Updates, Randomness, and WTFs

Hello to those in the blogosphere. It's been awhile. I don't know how many times I wanted to post but something always got in the way. Most likely...it was myself.

Brief Update...

Hubby's/our insurance issue has returned. No surprise there. Literally a few days after telling him that I was ready to start again, he was told that the deal he had with the employer was over. Seems to always happen like that.

I hurt my back really bad and ended up visiting the ER towards the end of January. I was off for a whole week because I had trouble even walking around. That really sucked.

Then of course as soon as I get back to my part time daycare gig, they put me in a room full of toddlers and then two year olds. Yeah, my doctor (I had to do a follow up after the ER) said it could take weeks, even a month before my back was feeling normal again. So it made total sense that my boss threw me in a room with little ones right after the whole ordeal. Ugh. She had also sent me home a week prior to that because I was in so much pain.

I was helping get the tods to sleep one day and I was holding a little girl in the rocking chair (because I couldn't sit next to her like we'd normally do). She was giving me kisses and laying her head on my shoulder. Of course I am super sensitive to that kind of thing. She made my heart melt. Luckily she did fall asleep too. :)

I've always felt like I was born to be a mom. People that know me know how I am with kids and how much I love them. They know how I can be patient (except with Hubs lol) and kind. I like to have fun but still be able to teach right from wrong. I just love kids. Being with children is what I was born to do. I always thought it was teaching in elementary education too...but sometimes (okay a lot of times) I'm not sure that's me anymore.

My third grade teacher was fun and still managed to teach us things. That was about 20 yrs ago...WHOA...just realized that. :) But the world of education has changed a lot. I kind of feel like I've been searching for that prime opportunity where I can be like he was. I don't know if he is still like that to this day. He may even be retired. I think wanting to be that kind of teacher has been a motivator but then somewhat of a hinderance once I got out into the "real world" and got a taste of what it is really like. There's a lot more politics and ass kissing and crap I don't like than I thought there would be. I guess that is me being naive but still....

I found some stuff from when I was a student teacher and some of the notes I had from my cooperating teacher the other day. I feel like I've grown from where I was 6.5 yrs ago (wow that's crazy!) and am better than I was. But even the educator I am now while subbing or working with my school aged children doesn't seem to fit into the real world of teaching.

Maybe it's just my nerves and lack of self confidence talking but I do feel like that is part of why I am reluctant to push harder and harder for a real teaching job.

Food for thought anyways....

IF journey....to continue or to not continue...

As I said before, our insurance situation is back to being a pain in the butt. This is REALLY good insurance though so I'd hate to lose it. It's just another thing added to our pile. I suppose that goes for everyone though...It just stresses Hubby out. He had a good thing going for awhile but they just didn't have enough work for him to do. 

So now we have the question (as always)...do we start IVF again or not...Well, one day it was "yes, let's start" and then a week later it was "well, we'll see" or "depends on how things go" or "get a new job" or "get a new job with insurance". 

Bottom line ...I went to do the initial blood work and ultrasound last Monday (the 13th). I had a cyst that was actually pretty big but Nancy seemed to think I could have ovulated and it was just something that was going to go away. That's usually the case anyways. Getting blood drawn was again...sigh...those poor ladies.

It took 2 people, drinking 2 bottles of water, 5 tries, and at least 30 minutes to get 1 full vial and 2 half or barely full vials. Most people go to those appointments and are done in 15 minutes or less (counting wait time) but not me...I was there for about 40 minutes. Oops.

Those ladies are the best though and we joke around and talk while they are flicking my veins or yelling at me for not drinking any water. I told them "I bet you missed me" or something like that. It's weird but nice to go to a doctor's office and feel like you know people and can joke around with them. 

After ALL of that, I got my results later saying I could start the birth control pills and to do a nurse consultation once our financial clearance went through. So I did start the bcps and we're waiting on the letter. Of course we could end up not even continuing because of the insurance thing. Who knows? 

It's just so frustrating. Early October we were told we could start again at any time but he suggested taking better care of ourselves. If I had known that we would have had 3 whole months of perfect insurance before this crap again, I might have done it then. Granted, the holidays would have been hard, but ugh...I'm so sick of this cycle. 

