) and kind. I like to have fun but still be able to teach right from wrong. I just love kids. Being with children is what I was born to do. I always thought it was teaching in elementary education too...but sometimes (okay a lot of times) I'm not sure that's me anymore.
My third grade teacher was fun and still managed to teach us things. That was about 20 yrs ago...WHOA...just realized that. :) But the world of education has changed a lot. I kind of feel like I've been searching for that prime opportunity where I can be like he was. I don't know if he is still like that to this day. He may even be retired. I think wanting to be that kind of teacher has been a motivator but then somewhat of a hinderance once I got out into the "real world" and got a taste of what it is really like. There's a lot more politics and ass kissing and crap I don't like than I thought there would be. I guess that is me being naive but still....
I found some stuff from when I was a student teacher and some of the notes I had from my cooperating teacher the other day. I feel like I've grown from where I was 6.5 yrs ago (wow that's crazy!) and am better than I was. But even the educator I am now while subbing or working with my school aged children doesn't seem to fit into the real world of teaching.
Maybe it's just my nerves and lack of self confidence talking but I do feel like that is part of why I am reluctant to push harder and harder for a real teaching job.
Food for thought anyways....
IF journey....to continue or to not continue...
As I said before, our insurance situation is back to being a pain in the butt. This is REALLY good insurance though so I'd hate to lose it. It's just another thing added to our pile. I suppose that goes for everyone though...It just stresses Hubby out. He had a good thing going for awhile but they just didn't have enough work for him to do.
So now we have the question (as always)...do we start IVF again or not...Well, one day it was "yes, let's start" and then a week later it was "well, we'll see" or "depends on how things go" or "get a new job" or "get a new job with insurance".
Bottom line ...I went to do the initial blood work and ultrasound last Monday (the 13th). I had a cyst that was actually pretty big but Nancy seemed to think I could have ovulated and it was just something that was going to go away. That's usually the case anyways. Getting blood drawn was again...sigh...those poor ladies.
It took 2 people, drinking 2 bottles of water, 5 tries, and at least 30 minutes to get 1 full vial and 2 half or barely full vials. Most people go to those appointments and are done in 15 minutes or less (counting wait time) but not me...I was there for about 40 minutes. Oops.
Those ladies are the best though and we joke around and talk while they are flicking my veins or yelling at me for not drinking any water. I told them "I bet you missed me" or something like that. It's weird but nice to go to a doctor's office and feel like you know people and can joke around with them.
After ALL of that, I got my results later saying I could start the birth control pills and to do a nurse consultation once our financial clearance went through. So I did start the bcps and we're waiting on the letter. Of course we could end up not even continuing because of the insurance thing. Who knows?
It's just so frustrating. Early October we were told we could start again at any time but he suggested taking better care of ourselves. If I had known that we would have had 3 whole months of perfect insurance before this crap again, I might have done it then. Granted, the holidays would have been hard, but ugh...I'm so sick of this cycle.
Then there's the issue of waiting until something else comes around as far as insurance from a new job or whatever. Well, that puts us AT LEAST 3-5 months from now if one of us got a job today. If it was me, then I have to tell a new job that I need days off or to come in late, etc. It's just not a simple solution no matter how you look at it. And sure, we could wait another year or 2 or 3 but we don't want to. We are trying to make it work as best as we can.
I've been looking into doing acupunture as well. I have heard some people say that it really helped. I've talked to 2 people so far...and they were quite different on their methods, cost, how often, etc. So if you have any recommendations or advice on that, please let me know. If we continue with this process, I want to get started in a few weeks.
Side note
One of my new favorite shows is America's Super Nanny. She's AWESOME! And working with children on a daily basis means I need new techniques and insights to discipline, etc. So it's really a helpful tool as well. Sometimes the families are a hot mess...Okay, usually they are. But anyways, she has some really great strategies and I feel like it's informative.
Last night I was catching up on my DVR and watched an episode about a family of 10 kids, mom and dad. The kids are almost a year apart...so I am sure Mom is preggers every year. She was also currently 8 months pregnant during the filming of this with twins! The kids were violent with one another and very hurtful. I cannot even express how ridiculous it was. Anyways...Deborah (aka SuperNanny) comes and observes the first day. The next day she has a meeting with Mom and Dad. She lays it all on the line and even gets pretty stern with them. Pregnant (with twins) Mom says she's sick of her kids. Deborah looks at her like WTF? You have 2 more on the way! etc etc
I started bawling. I am glad this family is blessed with 10 (now 12) children and they are so fertile they can have a baby every year. But it broke my heart that she seemed to be taking it all for granted. Those of us going through IF cannot even fathom having the ability to "just get pregnant" let alone do it every year. And then to say you're SICK of them?!
Okay...I understand as a parent you get frustrated and may feel like you're in a losing battle from time to time I can understand that but she was so straight faced. I kept thinking "do you think those 2 new babies are going to change all that?" Getting pregnant again and again to get a "redo" is what I felt like she was doing. I don't know if that's true but I was just crying my eyes out.
Luckily they seemed to make things better with Deborah's techniques. I just found it so heart breaking that she'd even say that.
I think it's on Lifetime and the story I'm referring to is The Carzell family if you'd like to check it out.
All in all, I'm kind of in a funk. Most of the time I feel like I can't do anything right. First it was being a teacher and then I thought at least I could be a mom (something I've always wanted even more than being a teacher) and I can't even do that. F*ing heart breaking.
Since the failure of the transfer I feel like I've been building up a lot of feelings and it's just now starting to fizz out...sometimes more than others. It looks different too. Sometimes it's buying things I shouldn't. Sometimes it's eating things I shouldn't. Sometimes it is sleeping longer than I should. Sometimes it's getting bitchy at hubby or it's taking everything he says as a slap in the face. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's a good old fashioned cry. Sometimes it's staring at a computer screen not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's reading a book. Sometimes it's playing on my ipod or Kindle. Sometimes it's getting involved with a friend's sister's baby shower. Sometimes it's writing a blog...
I realize it's not "all over" or "there's nothing I can do". There are things to do or try or whatever. I'm just in a WTF kind of mood and needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading...
TheMrs.
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