I have a slight confession to make...

I've been leaving out important information revolving my IF etc lately. Honestly, it's nothing personal...I just felt like if I talked about it, I would jinx it. And hopefully as I say it now, I hope I'm not doing exactly that.

May 27th was when I found out that my first IVF did not work.

May 28th I got my period...adding salt to my wounds.

June 7- Dr. consultation on what to do next (decided on FET with next cycle) Also had a 12mm folicle.

 June 28 -Expected my period...but it didn't come.

July 3 and 4 (in KY with family)...only had 2 VERY light spots each night. Barely anything.

July 17...Still no period yet.

I have a doctor's appointment pending some time this week but I've been playing phone tag. Plus, because I haven't actually had my period yet, they had to run it by my insurance first.

So I'm thinking maybe Tues, Wed, or Thurs. When I talked to one of the nurses, she said they might have to induce my cycle. Not sure how...but I know they will check everything first.

No, I have not done a POAS test because frankly...I'm afraid.

The chances of being pregnant naturally is sooooooooooooooo slim that I really try not to get my hopes up. BUT after 19 days or whatever of no period...my mind does wander. Of course I want to be and of course I hope that's the case. I've even held off calling the doctor a little because once they look and see nothing there...all that possibility that had been building up...will be crushed.

I don't want to be crushed.

I don't know if the IVF stuff did this (even though I got my period right after I found out it didn't work). I don't know if my meds or antibiotic that I had for a little while did it....

Or if by some miracle, everything came in line and it worked on its own.

Man, I REALLY want to believe that. I REALLY want that to be the case. But part of my heart is just so sad from all of the other bad news...it finds it hard to believe in the positive.

So my upcoming appointment is going to be quite hard on me, but I know it's necessary. I kept telling myself last week that I needed to call the Dr because if there was a baby in there, I owed it to him or her to start getting the proper care, etc. Even if there isn't, I hope there isn't some new issue we have to resolve before starting the FET.

I'm going to attempt to think about it in a positive way...Either I could be preggers YAY or I could be on my way to doing a FET.

In a nutshell, I don't know what's going on with my body...as usual. If there is something wrong again, it worries me that my ability to get pregnant is going to be even harder than it already is.

I don't know what to do. Any words or wisdom or from experience??