Then there's the issue of waiting until something else comes around as far as insurance from a new job or whatever. Well, that puts us AT LEAST 3-5 months from now if one of us got a job today. If it was me, then I have to tell a new job that I need days off or to come in late, etc. It's just not a simple solution no matter how you look at it. And sure, we could wait another year or 2 or 3 but we don't want to. We are trying to make it work as best as we can.

I've been looking into doing acupunture as well. I have heard some people say that it really helped. I've talked to 2 people so far...and they were quite different on their methods, cost, how often, etc. So if you have any recommendations or advice on that, please let me know. If we continue with this process, I want to get started in a few weeks.

Side note

One of my new favorite shows is America's Super Nanny. She's AWESOME! And working with children on a daily basis means I need new techniques and insights to discipline, etc. So it's really a helpful tool as well. Sometimes the families are a hot mess...Okay, usually they are. But anyways, she has some really great strategies and I feel like it's informative.

Last night I was catching up on my DVR and watched an episode about a family of 10 kids, mom and dad. The kids are almost a year apart...so I am sure Mom is preggers every year. She was also currently 8 months pregnant during the filming of this with twins! The kids were violent with one another and very hurtful. I cannot even express how ridiculous it was. Anyways...Deborah (aka SuperNanny) comes and observes the first day. The next day she has a meeting with Mom and Dad. She lays it all on the line and even gets pretty stern with them. Pregnant (with twins) Mom says she's sick of her kids. Deborah looks at her like WTF? You have 2 more on the way! etc etc

I started bawling. I am glad this family is blessed with 10 (now 12) children and they are so fertile they can have a baby every year. But it broke my heart that she seemed to be taking it all for granted. Those of us going through IF cannot even fathom having the ability to "just get pregnant" let alone do it every year. And then to say you're SICK of them?!

Okay...I understand as a parent you get frustrated and may feel like you're in a losing battle from time to time I can understand that but she was so straight faced. I kept thinking "do you think those 2 new babies are going to change all that?" Getting pregnant again and again to get a "redo" is what I felt like she was doing. I don't know if that's true but I was just crying my eyes out.

Luckily they seemed to make things better with Deborah's techniques. I just found it so heart breaking that she'd even say that.

I think it's on Lifetime and the story I'm referring to is The Carzell family if you'd like to check it out.

All in all, I'm kind of in a funk. Most of the time I feel like I can't do anything right. First it was being a teacher and then I thought at least I could be a mom (something I've always wanted even more than being a teacher) and I can't even do that. F*ing heart breaking.

Since the failure of the transfer I feel like I've been building up a lot of feelings and it's just now starting to fizz out...sometimes more than others. It looks different too. Sometimes it's buying things I shouldn't. Sometimes it's eating things I shouldn't. Sometimes it is sleeping longer than I should. Sometimes it's getting bitchy at hubby or  it's taking everything he says as a slap in the face. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's a good old fashioned cry. Sometimes it's staring at a computer screen not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's reading a book. Sometimes it's playing on my ipod or Kindle. Sometimes it's getting involved with a friend's sister's baby shower. Sometimes it's writing a blog...

I realize it's not "all over" or "there's nothing I can do". There are things to do or try or whatever. I'm just in a WTF kind of mood and needed to get it out there.

Thanks for reading...

TheMrs.

2012????!!!! ....What happened to 2011? :)

Happy New Year blogger friends!

I hope your holiday season has been good to you. Now we can all concentrate on paying our bills. lol I actually got some GREAT deals for the holidays but as luck would have it, my bills are still there....and still in need of some TLC. That's what January is for, right? :)

Anyways, I thought I'd reflect on some IF related things from 2011 as well as non-related events....

IF in 2011

*IUI #3  Failed

*IVF #1 Didn't work

*Transfer #1 (2 embies) Didn't stick

Wow, that looks depressing. And I guess it was, to be honest. It also seems like a lot less but there is a LOT that is involved in each process.

