We have an appointment next Friday with a nurse where we discuss IVF and sign paper work.
Well, we're SUPPOSED to have this meeting. DH wanted to go over the huge packet tonight after dinner which I thought was a good thing. Well, after going through 21 pages. Yes, 21! He then freaks out on me. Not so much like he has before but he waited until after I have resigned myself to doing IVF in the first place, getting my hopes up that he's truly on board, and then wham-o?!
I don't even know what's going to happen. I caved and said we would cancel our appointment. But not til Monday. For the record, I don't want to cancel it and I'm hoping we talk it out and we won't have to cancel it or "reschedule" it for a month or two from now. This situation goes deeper than just waiting a month or two. I wouldn't be against that really if I knew this wouldn't happen again. Unfortunately, I fear that 4 or more weeks of waiting or whatever...won't do much to change anything. Then we'll be right back here...in this hell hole of going back and forth.
There are a mixture of feelings going on in my heart and head right now. I can't make certain promises or guarantees, and he's freaking out about stuff that may never change. I realize I'm not fully explaining myself here but I just can't right now.
The best way to describe how I am feeling right now is....depressed. Maybe I've been this way for longer than I realized.
Not sure.
But if I was going to be depressed at a particular point in my life, now would probably be it. I know there are people who have it worse and people who have it better. We definitely are blessed to have what we do have.
My heart just can't settle right now on what to do or how to feel.
Does anyone else ever feel like reevaluating everything??? And I mean...everything???
Do you ever wonder if you could just reboot or something?
I don't mean to feel that way, but sometimes I do.
And sometimes I cry for no reason...or just because I am so sad on the inside at times.
Sure there are smile moments and even laugh moments here and there.
But ultimately, I don't think it's just the bcps or meds that have got me feeling this way.
It's indecision on both of our parts.
Do I want to go through IVF? No...I really don't. But I have to if I want to start a family.
But why is it that I am FINALLY boarding the plane just as my DH seems to be making for a crash landing where he can then flee the scene?
I'm sure part of it is fear too on his part. Actually, most of it is probably fear. Money fears, work fears, baby fears....etc.
I get that.
I just wish he would stop this yo yo act.
I can't do it.
When I look back on my posts when we started this journey, I really tried to find the humor in the situation. I really did...
But I don't see it anymore. And I'm sorry if my blog is somewhat depressing at times. But these are my thoughts and feelings...and frankly they are a bit depressing right now.
I really don't know what will help to change that.
Thanks for reading my late night venting session.
You're not alone. This is truly depressing for all of us. None of us thought we'd be in this situation. We were sure we'd get pregnant on our own. Now I'm staring down the face of IVF. I tried to get my husband to go through the packet, ours was 65 pages. I read it word by word and left it sitting out for the hubs to read. He never did. So he didn't really have a chance to freak out. I've done my fair share of freaking out, probably enough for both of us.
ReplyDeleteNo I don't really want to do this, but I know it's what I have to do to have a baby. I know we've got 3 tries with a possible FET or 2. That's it. We're done. I know for the next year I'll be jacked up on hormones whether being treated or being supplemented for pregnancy.
I'm sorry your hubs freaked out. At least he wanted to read the info. My husband says I know enough about it for the both of us. He's got the general idea. I hope you guys have some time to talk about it this weekend. I wish you all the best. And if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to send me a message to my email. It's hard enough to go through this, but knowing you're not alone helps some!