We've been taking a break and to be honest, I feel indifferent. Most of the time I'm panicking that our insurance is going to have something bad happen (because that's what happened the other times) but we're okay for now (knock on wood). So I guess the "rush" feeling has declined...and thus my anxiety has also declined.

I can't deny though that there are times I don't know what to feel or think. Or it hits me all at once. Last week or so a friend called me upset that her younger sister was 11 weeks preggo and won't be getting married til the fall of 2012. My friend just got married in the summer and thought she'd be the first to have kids. I totally understand that. After our conversation I saw Christina Perri perform her song, A Thousand Years, for an adoption fundraiser or something on TV (I taped it because I wanted to see Justin Bieber lol). Anyways, I started BAWLING. Part of it was the message of the song, and part of it was the testimonials from foster children of all ages waiting for a home. It's the 3rd thing about adoption that has been said or happened to me recently. We're not opposed to it but we'd like to try all of our other options first. But it does get me to thinking...is this a sign?

I'd like to say that I'm a fairly strong person when it comes to certain things. I can be "youthful"...(my real name even has that as part of its meaning) because I like kid things. Heck, I just got sidetracked with this blog post looking for Batman stuff on Ebay and Amazon. lol I'm totally serious. :)

But I guess part of being strong is knowing that sometimes you have to go through your emotions and not just let them fester and build. I was apparently more emotional for a few days and feelings just came out. Anyways, I can put up a pretty good facade when I need to, but it in the end...it does affect me...whether we're in the middle of treatments or not.

It occurred to me the other day that IF is kinda like a disability. Some people can't see or hear. Some people are missing a limb or have to deal daily with something else. I realize that it is not the same thing...it is only similar in a few ways. I am not comparing myself to a blind or deaf person. However, I do feel like that my infertility does affect my entire life and well-being. Having children with my husband, being a mom, and doing family things together are what I long for....what I desire most.

We've been trying for awhile now with help and without. My husband still remains optimistic, which is HUGELY helpful...but I feel like it is something inside of me that is causing this. It is a part of me...as the lack of sight or hearing is part of other people. I guess I can't really explain it...and I'm not sure those of you not going through IF would really understand...but not being able to have a baby on your own which is a BIOLOGICAL (or supposed to be) ability...feels like a hand I was dealt and therefore something I do not have control over. (holy long run on sentence Batman!)

While others have methods of dealing with their own daily struggles through life, I do have doctors and medicine and procedures to hopefully acquire my dream. So in that sense, I feel that I have a bit of an advantage...and therefore, I can't compare myself totally with those who have many more challenges. I hope no one takes offense to my poorly articulated comparison...or whatever you want to call it.

I told the Hubs that I hope this year we either have our baby or at least get pregnant and are on the way to having our baby(ies). Cross those fingers!

As for non-related events...

*Hubs went on TV

*Family drama

*Started a second job

*Car accident

*Hubs got a new car

*Almost lost our house

*Hubs wrote to Obama about the home loan modification

*(knock on wood) We have our mortgage modification! Thanks to Obama...or at least his staff.

*Best friend got married

*Went to FLORIDA!!!

*Started and quit Nutrisystem (a.k.a Lost 9 and a half lbs but only to gain it back during Christmas lol)

Gosh, I know there was more but I am having a brain fart. lol

Either way, it's hard to paraphrase or summarize 365 days of life. I do find myself acknowledging the blessings I do have in life and trying to focus on that.

I do find happiness in small things and randomly throughout the day, week, or whatever. But I have to say that I am not happy all of the time...I am human. And frankly, another year without a baby does leave a void and a hole in my heart.

We're going to continue to work on feeling better and maybe losing a few pounds before starting again...but I don't know when that will be. We have no timeline and no plan really right now where the IVF stuff is concerned.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel okay and even a little relieved. Other times I feel lost and in need of that peace of mind to hold on to.

For now, knowing that it is at least in the works will have to do. I don't have much of a choice. Either way, I wish you the best in life and your baby journey (if you are currently on one).

Also, CONGRATS (a bit belated) to my friend over at Fertility Frustration on her baby girl born in the beginning of December. :) SO happy for her!!!

Hugs,

TheMrs

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"

-Christina Perri (A Thousand Years)

Happy Holidays!

Hey blog friends,

 I just came on here to quickly say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all! :)

I know my hiatus from baby making has caused me to be absent from here, but I appreciate that you stick around.

There is a lot going on in my head but with the holidays and working more...I barely even look at my computer let alone feel like blogging. So, sorry. I will work on that. :)

Again, Happy Holidays!!!!

About Damn Time

Wow...I can't believe it's been that long since I've updated. Oops. Thanks for those of you who have stuck around and didn't delete me. I appreciate it. :)

I guess I can give you the "nutshell" version...

Hubby and I went to Florida at the end of October. It was a much needed break from baby stuff, life, and just everything in between. I have family down there and they let us stay at the motel they run for free. Even better. We got to do a lot of fun things. One of which was take a dinner cruise. Awesome. I think we connected in a way we haven't in a long time. You get so caught up in regular daily life, especially when you're going through IF and TTC, that sometimes you need a refresher.

So we spent time picking seashells in the rain or shopping in an outdoor shopping area in the drizzle (major brownie points to Hubby). We took pictures by silly things and went to the movies at 11:10pm to see Puss in Boots in 3D (which cost $27 just to get in). We played in the sand, and had great dinners at different places. We got to spend time alone and with my aunt and uncle.

It was the first time Hubs had been to an actual beach and/or an ocean or large body of water. He doesn't get outwardly excited all that much but he was having a blast.

Somehow we found each other again.

We even thought about moving down there. Seriously. Maybe we'd move back to the Midwest in the summer because frankly...Florida heat and humidity is kinda crazy sometimes. For us, anyways.

So all in all, it was an AMAZING trip. So much so that I was bummed big time that we had to come home to reality.

We both realized (and verbally said) that we have a lot we could be sad about but somehow we're still happy. I think our pictures prove it.

Now that we've been home for a few weeks, and started a diet (I'll get to that in a moment), we are back to being our normal, sometimes grumpy, selves. :)

However, I do find that we make more of an effort to be supportive or affectionate. We appreciate each other more even when we're cranky.

I think we need a vacation like that more often because it really helped recharge the batteries and put things into perspective.

As for the diet thing, we started Nutrisystem 8 days go. And we've already canceled it. lol

It's not the worst, but it is certainly not the best. The doctor told us it would help if I lost even 20 lbs with the amount of meds and everything I need while doing IVF. So...we're on TEAM BABY now. We even high five sometimes. lol I joke that I'm thinking about getting matching t-shirts. :)

The food isn't the greatest. For instance, I got a turkey hot dog for a lunch choice and it came in a box the size of a DVD. No joke. Today I heated up my pasta meal and someone came in the room thinking something smelled of vomit. Also, no joke. lol

We live for "cheater" days because have the flex plan that allows us to have 2 days off the actual Nutrisystem plan. THANK GOODNESS.

We can't go crazy but we can also eat something we actual enjoy. For Hubs, it's Chipotle (but he scales it down and only eats half). lol For me, it's a few different things. However, I find myself trying to be more cautious and more well-balanced than I used to. I can't go eating a whole pizza or anything on a cheater day but I can compromise a little.

So the goal right now is to start bcps early December... (side note--maybe I should call the doctor about that...) and then shots around New Years.

Then hopefully things will finally work out and we'll get preggers. I'm not banking on it but I sure am hoping.

I am sure there will be more in the world of IF to report on once we start the whole process again. I will be here and there (on the blog). The holidays are crazy...heck, normal life is crazy. I hope all is going with you all.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

If you are traveling like we are, I hope you have a safe journey.

Happy Baby Wishes,

TheMrs

A Hard Pill To Swallow

Initially I planned on a long blog post but I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it. I didn't post in between the transfer and now because I get caught up in my thoughts and then they run away with me.

But I will at least let you know that I am not pregnant. I pretty much knew it since yesterday. I had a gut feeling but I was hoping that I was super wrong and that I would be pleasantly surprised tonight when I checked the computer.

But nope...

And I haven't cried like the last time yet...but it's coming.

I'm seriously starting to lose hope that it will ever happen. Apparently there is more wrong with me than I thought. But we'll see what the next thing is when we talk to the doctor again.


The idea of IVF again doesn't thrill me but I will keep doing it because I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there yet.

My hubs said that we have each other first and some people don't even have that. This is quite true.

But at some point, having a family becomes a very strong need and desire. But no matter how much bed rest you do, or how much you pray or the things you eat or don't eat...there's no guarantee.

I learned the hard way tonight not to have Facebook open while you are checking your pregnancy results. As soon as you see that it's negative, you see on Facebook that someone announced their pregnancy.

Ouch.

So, how am I feeling? Like I'm about to get pranked by the monthly visitor as a reminder that I am not pregnant. Now I get to bleed for a week so I don't forget it.

Periods are good when you are ready to do a cycle and everything but not when you were desperately hoping you were FINALLY with child.

Weight Watchers and 2 weeks off from life may be added into the next round. Hubs mentioned that I'm not supposed to lift more than 15 lbs and I think he was implying that I carry that in my chest....He may be right about that but I don't think that's what they mean. :)

It might not even be until next year because it's already October 3rd and they stop stims in the beginning or so of December so they don't hit the holidays.

With hubby's insurance/working issue, I don't know what's going to happen. Okay, I know I say that every time but it seems to change or have the possibility of changing...so it's true each time.

He's working there for almost a year and not wanting to but doing it so we can try to have a baby.

The financial stuff rests on him and the making the baby stick relies on me. We're in a bit of a pickle because he's not fond of his situation and I'm not having any luck.

But my inner voice told me that I would get through this...somehow. Maybe it's God's way of getting the message to me.

Tonight we went to Outback because we had a free steak coupon and I decided that we should go before we found out. I figured I'd be too much of a mess to eat in public after finding out. Due to traffic, we took a scenic route, and of course there was a sign that said "It's a hard pill to swallow but stay the course."

Coincidence?? Yeah, I don't think so. God knows he's breaking my heart right now but I am going to try and trust in Him that we will have our miracle.

It does get harder and harder to be positive or at least stay positive. It's hard to believe that it may actually work.

I guess as long as we can still keep going, that's what I'm going to do. When we run out of options or insurance, that's when we think about other alternatives.

That also depends on what the doctor thinks too.

Sigh...

Happy Baby Wishes,

TheMrs

Cuts and Bruises of the actual kind

Just got my instructions for the transfer tomorrow.

What a weird email to get. This is the time, place, and doctor that will put your potential babies in your womb.

Weird.

It's much earlier than I thought. I don't know if that is good or bad but hey...it's happening. 7am I need to drink 20oz of water. If you know my bladder, that is going to be a problem. So now while I'm already hoping I don't toot during the procedure, I have to worry about not peeing on myself or anyone either. 7:30 we have to be there. We talk to embryology and maybe sign papers. I forget. We signed the okay for them to be thawed already. I get undressed and Hubs puts on a crazy small outfit that makes him look silly...but cute. :) And by 8 or so, I'll probably have my vajayjay in the air and all will be underway. Hopefully.

My emotions go from extreme excitement to worry and nervousness. And then there's the inevitable embarrassment of it all too.

My butt has bruises from the progesterone oil injections. Fun.

And today I accidentally cut myself 2x with a razor. Once on my inner thigh and the other one...well, let's just say when the HUGE light is helping them navigate "down there", I won't be surprised if they giggle while they are up close and personal. So even more things to worry about doing or not doing or being embarrassed about.

I hope they don't giggle as I am hopefully NOT the first or last person to do that...

Ugh.

Hubs thinks it's kinda funny. And while I was sitting in the bathroom trying to get it stop bleeding...well, I kinda thought it was a tad funny too.

But my biggest concern aside from the embarrassment factor was...would it impede or hinder the transfer somehow?

Will I get all undressed for nothing just to have them take one look and say "oh no, we can't do it with that disaster there" or something? Silly I know. But I seriously would call the dr office to talk to a nurse if they were still accepting voicemails. After 4, they can't guarantee a response until the next day.

So while I write these blog entries for myself and to help others...I also write them so you can learn from my mistakes.

Or know what you're getting yourself into.

Sometimes I seriously just shake my head...at myself.

For those of you new to transfers ...I suggest finding my IVF transfer blog post because I tried my best to explain it.

Perhaps I will recreate the visual for you tomorrow after I get home.

I was watching an episode of Giuliana and Bill the other night and they went all the way to Denver to see a specialist to begin the process of IVF again. The genetics counselor (or whatever) said that it's hard for patients to believe that it could happen, that it could work.

That's sooo true.

There are so many people who have been through way more than we have, but I'm already up to 3 IUIs, 1 IVF, and now my first frozen embryo transfer.

So tomorrow morning around 8am (central time)...please think good thoughts for us. Whether you're new or an old follower, a friend, a lurker, or a complete stranger that knows what I am going through, I appreciate that you allow me to tell my story and that maybe you will be rooting for us. You know how much we want this. And have wanted it for a long time now.

Will this be it for us? I don't know. But I am certainly hoping and praying that it is.

I'm going on bed rest as soon as I get home. I might be a little less strict about it come Saturday but for Thurs and Fri...my bed is my new bff.

Last time I worked stupid hours after the IVF transfer and I still kick myself for it. The paper they give you clearly says not to even vacuum. Not that I know what that is (LOL) but I can imagine that it is less work than working 9 or 10 hours in a preschool class with 20 kids that don't know how to clean up.

Yeah...not good.

So I'm taking a break from the world. I will eat when I want to or sleep when I want to and watch movies and tv when I want to.

These embryos are going to get my undivided attention. Whether it works or not, I will at least know I did what I could. There's always something else I'm sure that can be done (healthier, etc) but I just really hope this is going to be it.

Maybe just one baby. Maybe 2. Who knows?

This is the most exciting and gut wrenching and sometimes heartbreaking part of this process.

Bring it.


Happy Baby Wishes,

TheMrs

Gifts Wrapped in Shit

A wise lady told me today about gifts wrapped in shit. OK not literal shit. :)

But basically...we all go through shit. Life throws shit our way all the time. Being infertile is definitely shitty. However, my friend told me that there is a gift wrapped in that shit. We might not know it yet or think there is anything there. If we look deep enough, we will find the lesson in all of the shit and then be able to help others.

So this is my experience with IF. My experience and blog and support for you is my gift that I found out of the shit that is IF. :)

Personally, I don't think I'm quite out of the sifting through shit phase yet because we're still not pregnant ....BUT I'm trying to live through it and help at least someone else realize that they are not alone in this.

On another note, I'm scheduled for my transfer on the 22nd. I found out about a week ago that I have jury duty starting the 26th (yay....not) and it might conflict. Since I don't know how to get out of jury duty in the short period of time I have, I wanted to make sure everything was going to be okay with the transfer first. So after some phone tag with the doctor's office, we had a date. Now I think that still depends on how my body reacts to the Lupron and Estrace I'm on. I have another appointment on Friday the 9th to check things out. So cross your fingers that everything will go smoothly and the 22nd will be the lucky day. I am then taking 2 days off from doing anything other than TV and maybe the computer. No working or cleaning. I'm even missing a big birthday party for one of my friends.

But this is super important. So I'm sorry....but that's how it goes.

Also, for those of you who know me IRL, please do not buy me any baby books (about having babies not books to read to babies) or pregnancy books. Now that one of my FAVORITE stores is going out of business,I have acquired a HUGE collection of books. I probably shouldn't have purchased them since we're not pregnant yet but they were SUCH a good deal. Seriously...it was like they were giving them away.

I will have to count them later and cringe at how many I have. I like to think of it as being optimistic. I find it hard buying actual baby items right now unless I buy it for my niece or friends. I like to think of the books as "hope" pieces and hopefully not books that will collect dust on the shelves.

Also, if I know you IRL, don't be surprised if you get a book as a present when you get preggers. LOL

But I promise it won't be wrapped in shit. :)

Happy Baby Wishes,

TheMrs

PS I can't see my followers list. Anyone know how to fix that??